


Unbroken {BOOK 2}

by BonnieScotty



Series: The Hurt Series [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bullying, Character Death, Famous Harry, Gay, Harry Has a Twin, Harry Styles is Marcel, Hurt Harry Styles, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Smut, Non-Famous Louis, Past Child Abuse, Rape, Sad Harry Styles, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2018-10-11 16:44:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 102,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10469583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonnieScotty/pseuds/BonnieScotty
Summary: They may be young, but they have already been through so much more than a lot of other people.Both now twenty years old and have been in a relationship for just over two years, things are not as perfect as they seem on the outside. Harry is still battling clinical depression and with a suspected case of bipolar disorder whilst Louis is busy stressing out over University.With even more twists and turns thrown their way that could easily pull the pair apart in the blink of an eye, will love conquer all?





	1. Chapter 1

So, as the title suggests, this is the second book in this trilogy. If you do not want to read the first book, that is perfectly fine but I would advise that you do so as to understand a lot of the themes in this book.

Much like the first, this contains talks of abuse (psychological, physical, and sexual) so if you are not comfortable with either topic then do not read this as Harry and Louis' characters are built up around this. There is also mentions of self-harm and bullying which can be uncomfortable for readers, so beware of that. If you did read the first book, then you will know that it was written completely from Louis' point of view and this book is going to be written completely from Harry's view. If anyone is wondering, the third and final book is going to be a mixture of both but that won't be up until I've finished this book obviously.

In this book there is smut. Yes there was a blowjob and a handjob in the first book nearer the end but there is actually sex in this. For anyone wondering, it is a bottom Harry and top Louis in case you don't like that. These scenes are detailed and if you don't like reading sex scenes then I will make sure it is easy to skip them by putting brackets or something around the parts in question.

Anyway, that is all that I needed to say. If you read this book, I really hope you like it because this trilogy means a lot to me considering a lot of the characters are based off of my real-life friends who struggle with things.

P.S. This book is set in 2014 and will carry on through 2015, so Jay is still alive in this.

Book 1 - Broken (Completed).  
Book 2 - Unbroken.  
Book 3 - Recovery.


	2. One.

Life is a funny thing. Not everyone will agree with that statement but the majority of people will agree with it. It is never the same for some people but at the end of the day, everyone is living. Or at least, only living physically yet not fully living.

It's difficult to explain, but there are times when I only ever feel as though I am existing. Whenever I tell people this they only assume it's a metaphorical representation of what I see life as. Although this is not the case. To me, existing is only a physical presence yet the presence is not actually there. You know that feeling that slowly creeps up on you but there isn't ever really anything there? It kind of feels like someone is constantly looking at you without your knowledge?

Life sounds so happy. No bumps in the road, nothing stopping a person and everything as a whole just turning out really good for the person in question. This doesn't apply to me though. A lot stops me from doing normal things even though a lot of people would argue that I don't have a normal life. I do agree with them to a certain extent because not many people can say that they are professional singers who get to tour the world and live an A-List lifestyle.

That is what annoys me though. Simply because of the fact that my job pays very well and I get treated like something special (which I don't think I am)- they automatically assume that my life is absolutely perfect. I can't deny that the way my life turned out is amazing but at the same time I wish it wasn't to this extent. I'm already in a constant fear of myself in case I relapse and considering I always have someone stalking me like a hawk with its prey, it does get to me.

This is why I never really feel like I'm living. I only ever feel like I'm existing. Almost everyone doesn't see who I really am and only what I'm portrayed as. They will likely never know that I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed and I have a suspected case of bipolar even though it is mild. Mental illnesses seem to be glamorised so much and are never taken seriously and therefore I am usually never taken seriously whenever people do find out that physically I'm not quite right in the head.

People see me, but they never see me at the same time. This is why I only feel like I'm existing. Almost as if I'm simply stationary watching the world go by without a single glitch. I feel so cut off from everyone and it does affect me. I may find it easy to make friends but I don't find it easy to make true friends. Those friends that have gotten that close are also the only people who know the entire story and that I now have to live with every single waking moment and every moment asleep.

The night terrors have never gone away. I can go anywhere between two days until a fortnight without having one and it may seem like everything is fine and dandy but then it clasps me in an iron fist and entrapping me once again. However, since I've been dealing with this for so long now I have learned how to hide it and there really are only two people who know how bad it gets. I may have friends that know the entire picture, but not like two people in particular.

My adoptive brother Niall, and my boyfriend Louis.

They are the only two people I cannot hide from and at times I do wish I could hide from them. Just escape the reality of the situation and live my life in a fake happiness in the media instead of living my existence in a bubble which is slowly suffocating me. It is so difficult for me to open up to people and I have major trust issues but I have never been so glad that I let down all of my walls for those two. After all, they did both save my life.

Even better, when I was with them I genuinely feel like I am living and not only existing. I don't know how I managed to get by before I met them because now I don't think I could live without them. Both physically and metaphorically. At times I only want to curl up in a box and just ignore the unnaturally fast paced world but there are also times that I want to relish every moment. I'm very fortunate in the fact that I was discovered so young and I was even more fortunate that it was Simon Cowell of all people who signed me.

A lot of people come into his offices hoping that he will see their potential and give them a contract to sign. This doesn't happen often though, if anything more people run out of his offices crying out of defeat than they do crying out of joy. When I say this it seems like I'm not grateful for it but I really am. Music has always been the only thing I've ever wanted to do whether it be singing, producing or simply writing. Luckily I get to do all three and best of all, one of the most feared men in the entire music business is behind my back the whole time.

It is a good thing that I managed to find a way to vent out all of my emotions through writing and singing. A lot of people who are in the same predicament as I am never manage to find a way to vent and it ends up in either a life of crime- or no life at all. At this thought, a couple of tears pricked in my eyes because I knew someone who didn't find a way that worked well. Unfortunately, that person happened to be the only person who would ever properly understand and perhaps this is why I feel so cut off from everyone.

My twin brother, Marcel.

He may have thrown himself into his studies and yes it did work for him. Or at least until bullies became involved in the picture. From there it all spiraled out of control and everything went wrong. No matter what relation, it is always difficult to lose a family member whether that be adoptive or by blood. I was very unfortunate in the fact that it was my twin. He wasn't just my twin though; he was my identical twin. The only difference between us when we didn't dress differently was a small birthmark he had on the back of his neck which I didn't have.

There are times when I dream- both in sleep and by day- of him still being alive. What would he think of me now that I was in the middle of a worldwide tour that sold out in under two hours? What would he think of the level of fame I got myself into? What would he think of me as a person now? Those questions will never be answered and it does slowly torture me knowing that I will not get answers that at times I feel like I will need. Sometimes a biological family isn't really family but close friends can become a family.

That's what it's like for me considering I have no contact with anyone from my actual family. Simon is like my dad, Chris is like my uncle, Niall may as well be my brother (even though legally he is) and Louis' mum is like my mum. Ever since my hospital stint which was the result of me almost ending my own life in the midst of an episode we had grown close with each other. Of course I could never consider her my real mum considering my real mum is buried six feet under along with my siblings and step dad. I've never known what it was like to have a genuine family but to be completely honest, I wouldn't change anything.

If all that happened to me didn't happen I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I probably wouldn't have moved to London meaning Marcel wouldn't have been bullied at a private school to the point that suicide was the only option. Gemma wouldn't have gotten an award for her outstanding grades meaning my mum, Robin and her would still be alive. I wouldn't have been made homeless which meant I wouldn't have met Niall. If I hadn't met Niall, I wouldn't have met Simon who in turn gave me an opportunity to turn everything around. Most of all though, I wouldn't have fallen in love.

There are so many people who tell me that I'm far too young to know what real love is but quite honestly I don't care. I know that we are in it for the long haul. I can't deny that I do get the occasional thought of seeing myself and Louis with young kids either adopted or through a surrogate, married and growing old together. I have, and Louis has also told me he gets thoughts like this so I know that I'm not alone. Twenty is still quite young but I don't feel like I'm twenty. I've gone through too much to mentally be the age as my physical age. I was forced to grow up far too young which I do and don't regret.

Right now though, life was going to get crazier for me. I looked around the decently sized flat that Louis was moving into which was only three miles from my own house. I had asked him previously why he didn't go into halls but he only ever replied that the rent wasn't much of a difference and he didn't want to be forced to live with strangers. I nodded in understanding because I wouldn't want to be forced into a flat with people I didn't know. I sat down the last box before wandering around to look for Louis.

He was officially starting university in less than a fortnight and he wanted to get settled in beforehand. All of the furniture had been put in a few days before so now it was only clothes and other trinkets considering Louis didn't own much to make the place feel more like home. The other reason why he was moving in early was because he wanted to get settled in before I go on the North American leg of my tour. That starts in three weeks and it is going to test us to the limit but hopefully we can pull through. I love Louis with all of my heart and I know that he loves me too.

I realised now that I hadn't moved from my spot in the hallway and continued on my quest to find my boyfriend which shouldn't take long considering the flat he had signed a lease on only had one bedroom, a kitchen, a living area and a bathroom. I did give him the offer to move in with me but he just simply stated he wanted to properly experience life as a student. It does get lonely at my house but I suppose that is what I get for buying a place of that size for myself.

I soon found him in his bedroom starting to fold away all of his clothes (he had a lot) and deciding what should go in drawers and what should go in his wardrobe. He looked up and gave me a bright smile and the tiny gesture immediately caused a few goosebumps to rise on my arms. He looked awkwardly around him but I knew what he was trying to say. For the next thirty minutes, I helped him fold everything away which probably wouldn't have taken so long if we didn't keep getting distracted with each other's lips.

It's been two years. It was two years ago that I first asked Louis to be my boyfriend and it is crazy to think that. If I thought two years ago I would meet someone and fall in love so young, I probably would have laughed. Yet here I am now helping the man I love move into his first place on his own. It is a daunting thing, moving away from home to live on your own even though I personally have never experienced the said thing so I can only imagine. Eventually everything had been packed away and we fell down onto the bed with him draping his body over me.

That was another thing though, we had still never gone the whole way. Of course we've gotten off on each other on numerous occasions but we've still never had sex. I know that a lot of people would probably find it weird that a couple who had been together for as long as Louis and I have, haven't had sex yet. Then again though, you can't exactly look at a person and immediately know that they had been sexually abused as a child. I always try my best not to think about what happened but it quite simply will never go away. It's a part of me now.

Louis respects that though and that only makes me love him more. He doesn't want to take it the whole way unless I have completely gotten over everything. It probably wouldn't be good to have a fully blown panic attack or an episode during the one thing that connects two people together. I'm not scared of sex, far from it but I also can't deny that I am a bit intimidated by it. One day we will get to that stage and it is something I'll just have to accept.

He leaned down a little and I could feel his hot breath fan lightly over my neck. I smiled a little bit and I felt him gently poke one of my dimples. I couldn't take it anymore so I reached up and grabbed the back of his neck before connecting our lips. This was something I would never get sick of, kissing him. Just the way that his thin yet defined pout met mine in a hungry fashion made me feel like electricity was running through my veins, only intensifying each time the tender skin met. I felt him nibble lightly on my bottom lip and I groaned when he rocked forward since his lower body was between my legs.

I kissed back hungrily to the point that we were more or less biting each other's lips and panting hard as Louis continued rutting down on top of me. I could feel just how hard he was on each dip of his hips and it was only making the heat in the room intensify each second. After a few minutes I felt him press his tongue against the small opening of our lips and I immediately gave him access to explore my mouth.

"Please keep all of the kissing and whatever to level zero please!"

We broke apart and it took seconds before we were laughing in hysterics at Olly's embarrassed expression. He had been helping along with Chad when they had free time around their jobs in helping Louis move in. Louis rolled off of me and I dared a glance at the older and much taller guy standing in the doorway to see he had his hands covering his eyes. It probably was quite a sore sight, seeing two friends who happen to be in a serious relationship in such a position that is. It certainly isn't something I would like to see anyway.

Then again, it definitely wasn't the first time he had ever walked in on us during our couple moments. Luckily he hasn't ever witnessed something sexual because that would just be embarrassing and extremely awkward for everyone. It took us just over an hour to finish unpacking the boxes in the flat considering Chris was also over to help. It wasn't long afterwards that we all decided to get some food and watch some movies. We didn't get much time at all to spend as friends and it is going to be even more hard to do so in a week.

In a week Louis will be starting university. He did end up getting an offer for Oxford but he chose to go with University College London instead as it was a lot closer to home and wasn't as expensive. In a week I will be jetting off to America along with Niall (he had been offered a year's placement for his own university course in Boston) that would last until the end of October and then I had a fortnight of promotion before I could fly back home. We've already tested the long distance but it has never lasted over two months before and I can't deny that it was very daunting. At least I would have Niall with me for a few weeks of it considering he doesn't officially start until the very end of September.

Although I was more daunted over the fact that this will be the first time I'll be going on tour without Louis since my suicide attempt. Naturally he is warier than I am but he knows that eventually we would be torn apart given our drastically different lives. I still sit back and wonder how the fuck we have managed to make it work for so long. I would have thought previously that it would put a giant strain on the relationship but in our case it has only made our relationship even stronger.

Hopefully this time it will be exactly the same because I don't think I could possibly take another heartbreak. I've already dealt with too much of that and one more would probably set me off into another episode. I never really know what I'm doing whenever I have one of these. It isn't easy to explain it to people who have never suffered any kind of mental illness without seeming like I want sympathy- because I don't. Sympathy is the last thing I ever want and I'm very lucky to have found people that I can trust to just understand this fact without any complaint.

Episodes are strange. I am aware of what I'm doing whenever I have one but I never know why I'm doing it. It's kind of like I'm a robot and I have no physical control over my mind and body. A bit like someone has cast some kind of spell on me and it is impossible to resist. It's these episodes that I'm most scared of because I never know what is going to happen when I have one. What if I did end up killing myself during one like I almost have previously? What if I hurt someone I deeply care about? What if I end up doing something I'll severely regret even though I couldn't help it?

It's also no secret that a lot of people look up to me even though I don't understand why personally. In my mind I'm just a twenty-year-old doing his job. To a lot of people though, I'm a person who isn't afraid to be myself and am constantly honest. I never once lied about my sexuality unlike a lot of other singers who are too scared to openly speak out on the matter. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I'm not terrified to speak about my unstable mentality. This may seem like it's a strength but to me it is my biggest weakness. There are times when I feel like I am far too exposed in the limelight but at least it is who I am and not who I've been forced to be. I have become acquainted with some people who are forced to act a specific way to attract attention but I never was. Well actually, I probably would have been if it weren't for Simon standing up to some people to let me be myself.

One week. That is all I have left with Louis before we are forced apart by our different lives. It definitely isn't ideal but it wouldn't be right for me to tell him to not further his education if he wants to and it definitely isn't right for him to tell me to quit singing since it's what I love doing. I never expected to blow up so much across the globe as I had, I always thought that just getting a song to chart in another country would be incredible. Now I had two albums that had immediately gone to number one and I'm currently in the middle of a worldwide tour.

I've already completed the U.K., Australasian and European legs of the tour. Now I just have North America left and I am both nervous and excited for it. I've done the odd concert across the ocean but this is the first time I'm doing an official tour there and I don't know how that is going to be received. It still doesn't seem right to me that my tour completely sold out and it was arena's. My life is crazy and I can't deny that, but at times I do wish it wasn't so crazy.

That whole week we both spent as much time as we possibly could together but at the same time we spent time apart in order to get used to it. I am scared of leaving because this is going to be the first time since all of that happened when I've been away from Louis for a while. He came out with me along with Niall, Chad and Olly to a few of my other gigs across the globe whenever they had time off but there won't be much time off at all. At least I will have Niall and I will also have Chris. I'm glad that he is my bodyguard. Despite his very intimidating appearance with his height and muscles (after all he was an ex-bodybuilder) he was a real sap inside.

It's a weird family dynamic I have, but I would never change things. It's worked so well and I am very lucky to have people constantly surrounding me that can capture my attention enough so I don't feel quite so down. I've now gone almost seven months without being on any medication which is a huge step for me. Maybe one day I will officially beat depression along with the suspected bipolar and be able to have a more regular life. I snorted just at the thought as my life will never be regular no matter what.

Plenty of tears were shed when I was packing my suitcases seen as my flight left at 3am from both myself and from Louis. He's going to come out as often as he can but it won't be easy since he doesn't yet know how much work he is going to get hit with. After a lot of debating with himself he decided to study English but also study Drama at the same time to keep his options open. He wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to do yet so it was probably his best choice at the moment. If he doesn't like his course he can always switch or drop out and reapply next year. I don't think that will happen though, he loves the subjects he has chosen to study.

I wish I could spend tomorrow with him to see how his first day goes but that can't happen. I have a long flight then two hours off, then an interview and a concert. I won't have time to call him but he knows it will be difficult to stay in contact with each other over the next two months. It's only two months, it is not a long time. I can hold it together for that long as long as I have at least one person who understands everything.

Despite Louis having to wake up ridiculously early as well to make his first lecture he had put his foot down and said he was coming with me to the airport. I didn't even try to argue with him because the second Louis had made his mind up, there will be no changing it no matter what. The entire car journey there we never let go of each other's hands, a silent gesture that it would work between us. We've made it work for two years now and if anything, I have only fallen more in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't imagine settling down with anyone else other than the feathery haired boy sitting next to me.

The airport was rather empty but then again it was only 1A.M. and not many people booked flights at that time. We did still get a few looks from others and a couple of people asked politely for pictures and autographs. We had soon made our way to the check-in and I handed over my passport which really made it real. He seemed to be thinking the same because he leaned up a little for a soft and gentle kiss. It wasn't just a soft peck but we also didn't use tongues because that is just gross in public unless on a date. It was just a very passionate and loving kiss. Eventually we did pull away and I stared deep into that cerulean shade of blue that I love so much whilst softly stroking his cheek with my right hand.

"I love you, Lou. Don't cry we'll make it work. It's only two months."

He nodded but his facial expression deceived his body language. He didn't want to separate any more than I did but our lives are so different and we'll have to get used to it eventually. We can't spend every single second with each other. I leaned down and softly kissed his forehead before wrapping him into a tight hug, making sure to savour his scent. I didn't tell him that I had stolen one of his Adidas hoodies and I wasn't planning on it. Just something for me to remind me of him whilst I'm thousands of miles away.

It wasn't much longer that a strong Irish accent broke through the crowd telling us Niall had arrived and Chris was behind him. I glared at the two of them partially for interrupting our cute cuddly moment but also because they were making kissy faces at us. I would have thought by now that they would stop it with the teasing over our relationship but if anything the teasing has only gotten worse over the last two years. Chris quickly checked the time before nodding to us both, he also gave us both a sad look because he knows how much this is affecting the two of us. Reluctantly I let go of Louis and gave him one more short kiss before going through check-in.

"Text me when you land when you can find time to. I love you, Harry."

Tears were threatening to spill but I was refusing to let them fall. I wasn't going to show how horrible I felt at having to leave the man I love until I was in solitude. We bid each other goodbye before turning around and following Chris to where the plane was along with Niall. This didn't last long though because soon we were both running around to deliberately piss off my bodyguard whilst laughing our heads off. We'd quickly settled on the plane and only now did I realise this tour won't be so bad. As long as I have these two idiots to keep me busy in my free time I won't miss Louis as much. It still wasn't going to be easy by any means but really though, how bad can it get?


	3. Two.

This was mental. That was the first thought that came to my head as I stared out of the small gap of the curtain from my hotel room in New York City. There was hundreds of people outside all waving their arms and screaming loud- I could hear them even from twenty floors up and through the window. It never did sink in that I had essentially blown up across the pond despite the evidence surrounding me everywhere I went. I was preparing right now to do a gig along with a quick interview on the today show which I'm guessing is why there was so many people outside.

The more logical part of my brain however is thinking that it is for someone else but I had already been told that I was the only 'famous' person in this hotel currently and I could hear them singing along to my latest single. I had a couple of more hours until a car was coming to collect me and I didn't have much to do. I didn't really want to chance exploring the city and Niall was currently on the hunt for a place that sold Belgian waffles because that is what he wanted for breakfast. I would have gone with him on his miniature quest but I never really see the point in eating something sweet for breakfast.

Annoyingly, I also couldn't call my boyfriend. As soon as he had sorted out his timetable he had screenshotted me his scheduled classes which took up most the early afternoon hours. With the time change between us those were the easiest times to get in contact with one another. I wasn't going to embarrass him. Two weeks had passed since I came out here and my first proper concert is tomorrow night in Madison Square Garden. Even that is crazy. When Simon called me in to discuss tour dates with him I had expected to see theatres or something along those lines in the continent and I was wary about doing arenas.

The last few days I had been doing the odd show but neither were technically a part of my tour so I wasn't too nervous for them. I already knew that the tickets had all completely sold out but there was a small fear that nobody would turn up. I guess this must be a normal thing when an artist first ventures into a country that is pretty much new. I had been overseas a lot during my career so far but that was only ever for writing sessions or filming a music video. I'm excited for that too- I'm filming a new video for my next single and I was planning on dropping it with no build up.

Well that depends if whether paparazzi find me because then it will all be blown over.

Since there really wasn't much that I could do until someone came to collect me, I set an alarm on my phone and let my body fall back onto the very large bed. I haven't slept much this past fortnight what with getting used to the time change and at the same time working constantly. Since I write so much, I am in a studio a lot of the time to finish things up and then decide whether to give it away to someone or to keep it for myself in the future. I scrolled through my pictures for a couple of minutes and I let my thumb drag along my lock screen whilst smiling to myself. The picture was of me and Louis last month on one of our very rare dates. We were both just looking deeply into each other's eyes with beaming grins on our faces. I sat my phone to the side and closed my eyes.

Pain. Hurt. Isolation. Favouritism.

I shouldn't know words like that at my tender age of eight years old. I ran my fingers through my hair which was beginning to go curly and rocked back and forth in a corner, just waiting for what I knew was coming. I was gnawing away on my lip and I ignored the small trickle of blood running down my chin from doing so, just concentrating solely on my bedroom door. To an extent, I was scared to even breathe, terrified that he would hear me and hurt me even more than previously.

These were the only times where it was safe to cry. Whenever I cried around him would result in a fist or foot encountering my frail body. So, when I was isolated is when I worked up the courage to let my hot salty tears fall from my eyes. My eyes were burning but I couldn't stop. My sight darting around the room hoping that my brother came back before he did. Whenever we were left alone he never would feed us so the rare days he left the house we braved it to take some food from the kitchen- even if it was only a slice of bread.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I could hear my blood rushing through my veins, my breathing becoming even more ragged than it was previously. Nobody knew about this apart from myself, Marcel and my dad. I don't consider him my dad though because he hurts us whenever the chance arrives. Never my sister, never my mum. It was always just my brother and me. I don't know why, and I don't really want to know why he does this. He used to be caring.

He would take us to the beach even though it was a few hour's drive. He would take us for ice cream. He would take us to the movies. He would take us fishing. He would take us camping. I don't know what changed but something did and now we were both terrified of what will happen next. I cried harder when I heard footsteps in the corridor but I needn't have worried because it was only my brother. He quickly locked the door behind him which we convinced our mum to fit so we could escape Gemma and her Barbie dolls.

Of course, this wasn't the real reason but we didn't want to tell her anything. He always says that we will never be believed and will be laughed at every possible opportunity. That we will be taken from the house and be forced to live with people we've never met or be put in an adoption centre. I don't want that, and neither does my brother. We love our mum and sister too much so we always kept our mouths shut. We've been keeping our mouths shut for almost three years now on the matter so it isn't anything new to us. We are used to the numerous lies spilling from our lips.

He pushed me over a slice of a cake that my mum had baked last night- it had always been a hobby of hers. Of course, he didn't snatch a large slice, just big enough to keep our grumbling stomachs from making too much noise yet not big enough for someone to notice. We were both simply too scared to see what would happen if he ever found out we were stealing food from the kitchen without permission.

Once we had finished eating, we were careful to get rid of all the evidence to evade capture. Luckily, we were on time because soon we heard heavy footfalls in the corridor. We both looked at each other which was like looking in a mirror since we were physically identical to see we were both destroyed by fear currently. It didn't take long until the door swung open and Marcel was yanked by the collar outside. I curled up more in a ball as I watched, no one my age should be witnessing this yet here I am seeing my brother about to be beaten by my dad.

Just then, it hit me. This was wrong.

With this new epiphany, I ran outside and forced myself between them, my brother yelling at me for intervening because now it was going to be a lot worse. I realised I was talking myself but I wasn't paying attention to what exactly it was I was saying but I knew it was bad when I saw his face. So much anger, fury and disgust should never be on someone's facial expression. I don't know why I wasn't cowering under the ferocious look being directed at me but I guess I was too overpowered by an adrenaline rush to think straight.

Perhaps I was thinking straight but it was too weak previously so it felt almost alien to me. I was vaguely aware of telling my brother to run but he just shook his head furiously- even though I wasn't looking at him I knew he was doing it. The next thing I felt was him grabbing my own shirt and I was expecting a strong punch but that didn't happen. Instead he pulled my small face close to his and a sinister smile spread across his lips.

In the space of a few seconds he had yanked me forward into my bedroom and locked the door behind him and just like that my adrenaline rush faded and was replaced with unimaginable amounts of fear. I could hear Marcel sobbing on the other side of the door, pounding on it but it was no use. I was locked inside with him and I knew I was about to get beaten again. I shut my eyes and waited for the impact but it never came, so I wearily opened them back up again only to see him removing his trousers.

I gulped because this probably meant he was going to use his belt. He's used the method once on me previously and I never want to experience that again. I was practically paralysed on the spot, I couldn't think and I couldn't seem to move. The fear was too strong to do anything. I chanced a small sigh when he threw his belt across the room because that meant he wasn't going to whip me but now the only question on my mind is what was he doing?

Unfortunately, I soon got my answer when his trousers dropped to the ground along with his boxers leaving himself completely exposed to me. I tried to scurry away but I wasn't quick enough because he had grabbed the back of my head, forced me to my knees before forcing himself into my mouth. It was now that I cried, and I cried a lot. The only thing that was keeping me slightly sane right now was hearing Marcel still banging and yelling my name from the opposite side of the door.

He forced my head back before pushing me back onto him. That horrific taste of his skin and wondering what it was he was doing. Surely this isn't right? I shuddered in more fear when he let out a moan and this disgusted me- that he was clearly enjoying whatever was happening currently. It only got worse when he stiffened up and I was still refusing to open my eyes, tears falling so quickly down my cheeks. A couple of minutes had passed when he finally pulled away from me and I was about to curl in on myself again but he grabbed my shirt again and threw me down onto my bed, removed my trousers.

Marcel was no longer making noise but I could hear footsteps running down the stairs, I could only hope he had finally had a realisation like I had just how wrong this was and was calling for help. He then proceeded to climb on top of me and pinned my arms and legs down so I couldn't wriggle out of his grasp. It seemed to last for hours, being in that position. I felt so exposed to him and I didn't like it one bit. My jaw still ached from whatever it was he was doing minutes before.

"Harry."

I couldn't place the voice never mind put a face to the voice. The only thing I could focus on was him lying on top of me, that demented smile still spread across his lips. I felt something between my legs and I lay still, completely paralysed by fear. The next thing I knew was something entering me and I can't even describe the amount of pain that wracked through me at that moment. I screamed so loudly.

"Harry."

He held a hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming before continuing whatever it was he was doing. It honestly felt like I was being ripped open the pain was so intense. What made it worse was that he was still moaning and grunting on top of me which meant he was still enjoying this. He liked putting his own child through torturous agony. Soon I heard footsteps and unknown voices. The door was kicked in and a lot of gasps were heard.

"Harry wake up!"

I sat up on the bed, looking around at my surroundings. My hands covered my face and I realised I had curled into the foetal position. A familiar guy with a bleached blonde quiff looking at me as if silently asking what was wrong. I realised I was still shaking violently and I grabbed my phone to see my alarm wasn't due to go off for another thirty minutes. I had only been asleep for twenty-five minutes. That is all it took for another terror to grip me in its tight fist. That is all it was, a terror.

Niall was giving me a wary look and only now did that voice register with me, it was him trying to wake me up meaning I was probably thrashing and screaming. I let out a shaky breath trying to get back into a positive mindset but it didn't seem to be working at all. Niall seemed to figure out what it was I had another terror over and he had soon pulled me into a bone crushing hug, effectively cutting off my airway for a split second. That had happened twelve years ago, it happened but I got over it. He served time in prison for it. He was out but my lawyer filed restraining orders to keep me as far away from that monster as possible.

After a few more minutes passed I managed to slide out of the bed and walk to the en-suite to check my appearance. Luckily my eyes weren't too puffy and my hair- I had no idea what that was doing. Half of the time I didn't have a clue what it was doing but I think that's damn normal for people with naturally curly hair. I fixed it enough until it looked presentable before pulling on some more appropriate television friendly clothes. I don't think a simple pair of boxers was that.

I slid on my trademark black skinny jeans and pulled on a brown shirt with a black swirling design on it. I smiled a little because this was Louis' favourite shirt I owned. Six more weeks, I can do it. It won't be easy but I will get through it if I have Niall and Chris by my side. Speaking of Chris, he had soon walked into the room expecting to rush me to get ready on time so he was pleasantly surprised that I was already dressed. I groaned though when he made a joke about my shirt considering he knew that it was my boyfriend's favourite and this made Niall laugh at how cheesy that was.

I had soon been ushered into a waiting car and began my journey to the Rockefeller Plaza. I grinned in amusement when some fans ran after the car trying to get pictures, my life really was insane. If it weren't for the music I probably wouldn't be here right now. It let me vent out all my emotions so I didn't quite have as much to deal with and this was how it was a lot easier for me to keep at a medium. Of course, I still have off-days when it does get a bit much like earlier when I had another night terror but that is normal.

I could hear the screams getting louder the closer we got and ten minutes later we pulled up at the back entrance so I wouldn't have to be weaved through that huge crowd of people in the front. Chris and Niall had both tagged along with me and my bodyguard made sure to walk a couple of feet behind me just in case something happened. It wasn't likely considering we were currently inside the building heading to the main studio but it is always best to be prepared.

I couldn't stop thinking about that nightmare though. I haven't dreamt of that in over a year and that scared me. Was it just a one-off? I hope it is because I really don't want to relapse. I may never completely break free of depression but now I'm in a good place mentally and I don't want that to change. I snapped out of my thoughts when I noticed someone hold their hand out and I shook it to be nice and apologising for spacing out.

Luckily the man nodded and gave me a small smile. I was soon led over to a large couch where two interviewers were sitting adjacent me. I chatted to them for a little bit so it wouldn't be quite so awkward when it comes to the actual interview because that wouldn't be good. I turned around and waved out of the window as well making the fans gathered outside scream even louder which only made my grin get larger. I really am incredibly lucky to be in this position.

At first, they just asked me very simple questions to get into the whole thing. I was a bit nervous since this is my first proper interview in this continent so naturally I was a bit wary. My nerves disappeared however when the interviewers started to crack a few jokes to lighten the mood a bit more. I think they could sense just how scared I was. Currently they were still asking me questions business wise but I knew that eventually I would be asked personal questions. I was right by assuming that though because it wasn't long until they started to ask me questions from twitter that was sent in from fans.

"Mia asks, you are currently in a long-term relationship, how do you make it work the long distance? My boyfriend is on a placement for a few months and I'm finding it difficult, do you have any tips?"

I furrowed my brows a little in concentration. Even though that was technically two questions I wasn't going to complain. I thought over my answer a little bit before replying;

"Well, trust is obviously a big factor. Don't lie to each other. Don't constantly call/text whatever because that can be suffocating. Just stick to calling once or twice a week and update each other. Understanding helps as well because if you don't understand what long distance is like then it isn't going to work. Right now, I'm quite lucky in the sense that I'm on tour whilst my partner has just started university so we both know what it's like."

The interviewers both nodded. My answer was lengthy but it was true. Trust and understanding are the two main factors that make a long-distance relationship a lot less stressful. Of course, it still is stressful but it could very easily be a lot worse. The questions after that were a lot nicer but I already knew that I was going to get asked one that might be a bit dark considering the limited information I have given out on my troubled past. I was right to think so because the male gave me a slightly worried look before moving onto the next question;

"Max asks, last month my little sister died and I can't really seem to accept it nor can I not blame myself for what happened. You've been through similar and do you have any advice on how to get over it?"

A silent hush seemed to echo around everyone in the room now, I could feel Niall giving me a wary glance from behind the cameras but I just gave him a small smile to reassure him that it was alright. I bit my lip a little bit trying to fight off that image of his mangled arms before answering as truthfully as I could;

"Well, Max. Death isn't really something that you can just accept. It is only something that you can really get used to I suppose. It will take a long time to get over it but it is best to trust at least one person with everything you are feeling even if you don't feel like it. Having someone there with you going through something like that is a lot better. Don't shut people out too much and find a way to vent out whatever it is you are feeling. Just don't bottle everything up until it can't be controlled anymore."

There was still a silence echoing around everyone and even the screams had died down outside. They just seemed to silently agree on giving me a moment after answering that difficult question. They never do get any easier- questions about my brother that is. It also didn't help that I had a nightmare about the rape a few hours ago, so the memories were very fresh in my mind currently. It was only now that I realised a couple of tears had fallen and I wiped them away with the back of my hand and took a deep breath- effectively calming down in the process.

Not much more questions were asked on twitter and soon I was outside in the centre of the plaza with an acoustic guitar. I don't ever really tend to play acoustic when doing live shows but I wanted this one to be rather intimate despite this being broadcast on millions on televisions across the country right now. What struck me though was that people just seemed to accept this and for the most part actually remained quiet. Of course, there was still quite a bit of noise but I could barely hear it. Then again, I was wearing in-ears so that was probably why I couldn't hear much apart from my instrument and my own voice.

It may have only been a twenty-minute-long set but any kind of show I always get nervous over. At times nerves can be a good thing because then I get a bigger adrenaline rush when I am on stage but there are times when nerves are not a good thing. I think this applies to everyone though. Niall greeted me in a tight brotherly hug when I stepped off the stage and he whispered multiple words in my ear to make me feel better over the question concerning my brother. He didn't need to bother though because I wasn't upset over it, I was glad that I could use my own personal experiences to help someone going through something similar.

I was soon escorted back to my hotel and I had to hide a giant goofy grin at seeing Louis was on Skype currently. We talked until the very early hours- well for me anyway- until I knew that I should get some sleep since my first official show is happening today. We both whispered out a quiet 'I love you' before I closed my laptop and moved it to the side. I was a bit scared to fall asleep in case another night terror came. I didn't want people knowing that they were back in full swing. There was no use keeping it from Niall since he woke me up from one earlier but I could sure try and keep it from Louis.

I don't want him to immediately think that I've relapsed because I haven't. It's just how it is. There will always be some days when it gets tough but there will also be days in which everything is amazing. Everything would be so much better if I had Louis by my side right now but I wasn't going to be selfish. He's always wanted to go to university and I didn't want to take him away from experiencing life as a student properly. He'd also taken on a part time job at the weekends to make ends meet.

I miss feeling his arms wrap tightly around my waist or my neck. I miss his voice. I miss his boisterous yet loving personality. I miss being able to kiss him. I just miss him so much. That isn't going to change though considering we have such different lives. I shut my eyes, praying to myself that I wouldn't be woken by Niall anytime soon. Surprisingly, I slept well and the day kicked in not long after. Madison Square Garden, here I come.


	4. Three.

Before I even really knew it, three weeks had gone by. From being flown and driven all over this huge continent, doing numerous shows and multiple interviews the time had seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye. My life was already very fast-paced but there are times like now when it really does hit me. It's quite strange to an extent because it all goes by so quickly but whilst doing it, it seemed to last forever. I suppose that is a good thing though as it means that I can sit back and not lose myself.

There is a lot of things that I am deathly afraid of, but losing myself is the one that I fear the most. I've lost myself previously and that kick-started a horrific turn of events for me and it is something that I never want again. Now, I don't really need to worry about that since I have managed to find a medium that allows me to separate reality from nightmarish dreams. I won't deny that it was very hard for me to do so, the workload in this industry is insane but again I would never change it. Well, if I could I would get rid of paparazzi because they do really irritate me. Then again, I'm sure anyone in the show business industry must deal with that, it comes with the job.

At times, I really do hate being so exposed because it makes me feel like I'm an ornament. Which I most definitely am not. I'm just another person and a lot of people simply assume that because I see hate often directed at me that it is ok to make it worse. It becomes a vicious cycle of assumptions and it does get to me. I try my best not to read any of those messages and even block a few pages so that I can't see them but of course I can't scroll through every single page because there were literally thousands. The most that I can do is just ignore them the best I can.

It was deathly quiet in my hotel suite currently. Chris had gone looking for Niall considering he did not come back last night. As it would turn out, one of his cousins had moved here years ago, and he had gone out clubbing with the cousin in question last night. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've even met Niall's whole family- he simply has way too much. Despite me not being biologically related to the annoying Irish guy he is the closest thing I have to a brother left. 

At least now I no longer get quite so upset whenever I think of Marcel, only a feeling of longing and acceptance. I guess the entire picture behind the documentary thing really did give me the closure that I wanted and needed. Really seeing it from what was his point of view genuinely made me understand how it got as bad as it did. I've never really told anyone about this but I think those I am closest to suspect it. For years after my brother died I was very angry and this was why I blamed myself. It wasn't that I couldn't have done more, I blamed myself for not understanding him when he was going through that horrible part of his life.

Brothers really are supposed to be there for each other always and the one time I wasn't quick enough to be there for him I had been far too late. His arms mutilated beyond recognition, his entire body covered in sweat which I'm guessing was an aftereffect of all the medication he swallowed. I had gone through similar less than a year ago, closure was really what I needed to be able to move on but the scars will always remain. It's impossible to explain to people how different physical and mental scars are so I don't even bother trying anymore. I have people close to me who realise how bad it can get and they respect that.

I snapped my head up however at hearing a loud cackling laugh that I recognised as Chris which caught my attention. Even though he is a big softy behind his menacing appearance it's rare to hear him laugh like that. I went to look for him and after a minute or so I found him looking out of the window still laughing hysterically which only confused me majorly. With that I slowly walked forward and looked outside to see what it was that was so funny. At first I didn't realise what it was but the second I did spot what was so funny I was laughing just as much as Chris. About two blocks down the street was a certain Irish lad who had gone missing all night strolling clearly hungover down the street- wearing what was clearly a woman's jumper.

Trust us to catch out Niall doing the infamous walk of shame, he is never living this down.

I grabbed my phone and quickly took a short video to annoy him but also sent it to Louis. He wouldn't see it for a while thanks to the time change currently but I know that as soon as he opens it he will be laughing just as much along with Olly and Chad. Neither of us let up and right now my ribs had a dull ache but this was way too entertaining for me. I only had one concert tonight so I had the rest of the day to myself and I think I'm going to wander around with these two idiots to pass the time.

By the time Niall finally strolled into the suite we had managed to hold our laughter but this didn't last because he then proceeded to give us his middle finger and disappear into the bathroom. After a long few minutes I finally managed to completely stop laughing but only because I now had a bad case of hiccoughs but at least I wasn't alone. I guess that is what we get but to be fair it is always funny watching someone that you're close with doing that infamous walk from a boozy night out.

With this thought in mind I wandered into my own bedroom to get changed and my fingers trailed over Louis' Adidas hoodie. By now he knew that I had pinched it from him without telling him but he wasn't as annoyed as I was expecting him to be which was a good thing. It even smelled like him. Eighteen days, that is how much longer I have left on tour until I can go back home to London to spend time with someone I love deeply. I still had quite a few hours until I needed to be at the arena so I pulled it from the hanger and slipped it on over my more trademark shirt and skinny jeans.

I rolled my eyes however when Chris began mocking me but I knew he was only trying to make the best out of a bad situation. He knows how much it affects me when I'm far away from Louis and he knows that these stupid jokes make me not quite as upset. Long distance isn't fun at all but I must deal with it since we're so different from each other. Normally you wouldn't think a worldwide-known singer and a university student would be able to make it work but we manage it alright. Niall soon made an appearance again but this time in his own clothes instead of some strangers and he had also washed up. I still chuckled a little which caused him to give me an extremely annoyed look.

This was what happened for the next couple of hours, just teasing each other back and forth to the point we were extremely pissed off with each other but also laughing so much that our ribs ached at each other. It was going to be weird, not having Niall around for a good year considering he will be flying out to Boston in ten days and he would be there for a few months. At least he will fit in easily, he's always been someone that is downright impossible to dislike and just has something that makes people immediately want to associate with him.

I just hope that people don't essentially use him because of me. It sounds quite obnoxious coming from myself but it can happen. So many people forget that people in industries like this are also normal people and not priceless artefacts. Then again there are a select few (or a lot) of people who do get far too big for their boots and genuinely believe that they are just a reincarnation of some god/goddess. It does disgust me whenever I meet people like this because it happens a lot considering I'm often at awards shows due to my music but I always keep my mouth shut.

Of course, there are still people who hate me even though they have never met me in person. It is either because of jealousy or it is because they read everything in newspapers and believe it simply because it is written in black and white. Seriously though, there was a rumour going around just before I met Louis that I was dating Lou even though I'm very vocal on the topic of me only being attracted to males and not females- plus at the time she was engaged. Out of everyone in my team, I knew her the best. She lived in Holmes Chapel when I also lived there and by chance she ended up becoming my hairdresser whilst on the road. It was nice to have a sense of familiarity around me.

It helped keep my mind from thinking of my boyfriend because whenever I thought of him I always got more upset considering I haven't seen him in over a month. He had a lot more on his plate what with settling into his flat, job, and university. Plus, he had both Olly and Chad to keep him company in between their own jobs. At least I had a concert to look forward to in a few hours but it had only just now stricken 1pm.

For the next hour, I flicked through my social media accounts and even managed to sneak a picture of a very noticeable love bite on Niall's neck and tweeted it with 'someone had a wild night'. I don't think he's noticed it yet because he hasn't attempted to strangle me which I know is exactly what he is going to do when he does see it. I even checked my private accounts which I keep solely for very close friends and family and I have them under a pseudonym so they cannot be traced. There wasn't much interesting however so I just turned my phone off and proceeded to grab a notepad.

For the past month or so I've had writer's block. It wasn't the regular kind either. I had numerous ideas swimming around inside of my mind but somehow when it came to translating those thoughts onto paper it never worked out. I had a verse and a part of a chorus written and that was it. I've gone long periods in which I've not written anything whether that simply be down to being stuck or just simply not having enough time to do so. Now that I did have time though, it just wasn't working. Niall was currently strumming away on his own guitar, making up melodies.

I closed my eyes and attempted to clear my head for a little bit so that the quiet strings were all that I could hear. Lyrics began to formulate in my mind and with that I had started writing away. In the time span of around fifteen minutes I had almost completed a new song and my eyes widened once again. I always surprise myself whenever I finish a song that quickly, especially when I know people who spend days writing just the one. I knew that I was probably not going to be able to get out another one so I put my notepad away and proceeded to look around the room in search of something to do. I cast my gaze to my right towards Niall as a plan began to formulate inside of my head. I'd wanted to do it for a while but I knew that there was no way I would be able to get away with it if I carried it out myself. At first, he didn't notice me looking at him but when he did and saw the smirk on my face he was leaning closer to me with a familiar devilish look in his eyes.

"Want to annoy the fuck out of Chris?"

A similar grin took up his face now as we got up off the couch and started scouring the suite looking for ways to prank him. After a few minutes had passed I text Louis to ask for prank suggestions since he constantly plays them on his sisters, Chad, and Olly. He didn't reply for quite a while but when he did my eyes widened and I rubbed my hands evilly as I read the list he sent us of silly ways to annoy him. Since my bodyguard was going to be away for a few more hours we had plenty of time to really plan this all out.

In total, it took us three hours and we both high-fived at our handiwork. Niall grabbed his phone as he intended to film the entire thing and I knew we had to hold a perfect poker face to not be caught out immediately. My ears perked up when I heard the door open and I smirked a little towards my brother before looking at the television again to make it look as casual as we possibly could. I had to physically bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing when I glanced at the mouse trap only a couple of inches from his feet and he was only in his socks currently.

Time to let the hilarity ensue.

At first I winced as he stepped onto the mouse trap but seeing the way the very large man reacted immediately made up for that. He was hopping all over the floor screaming in a mixture of pain and irritation as he tried (and failed) to remove the device from his toes. Niall's laugh echoed around the room which made it even funnier as his laugh is infectious. It took him a few minutes until he finally figured out how to get it off him but he was too late and he ran into the bathroom and he tripped. Niall had covered the bottom of the doorframe in cling film and this only made us laugh even harder.

By now my back was pressed into the leather and tears were physically streaming down my face in pure amusement. My ribs were aching from laughing but I knew that I wasn't stopping anytime soon as there was a lot more pranks happening. I already knew Niall was going to put this online as soon as it's over and then Chris won't be able to hide his embarrassment as it will be in colour on a screen. Speaking of Chris, I soon heard him make a strange groaning noise which told us that he had found out we switched his mouthwash with fully concentrated TCP.

No noise was leaving my lips now as I had gotten to the point of laughing that no air was entering my lungs. I managed to stop for long enough to take a deep breath but I was soon laughing hysterically again when he finally walked out of the door and gave us the most unimpressed look which only made it funnier for us to be completely honest. Chris walked over and grabbed a bottle of water now and took a large gulp to rid himself of the TCP but he was met with a nasty surprise as we had switched it for vodka.

"You two are fucking arseholes!"

My shoulders began shaking and Niall was finding it just as hilarious as I was. Chris eyed his phone and just gave him an 'are you serious?' look as he realised we were filming this whole thing. He eventually walked over to the sink in the kitchen area and took a large gulp of water from the tap- I don't even want to know what his breath is like right now. Chris eyed the both of us before sitting down but even then, we wouldn't let him as Niall let go of the translucent wire which allowed the giant spider toy to drop from the ceiling and land directly on top of his head.

I didn't even think it was possible for someone so tall and so muscular to scream so high pitched and so loudly but I was proven wrong in that single second. We had to think the entire plan right through to the core so that it would succeed, and we had indeed succeeded in it. That ten or so minutes had easily made up for the three hours that we had spent setting everything up in a non-suspicious way. Chris ended up walking out and heading back to his own room I'm assuming. I don't think we're seeing him until I need to be escorted to the venue after that and he'll probably avoid us afterwards too. I soon got a notification on my phone and I checked to see that Niall had tweeted a link to the video already and this only made me chuckle for a few more minutes.

We still had another hour until then considering I had sound checked this morning instead of afternoon like I usually did. It meant I could get inside to get it all over with before the crowds got too crazy. There already was a lot of people standing outside when I done it but since they hadn't expected me to be there early, they hadn't noticed I was there. I looked over to Niall who was on his phone again, probably on twitter considering he's addicted to social media. He seemed to notice that I was looking directly at him because he proceeded to lock it and throw it down on the cushion beside him.

"So, how was your night?"

I didn't hold in my laughter as his face contorted into complete annoyance and he proceeded to grab a pillow and throw it at me. Since he was so far away it didn't reach me and this only made him more annoyed that he had gotten his aim drastically wrong. I shook my head in amusement at this but I caught him wiggling his eyebrows jokingly my way. I groaned now because I knew what was coming even though he hadn't spoken a word yet.

"So, how is the land of love then?"

He turned around with a satisfied smirk on his face as he thought that the conversation was over. As quietly as I could, I leaned over and grabbed the pillow he had thrown my way and threw it back at him. I had gotten my aim right unlike him and he lost his balance and fell off the couch. A very high pitched laugh erupted from me at this as he got up from the floor grumbling in irritation and pain. He also gave me his middle finger which if anything, only made me laugh more than I was previously. Silence erupted around us once again after this but the aura had changed, I knew that he was thinking about the night terrors being back.

"How often are you getting them? Are they back like what they used to be like or are they just occasional?"

I looked down to my lap and twiddled my fingers amongst one another to try and distract myself. I found my eyes slowly analysing the cross tattoo that I had on my left hand and my thumb dragged along the tiny inking. A lot of people assumed I had gotten it because they thought I was very religious but this wasn't really the case. I believe in a lot of things but religion is not one of them. I don't look at anyone different who do have a faith because it is their choice and no one else's. I'm not too sure why I had chosen a cross due to its connotations but I wanted something that would give me something to look at to try and distract myself if it got too much. It had helped me on numerous occasions just as I was about to force metal or glass into my skin to create a cut. It had been a long time since I had last done so and I had promised Louis I would never do it again.

"They started up again last month, just before we left London. They've been getting more vivid and I'm fucking scared, Niall. What if it happens again and nobody is near me? The only good thing is that they aren't regular like they used to be. I've been getting around two per week and you know from personal experience that it has been a lot worse than that previously."


	5. Four.

I should have known that it was too good to be true. I'd known it for a very long time that things were not going to be smooth sailing ever since essentially recovering for a while. It had happened a couple of times before after all and each with almost deadly consequences- well, one did. The first time that I had managed to consider my life getting better, my brother died at his own hands. The second time it had happened was when my biological family had betrayed me by bailing out my rapist simply for the reason of spiting me. I don't even consider them my family, they never had been anyway.

Not even when it all happened, they just seemed to shrug it off like it was nothing. It was extremely hypocritical as well considering they disowned me due to my sexuality yet they backed up a disgusting man who sexually abused his own son. It was twisted and it makes me sick now whenever I think about it. For years, I had gone without having a family yet now I kind of do have a family, just not in blood relations. It takes a lot more than a blood link to be a family person, family is supposed to support you no matter what happens and this could not be any further from the truth in my case.

I've never really spoken about it openly to the people whom I do consider to be family, but I think they know that I consider them as something a lot more than friends or mutual relationships. Chris was like the crazy uncle that everyone secretly wishes that they had. Niall was like a brother to me and not just in a legal way. After all, paperwork doesn't define a person for who they are. His dad is the father figure that I never had in my life, his brother was also like another brother to me. Then there was Chad and Olly who I wasn't that close with but I also considered them a bit like cousins. Most of all though, there was Jay and all of Louis' sisters. The way that they interact with each other despite a lot of shit happening to their dynamic, they've remained strong. Something I never had and had convinced myself to be false until I had seen it with my own eyes.

Even now, Jay won't talk about her alcohol addiction. Yes, she was sober now but it takes very little to relapse into a dark place- I of all people should know this. I've been in some dark places and each time I even somewhat escape them, there is always something that grasps a part of my body and pulls me back inside. I'm never truly free, and right now that was obvious. I'd had another nightmare, the fifth that I've had this week alone. It was getting bad again and I knew that Niall and Chris were growing extremely impatient with my lack of cooperation. I knew that they couldn't help though, there only was one person who could help me right now and he was an entire ocean away.

I hadn't told Louis still. I know that I must eventually because I could feel myself slowly slipping under again and I was really fucking terrified of that happening. The last time I did, I would have died if Louis had not found me when he did. Suicide was something I'd never considered in any way because I had lived through the aftermath of dealing with someone you love taking their own life, but I was not in my right state of mind at the time. I had to keep reminding myself of this. Episodes are weird for me, very different to a lot of other people who have depressive episodes of any form.

Niall hadn't told me about what he did behind my back, and I both wanted to hug him and scream at him for it. Even now there was a never ending niggling voice in the back of my head telling me that I was perfectly fine. I knew that I wasn't obviously, but it was hard to break out of it and just ignore. I was in denial about what was clearly happening. He had arranged for a therapist to come on the remainder of my tour with me, without consulting me at all. Her name was Lisa and she had just walked onto the bus and told me bluntly that those around me wanted me to seek professional help again.

Which was why I was currently sulking and feeling quite raw in a sense. It was difficult for me to talk to people I was close to on my difficult life and it was almost impossible for me to speak to someone that I didn't know at all. It only hurt me more because her features reminded me of someone that I would never get to see again. Her medium length chocolate brown hair, hazel eyes, and deep dimples were scarily like none other than my mum's. It was a bit like someone had taken a piece of my life and flung it straight back in my face again, reminding me that I would never get that piece back again. She was patient with me however, very patient.

The first day I just sat down and stared at anything and everything at the same time, not even acknowledging her at all. The second day she sat down and took one look at my tired expression and noticed I hadn't been sleeping. I managed to tell her that I suffered from vivid night terrors which consisted of my past. The third day I had almost had a panic attack but she had spotted the signs immediately and helped me calm down before it really took over in a sense. The day after that she sat me down and brought up the topic of bipolar disorder. At first I had snorted because surely, I didn't have it, but then she started listing off the most common signs of it and suddenly it all made sense.

I didn't display every symptom obviously, but she agreed with me on this one. It was enough of a comfort knowing that it wasn't simply my mind in its normal state of denial over everything. Of course, she wasn't qualified to officially diagnose the condition, but she stated that there was something else that wasn't quite right with me. I'd known for a while really, in a piece of my mind that there was something else there and not simply just being depressed. Yes, I was in a stable place right now but like I've said, it takes very little for a mental illness to really come to light once again. It was a couple of days after this talk that she asked me to explain what was going through my mind.

The thing is though, whenever people ask me to explain what I feel like when I'm dragged back into the ditch that is nearly impossible to escape from, I never know how to answer. Every time it is different, and therefore it is difficult to find a pattern that will help someone else understand. It's a bit like being stuck in a hole in the middle of nowhere- where nobody can hear you. Managing to escape yet getting lost in the woods. Then getting stuck again in another hole only for history to play its sick repetitive game.

Feeling so cut off from everything going on around you, never fully connecting with people because there is a barrier that never lets up no matter how hard you try. Everything around you moving at an impossible speed but seemingly being stuck in a specific moment of time. Which was why I had currently locked myself up in my bathroom, my nails frantically digging deep into my arms in a desperate attempt for relief. I'm not even sure what caused this constant domino effect with me but within a matter of days I had been sucked back into the hole inside the woods.

Even if I did escape from the trees I would still never fully escape. The memories were always going to be imprinted in the back of my mind. My eyes scanned the room in search for something to help distract me enough so that I could maybe fight off the incoming episode that I could feel. Everything is a pattern now, a horrific pattern that had a beginning but will never have an ending. Any kind of problem mentally never miraculously disappears. I caught sight of something silver and I forced myself to look away. I had promised Louis a long time ago that I would never bring a blade to my skin again with the intention of self-harming but I cannot deny that the temptation was irresistible.

No, don't think about doing it.

I never got anywhere when I used to cut and unfortunately, I have permanent reminders of it. Written into my arms in pale ink, blending seamlessly into my pale skin and hidden under tattoos. I'm surprised at times that nobody in the media has ever noticed my very visible scars of the past unless I had told them myself. Then again, I very rarely show off any part of my body whenever I am out in public. It's a terrifying thought, the thought of knowing that I am entrapped for life no matter what I do. I may have beaten it for now but I knew that I would eventually be dragged even deeper into the woods one day and I knew that when that day would come that I would be the same I was before Louis came into the picture.

He was helping me unknowingly for a very long time. It was him who had woken me from that night terror hours after we had gotten together. He stood by me then. He stood by me when he first witnessed me have a panic attack even if the dots hadn't connected at the time. He hadn't run away from me when he found out that I suffered from a lot of depression like I assumed he would have. He didn't run away when I told him the reason as to why I had ended up so mentally unstable. He stood by me when I tried to kill myself, heck, it was him who figured it out and found me in time.

It's different for everyone, depression that is. What someone considers it to be like might not be what it is like for someone else. I kind of had two sides to it, a bit like I had two separate personalities in a sense now that I think about it. I'd heard Louis tell me of this before but up until now I didn't believe him. As much as I hated it, he knew what he was talking about.

I did have two sides to me, a good side and a bad side. There were days when I was a lot more stable and dare I say it- the cheeky boy that I was before Marcel died. There were also numerous days when I struggled to even get out of bed in the morning, where I wanted to just disappear from everything. I'd never really considered suicide in the way that a lot of others do. People think that when they find out about my past as far as my attempt to commit along with my self-harming addiction, that I want to die. But I don't, I just want to disappear from everything so that I can observe everything that is going on in peace and quiet.

I suppose this was also the same when it came to panic attacks. Just because I don't have them regularly or because I have decidedly different ones compared to the ones that get the most media publicity doesn't mean that they aren't panic attacks. A lot of people describe it as being stuck in a box which is slowly shrinking, having no air to breathe and struggling to stay awake. Out of these, I only struggled to breathe whenever I had one but that might just be my asthma playing a part in the equation. Every time I get one, it is a memory. Fabricated memories. With people whom I genuinely love and care about being the ones to witness the horrors I've gone through in my life.

My most recent one was flashing in my head right now, and it only caused me to dig my nails even deeper into my arms. The temptation was growing and I know that I should probably get out of here before I can't help myself, but it was like I was rooted to the spot. My heart was beating rapidly still despite me waking up almost an hour before, sweat beads still falling down my forehead. Another dream of the rape, but this time it was worse as it wasn't my biological dad doing it- it was Louis. I know that he would never do something as despicable as that, but there was still a fear in the back of my mind because we'd still never gone further than oral.

I was terrified of him leaving me because he couldn't wait. There was always a lot of pressure on my shoulders due to being in an industry when every single word and move is analysed in ridiculous detail, interpreted in numerous different ways as well. There were still people out there who believed I was lying about my sexuality and I was only dating Louis so he could gain recognition. There were people who believed that we were being unfaithful to each other which was complete and utter bullshit to be honest. Neither of us have ever been unfaithful in our relationship and I'm fed up of putting the record straight. Louis is too and people were now assuming we were 'confirming' said rumours because we weren't saying anything.

There isn't anything that interesting with us in that way. All we are is two twenty-year-old's who are in love with each other. Nothing more than that. We've already been through so much and much to my misfortune, most our struggles were down to me. We'd already broken up once because I wasn't ready to tell Louis everything when he asked. Maybe I was ready and I had convinced myself that I wasn't. Even to this day I'm terrified of telling anybody about what has happened to me in the past. I've told Lisa very little and the last people I told in person were Chad and Olly. There's maybe only around twenty people in the world who know the whole story and I do feel guilty about it.

People only see what I let them see and not what I want them to see. I know deep down that I want people to see who I am as a person and not this overly glamorised singer. I don't understand why I get treated differently because of my job. That is all my singing is, a job that is my biggest hobby and my most trusted coping mechanism. It sounds cliché but if it wasn't for the music I probably wouldn't have lived longer than my brother. I've gone through so much and it comes out in batches. I just hope that one day I can beat it for good and never need to worry about breaking again.

This was enough of a wakeup call to snap me out of my current state of mind. I shook my head a little bit before forcing myself off the ground and into my bedroom. Numerous thoughts were swirling in my head now and I just sat down on my bed, grabbed my notepad and began scribbling ideas down. I didn't have enough time to put what was going through my head into song considering I had a concert in a few hours. In fact, I had to leave for my sound check in roughly twenty minutes. Once I had finished, I quickly changed clothes before running downstairs to wait on my driver to pick me up. Right now, I was in Atlanta, well, about a mile outside of the city. I was placed in a hotel far away from the arena I was playing tonight to lessen the chances of being found by fans.

At least I don't have long left to the final leg of my tour. This meant that I could go home to London and spend a lot of time with Louis. I hadn't spoken to him for almost a week but I knew that he was extremely busy with university work and due to the time change it was difficult to do so anyway. I miss hearing his slightly high pitched voice. I miss waking up cuddled in his arms. I miss being able to hold him. Whenever I am away for longer than a fortnight, I try my best not to think about him. Instead, I think about what is going on in my life only and not our life. It makes it a little easier to get through the time apart from each other.

A black Mercedes van soon came into my line of vision and I swiftly jumped into the back seat. I pulled out my headphones and putting them into my ears. I put my playlist on shuffle and closed my eyes. It was roughly a thirty-minute drive to the arena from where I was staying so it gave me time to think about a lot of things. This disappeared though the second a song came on that meant a lot to me. I closed my eyes immediately and tried to stop the memories from coming to the surface. My brother might have not found a way to vent out everything when he needed it, but this song was always one that he had loved.

There was also only a week that I had left with Niall before he leaves for Boston. This only scared me more because just now, it was only him and Chris who were helping me remain sane. How would I fare with only one of them? It might sound selfish coming from my part but it was scaring me a lot. I don't want to revert to that dark place again. I'd promised people that I loved too much that I would try and remain somewhat level-headed and I didn't want to break that promise. Especially Louis. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I broke the one thing I promised him. I almost did just that this morning when I was staring at that single blade, contemplating whether it was worth it to rip my own skin open and watch the blood drip down the pale colour.

I snapped out of my daydream and looked out of the blacked-out window to see where I was. I blinked in surprise as I recognised that we were only a couple of minutes from the arena. As we got closer I could see crowds of people lining up and singing along to my songs and it brought a large smile to my face. Even though my fans know very little about my mental struggle, they also help without realising. Just the way that they are so passionate and always go out of their way to show how much they love me. I've gone through years in my life when I honestly felt as though everyone was against me. Occasionally there was still a little voice telling me that no one did, but I had learned to ignore it. I couldn't allow that negative side of me to take over me again, it would not end up well at all.

Not many people were inside the arena currently apart from the people who worked here. It was nice though, just peace and quiet which I like from time to time. Of course, I do get peace in the hotel but for some reason being surrounded by people remaining relatively quiet is so much better. I quickly found my dressing room which was surprising considering this was my first show here and I've never played in this arena before. Normally whenever I am just doing a sound check, I keep in-ears here along with my guitars that I'm going to be using during the concert. Obviously before I go on stage they are moved to just outside of the crowd's line of vision so they are all easily accessible.

I slipped the tiny devices into my ears and picked up my acoustic along with one of my electrics before making my way to the stage. It took a lot longer for me to sound check than other artists because I must check every instrument along with the microphone. It would not end up well if one of them cut out mid-performance. That has happened once before and it was very embarrassing considering it happened on live television. As I walked there, I spotted Chris nearby who looked to be having an arm wrestle with Niall. I shook my head fondly at the pair of them before jumping onto the stage.

All in all, it took me just over two hours to complete the set list along with checking my instruments. The show wasn't starting for another three hours so I had plenty of time to get dressed and to eat something beforehand. Niall seemed to be thinking similarly as the second I stepped off the stage he had grabbed my hand and promptly dragged me to the caterers. I didn't even react to his enthusiasm because if there is food nearby, you can pretty much guarantee that is where Niall will be. Even the amount that he piled onto his plate didn't shock me anymore as I have seen him previously devouring a family sized KFC to himself and he was still complaining about being hungry afterwards.

Once we had gotten our food, we made our way back to my dressing room. If I ever have time before a show, we will probably sit and play video games. I assumed that this was what we were going to do and I was correct in my assumptions. I wasn't even sure what it was that we were playing seen as Niall had only purchased the game this morning, but it was quite fun. Two hours quickly passed by before we decided to stop playing. We didn't want to get too into it because I hated being late. A lot of the time I was anyway but usually never any later than fifteen minutes. I didn't want to be one of those artists who puts their own entertainment before everything else whenever it comes to tours. A weird feeling overcame me when I spotted Niall giving me an accusatory glare, and I knew exactly what it was about.

"Have you told him?"

I shook my head in the negative after hesitating for a few moments. Ever since he had figured out that my night terrors were back in full swing and I was having panic attacks regularly once more, he had been trying to get me to tell Louis as soon as possible. His gaze hardened at this which caused me to shy away from him just slightly. I knew that he was angry with me and to be honest, he had every right to be angry with me over this. He saw the state I was in when Louis and I had broken up previously due to me remaining secretive over my life. When that happened, it was him I had gone to and it was his arms I had been in.

"I don't want to tell him over the phone, Niall. I'd much rather tell him in person- "

He snorted a little bit which caused a strange look to overcome my face. He seemed to notice this however as he spoke;

"Don't pull that bullshit, Harry. You know just as much as I that you will not tell him face to face as you will feel guilty over reverting back in on yourself. You'd pretend that everything was fine again and before you know it, everything will bubble over once more. I know you don't like to hear this but someone must say it. The more you are putting this off, the more difficult it is getting. Let me tell you something, Harry. If Louis figures out himself again that you have been keeping things secret, he's not going to hesitate to break up with you. I don't want to see you in that state again, I don't want you to snap again Harry. You're my baby brother and I love you to pieces, ok? I'm scared for you. I don't want you to snap just as much as you don't, but that is what is going to happen if you don't tell him."

I couldn't even retort back with something because he was right. I would put off telling Louis until eventually it got too bad to be ignored again, and I didn't want that. Louis wouldn't stick around if I put it off any longer and despite me not wanting to tell him over the phone, I'd much rather get it done and over with. I don't even want to lose him; I can't lose him. Once Niall moves to Boston, it is only going to be Louis that I can trust wholly apart from Bobby and Greg. His brother was out of the question though considering he lived in Ireland. Maybe I could tell Chris but I can't bring myself to open to everything just now because it will leave me raw for a few days. This wouldn't be good because I try to remain as level-headed as possible for my job.

"Ok, Niall. I'll tell Louis the next time I call him."

"You'd better, Harry. Because if you don't, then I will and he isn't going to like it if you don't soon."


	6. Five.

There have been plenty of times in my life where it has felt as though everything going on around me is not real. Like I'm in a dream of some sorts. The kind of sensation where there are times when I feel as though I can simply just pinch my arm and wake up from everything and be just a regular twenty-year-old. I think it is these thoughts that keep me really grounded in a sense along with the fact that I have a group of people around me who keep me from getting too lost in the limelight. I never want to end up being like those people who think that they are better than everyone else because of their job, who they are related to, or because of their fortune.

There is no part of this life that I ever want to take for granted because I know that if I do it will all disappear. I've met a lot of people in the entertainment industry where they put up a fake persona to hide their ugly personalities. It disgusts me that so many people believe these lies without knowing any different. If anybody saw these types of people behind the scenes, then they would easily have a very harsh reality check and would be saying goodbye to a lot of the aspects of their luxurious lifestyles.

So, as I stared at my phone, my mind was kind of blank in a sense. A bit like the sort of sensation when people tell you things but it never really sinks in. Seeing my name next to that small 1 on the iTunes chart just didn't seem to settle. This was my fifth single that had gone straight in at the top spot within either the first or second week of release and each time it seemed even less real in a sense. It's extremely difficult to describe these kinds of thoughts because very few people will ever understand unless they have experienced it personally. I honestly felt like I was just staring at someone who just happened to share the exact same name as I do but the picture of my face along with the single artwork only proved that it was indeed me and not someone else.

I clicked out of it and moved over to my Twitter, quickly going through my timeline and occasionally replying to some fans. I didn't reply to the ones that were all saying congratulations and things like this because if I do I know that I'll feel as though I'm starting to get too used to this kind of life. Being away from home a lot can do this because there are so little people that you can trust abroad because they might know who you are and take advantage of you.

I glanced at my watch and nodded a little to myself that I was on time again. I had an interview in around thirty minutes and the people who were conducting said interview should be arriving at my hotel room any minute now. I was already dressed for the day. I was wearing my trademark black skinny jeans along with a white tank top. On top of this I had on a red and navy checked shirt which I didn't button up. I didn't bother doing anything with my hair apart from brushing it slightly because anybody who has naturally curly or wavy hair, brushing never ends up well. I don't want to be in front of a camera looking like I had a giant brown cloud on top of my head.

I chuckled a little when I received a text from Niall basically saying that we were going clubbing tonight in celebration. I've never been a person who ever genuinely enjoyed the atmosphere in a club, preferring to either stay at home or go to a small pub. Since I was only here for ten more days though, I reasoned with myself that a night out wouldn't be bad at all. I snapped out of it when I heard a couple of knocks on the door and I quickly opened it, allowing the four people inside. One was going to be asking the questions, two were dealing with the camera setup and lighting, and the last was going to be dealing with the sound.

There weren't any interesting questions asked, just the same old shit but on a different day. However, the atmosphere was much more relaxed considering there wasn't an audience and the people seemed genuinely nice. I think being in my own hotel room helped massively as well. It's difficult to explain how being on a stage in front of thousands of people can be quite suffocating at times even if it is amazing at the same time. I've spoken to many close friends in the industry and they also have the exact same thought process as I do- well, the people who know that they are privileged and don't consider themselves special because we've got jobs that very few people have.

I think in total the entire thing lasted almost an hour but it wouldn't be that long once all the footage had been edited. Once they had left, I ran my hands over my face and let out a long sigh. It had been a few days after I had told Niall that I would tell Louis about everything as soon as I possibly could. I still hadn't, I hadn't been able to get into contact with him the last few days. With the time difference and with him immersing himself in his studies along with a part-time job, it was difficult to find a time slot where we could both have a decent talk instead of a few minutes here and there. We both agreed that one long talk not so often was a lot better than talking often for only a few minutes.

I checked the time once again and licked my lips slightly. It was nearing 5pm so with that I text Niall asking him if we could go and get food. Over the three days that I had been in Dallas, Texas for, he had made it his mission to take me to one of his favourite restaurants. I don't tend to eat out that often but I like to on occasion. If we were going to go out tonight, then we should probably grab something to eat beforehand. He replied a few minutes later and soon there was another loud knock on the door. He wasted no time whatsoever in walking straight inside and giving me a look. I knew exactly what it was he was implying and I shoved him slightly.

Niall had never really understood my sense of fashion. In fact, he's outright told me on a few occasions that he would be embarrassed to be seen with me with what I sometimes wore. Eventually we always did go out together despite his embarrassment but he was accepting of me. This was my way of expressing myself along with writing everything I felt instead of doing anything destructive. I quickly grabbed the keys to my rental along with my wallet and phone. I'm not too sure why my management arranged a rental for me considering I was only in Texas for a few days but I also wasn't complaining as it meant I didn't have to wait around awkwardly for a driver to collect me.

I passed the keys to Niall considering he knew exactly where it was we were going whereas I did not. I just knew that they had good food because Niall would not go there if this wasn't the case. The entire journey we bickered constantly over what to put on the radio and we eventually ended up just playing music out loud from our phones. A few jokes were made on the way there. We weren't anywhere near the centre of the city which told me that he had probably found this place on one of his night-time strolls. He always struggled with time differences a lot worse than I did but he dealt with this by wandering around the various cities I visit when I'm on tour or simply just doing promotion.

Eventually he pulled up outside of a rather shabby looking building and I gave him a weird look. I just shook my head because I've learned to not question his strange antics in the four years that I've known him for. It really isn't that long of a time but it feels like he's been in my life for an awful lot longer than he has been. I kind of miss the days where we would stay up until the early hours with our guitars and singing to eighties and nineties rock music. I don't think Bobby misses this though because we got into trouble numerous times for doing so although he never got mad at us.

The inside of the building shocked me really. I was expecting it to be shabby looking when it was surprisingly clean. There was the tiniest stench of cigarette smoke but it wasn't the kind that burned your nose when it was breathed in. We sat down at one of the booths near the back to lessen the chances of me being recognised. I very rarely get time to spend with Niall so when I do I like it to be as ordinary as possible for us. He's said numerous times that he doesn't care if any time we get together is very public but I know that deep down it annoys him.

I realised quickly that this was a burger place which I was kind of glad about. Of course, I enjoy the more finer food occasionally but at times you really cannot beat something simple. We both ordered the same thing apart from our drinks, him getting a pint whereas I just got a plain coffee. We were there for roughly an hour and soon we were back in my rental. Niall handed over the keys to me this time though because he knew that I got nervous whenever there was any kind of alcohol in someone's system when they were driving but I had good reason for that. After all, it was a drunk driver that ended up crashing into my parents and sister's car on what should have been a happy day.

I text Chris to let him know that we were heading out for the night in celebration for getting my fifth number one single. He replied to call him when we were done so that he could come and collect us since we were both going with the intention of getting drunk. He directed me where to go considering I don't know the city at all since whenever I've been in Texas before I was normally in Austin but this time I wasn't since I was playing in a larger arena. On the journey, I had to stop rather quickly when the car in front stalled, this made me laugh enough as it was but the fact that Niall jerked awkwardly at the suddenness only brought on a large round of cackles from me.

We were just heading to a pub right now until the clubs opened considering it was still quite early. We had soon arrived at our destination and we slid out of the car. Due to the time, there wasn't many people in currently which I wasn't really going to complain about to be honest. I rarely get any time to spend time with friends or 'family' whenever I am out. I hate being treated like I'm some sort of product and not as a human being. That's all I am, I'm nothing special. We both sat down at a booth and Niall went up and got a couple of pints for us.

It was roughly 10pm when we finally left, neither of us drunk by any means or even tipsy to be honest. There was just a faint buzzing sensation but I was still aware of what was going on around me. I don't even like the feeling of being drunk, I hate not knowing what is going on around me or with me for that matter. I've had plenty of experience in it after all since a young age. Since I was rather well known, we ended up being let in without having to wait in the queue and we were led up to the VIP lounge.

I spotted a few people that I recognised, but one certainly did bring a very large smile to my face. Niall left again in search for more alcohol which left me standing alone in this crowded room. I walked over slowly in case it wasn't who I thought it was but I was proven right when he turned around and opened his arms out for me to return the hug. It had been a while since I had last seen Ed, a few months anyway. We don't really talk much to each other but that doesn't define a friendship in my opinion. What defines a good friendship is when one or more are down and the others all step in to cheer them up.

"So, what number one is this then? Your fourth, isn't it?"

I blushed a little and replied quietly that it was my fifth here. His eyes widened for a second before shaking his head and basically saying that he would pay for our drunks tonight as a congratulation. It might seem cocky that I didn't mind this considering my wealth. Then again, nobody would turn down free drinks under any circumstances, especially when it is a close friend buying them. He arrived once again soon holding glasses of what I assumed to be whisky if the scent was anything to go by. He gave me a bit of a challenging look but I caught the playful glint and returned it back. I tilted my head back and drank the glass in one go, screwing my face up as the burn kicked in at the back of my throat.

Ed laughed a little at the face that I made but it was my turn to laugh at him when he made just as equally a comical face when he repeated my actions. I genuinely had no idea how much it was that we had drank or how long it was that we had stood there for. A few people came over to say hello but we never really had a conversation afterwards. A lot of people tell me to not be so reserved but they don't know why I have such major issues with trust- even Ed doesn't know a single thing about what has happened to me in the past and truthfully, I plan on keeping it that way. I don't like keeping secrets but there are things that really do need to be kept quiet. I'm not ready for anybody to know what I've gone through, it was hard enough telling Louis. I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Ed let out a cackling laugh and I looked to see what it was that he found so funny.

"I think someone is enjoying the attention."

When I caught on to what it was that he was looking at, I also let out a loud laugh. Near the back was a very intoxicated Niall attempting to get what I'm assuming was a one-night-fling but it wasn't working out for him. I shook my head fondly and gulped down the remainder of my drink before bidding Ed goodbye and telling him I would text more often. I walked over to where Niall was with a slight sway in my step. It was always when he got like this that it was immediately leaving time before anything worse happened. As I got closer, I spotted the brunette that was sitting on his lap and was rather obviously deliberately shifting in her position to irritate him. This caused me to bite my lip to keep my laughter at bay.

I tapped him on the shoulder to catch his attention and he opened his mouth to shout something but this didn't go to plan as a massive burp erupted from his throat instead. Now, I couldn't hold in my laughter and the mystery brunette walked away in disgust. He didn't even seem to notice anything different and I took this opportunity to grab his hand and lead him outside, calling my driver along the way. I wouldn't say I was sober, but I wasn't exactly drunk either. We weren't waiting outside for very long but it was still enough time for paparazzi to catch on and they were soon surrounding us and taking multiple pictures. I just hope that Niall doesn't do something stupid right now. It might be funny for me but it isn't for him when he sees pictures online of his drunk self.

Soon, the black Mercedes van appeared and we both slid in the back, him still babbling a whole lot of nonsense. I rolled my eyes when some of the press began to follow us in their own cars. I should probably be used to this now considering I've been in this industry for three years but it only seemed to get weirder as time goes by. It took us roughly thirty minutes before we arrived back at our hotel and Niall was only getting more and more comical. When he is drunk, he doesn't get weird but instead he just talked about anything and everything- very rarely making any kind of sense whatsoever.

I spotted my bodyguards come outside to help us back in without a large struggle. The second I opened the door, I had to close my eyes due to the extremely bright lights. Have I ever said how much I fucking hate paparazzi? Because I do, I really do. Niall was putting up a fight, clearly not wanting the night to be at an end yet and I gently grabbed a hold of his arm to help get him inside before he seriously embarrasses himself. Just as we were at the door to the hotel, he put up more of a struggle and I immediately took hold of him with my free hand to help more. However, he had other ideas. As soon as I had my arms around his waist to hold him somewhat still, he turned around and he did something that I never would have expected.

He kissed me.

At first, nothing seemed to register in my head but the second I realised what was going on I quickly pulled away and took a few steps back. He walked over once again and went to lean in again but I immediately shoved him back a few feet again. This was what seemed to snap him out of his drunken stupor and he looked directly at me. It was like everyone surrounding us disappeared in the blink of an eye and it was just the two of us. I've never seen him sober up as quickly as that but I guess kissing your brother who was in a relationship with someone else does that to a person. Neither of us blinked and the silence was quite terrifying. I knew that it was only a few seconds that had passed but it honestly felt like it had been hours. The next thing I knew was that he took off running in the opposite direction and this snapped me back to reality.

"Niall!"

It didn't do anything as he kept running. I felt one of my bodyguards grabbing me from behind to get me inside the hotel away from all the press who were surely posting any pictures and videos they had on their phones right now. What am I going to say to Louis? I know for him he will be preparing to go to his noon lecture because it was 3am here and with the eight-hour time difference from Texas and England. Once I was inside, I immediately ran for the lift and frantically pressed the 8 button. I need to speak to someone and right now.

I rapidly knocked on Chris' door and he soon answered with a very irritated look on his face considering I had clearly just woke him up. This changed immediately when he took in my facial expression and he let me inside, closing the door behind me. Within a split second, he had wrapped me into a tight hug and walked me over to the couch that was in his room, lowering me down so that I was sitting. Disbelief was still clouding me as my mind replayed everything that had just happened there, it didn't feel like real life. He asked me something but I didn't hear him the first time. I did the second time he asked however and I somehow managed to answer him;

"Niall kissed me, and then he ran away."


	7. Six.

There have been many times in my life where one feeling was very predominant with me. That being shock. This had all ranged from multiple different forms going from a stunned shock to angry shock. However, as I sat on the couch in Chris' hotel room with his arm around me- I couldn't place what kind of shock it was that was rippling through me. I was stunned, and I was angry. At the same time though there were multiple other emotions running through me in intense levels and it was almost impossible for me to pinpoint to what one it was that was in the highest dosage currently.

It is insane how just a minute of someone's time can do this to them. I had turned my phone off the second I got inside before all my notifications blow up and guilt was sinking in. Had I just cheated on Louis? It sure seemed like it considering for a few seconds I didn't do anything. Then again, what could I have done in that miniscule time span? My head was all over the place as it was then adding that on top of everything only made things worse. I don't even know how long it had been since that happened. Had it been seconds, minutes, or even hours? Ever since I had told Chris what happened I had barely spoken a word and luckily, he understood that I needed the silence to put everything together.

Worry was also very apparent as one of the people who works with me who had gone after Niall said that he had gotten away but they were still looking for him. Where had he gone? Why did he kiss me? Did Niall like me in more ways than his brother? So many unanswered questions that would continue to be unanswered unless Niall was found. Where could he have even gone? He didn't know this city well and this only made my stomach flip uncomfortably that he could be in serious trouble. I really hope that he isn't.

Eventually, Chris seemed to get fed up of me moping around like I currently was and he stated that I should go for a bath or shower to try and clear my head a little bit. I couldn't do anything but nod because I still seemed to be on autopilot over what had happened. A part of me was telling me that I had only imagined it in my state but I wasn't even drunk, I was just on the verge of being drunk. I was still completely aware of my surroundings and what was going on around me. At least I pulled away but I felt bad about shoving him away from me like I did. Was Niall just having an affectionate drunk moment? Or was it something else?

I shook my head as I fiddled around with the numerous different settings to get a temperature and pressure that I liked. Once I had, I stripped down and stepped underneath the jet of water and closing the door behind me. For a few minutes, I just stood there with my eyes closed, my mind making no effort to stop that minute repeating in my head. The shocked look that he wore on his face after I had pushed him too only added more guilt to me. I opened my eyes and immediately looked down as some of the hot water got in there and I looked down at my right hand. Violence was something I had never stood for and for very good reason considering what had happened to me at such a young age, and yet I had become violent with him.

I wasn't sure if it was just the water coming from the shower that was just covering my face or if I was crying. I knew that I had to get in touch with Louis as soon as possible. The fact that I hadn't told him about me having panic attacks somewhat regularly or the nightmares plaguing me most nights again only made me feel even worse. I keep thinking that one day he's going to have enough of my mental instability and my natural reaction to keep everything bottled up inside until it exploded and just leave me. I don't know what I would do if that happened. Before he came into my life, I honestly haven't got a single clue how I hadn't snapped sooner.

I've always been hanging on by a single thread that was slowly fraying over time. Sometimes that thread was replaced with a stronger one and sometimes it broke, sending me down the cliff into the crashing waves below. I'm terrified not only of myself but for myself. If I feel this way, how must he feel seeing me like this? He never knew me before everything really started to go wrong. He didn't know what I was like then. I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say I was popular but I wasn't an outcast either. I was somewhere in between. Nobody picked on me but I was never invited to a lot of things either.

This had always worked out well for me considering I very rarely let people in to see just how torn apart I really am. If only somebody could take a needle or super glue and piece all the pieces that were scattered about me back together again. That would never happen, once a person had been shattered beyond repair like I had, there was no way they were becoming the person they used to be again. They could always fake it because it wasn't difficult to do that at all, I had been doing it for years. Deep down though, this only made things worse. However, because I had been pretending for so long about it now, I wondered how long it would be until I cracked in front of a camera.

From then, people would know how much not just my brother's death had affected me, but everything else that happened had affected me. I shut my eyes again which wasn't a good idea because this time I was face with bright blue eyes with a very disappointed look in them. If there was one thing I hated most about the way that I am, it was how much it affected the person I love with all my heart. How much longer would it be until he reached breaking point with me? I wasn't sure how long I stood in the shower for but by the time I did step out into the tiled en-suite my skin had begun to wrinkle.

I quickly dried my body off and pulled my clothes back on before stepping back into Chris' room. He wasn't anywhere to be seen and this was all I needed. The tears came. Within a matter of seconds my face was covered in the warm salty liquid and I was struggling to breathe steadily. I covered my face with my hands as they began to fall harder. My eyes were burning painfully and I already knew that they were red and puffy. At some point, I managed to grab my phone and I eventually turned it on only to see thousands of notifications. I should probably turn those off for my social media because then it wouldn't be anywhere near as crazy.

I didn't get to check anything though because soon the door opened and Chris walked in with a very much relieved look on his face. This disappeared when he saw me though and he immediately slipped back into protective parent mode with me. He walked over and pulled me into his chest, rubbing my back softly and just anything that might calm me down. When this didn't seem to work, he walked us back over until we were on the couch in the room which he carefully lowered me onto, him following soon after. For a few moments, he just left me there to try and collect my thoughts.

"Did they find him?"

He bit his lip and hastily nodded. Just like that, a huge wave of relief flooded through me and I started searching for his number in my phone but Chris stopped me from doing so. With that, I looked up at him with a confused look. I need to speak to him and find out what is going on right now. I cannot stall this at all, I can't stall anything right now. The only reason I wasn't calling Louis was because he was in lectures but he finished early today so I would call him then. I just hope he hasn't jumped to conclusions over what happened. Maybe he hasn't even seen it. I shook my head now because he would have seen it, he's almost always on social media.

"I need to speak to him Chris- "

He cut me off sharply;

"You can't call him. Preston got through to him about ten minutes ago, and he's at the airport. He rescheduled his flights to Boston and he's leaving any minute now."

From hearing this, I made another choked noise that was somewhere between a sob and a hiccough. He seemed to notice this because he had soon pulled me into his chest once again. Even though I was desperate to cry, I just couldn't seem to do that. They were just completely dry now and my throat was itchy.

"He's going to ignore me until he has no choice, isn't he?"

He almost seemed like he didn't want to speak anymore on the matter but eventually he nodded my way. I spent just over an hour in Chris' room before I went back to my own. I almost immediately grabbed my notepad and a pen but when I tried to write down what it was that I was feeling, it just wasn't happening. I didn't have a clue where to begin with these built-up emotions that had come to light tonight. At least I have a day off tomorrow- well technically today considering it was 7am. I hadn't slept at all and I knew that I wasn't getting to sleep anytime soon either. Once I realised that Louis would be back at his flat now or at either Olly's or Chad's, I dialled him on Facetime.

I always like to tell him things in person but I couldn't do that considering he was thousands of miles and an ocean away from me currently. This was the next best thing because then I would at least be looking at his face. Long distance hurts, no one can deny that. The first time I called it rung out and this was like a kick to my stomach. Had he seen that video of Niall kissing me and he was now ignoring me? I hadn't even watched the video in question and just as I was about to search it up myself to see how much the press had caught, my phone rang again. Relief washed over me once again and I quickly answered and balanced my phone against a water bottle before sitting on the large bed.

"What's up, love?"

Just hearing his voice immediately caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach. My lips quivered a little bit and my head was immediately telling me to keep coy but I know that I need to tell him.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Louis."

He paused whatever he was doing and frowned my way as if he had no idea what it was that I was sorry over. Bile was beginning to rise in the back of my throat but I refused to let it stop me. I can't keep hiding from him because I don't want another repeat of the last time I kept things from him.

"Did you see it?"

He seemed to pause momentarily and this confirmed to me that he did indeed see the video I was talking about. The fact that Niall had changed his flights and had left for Boston already told me that he had assumed he had destroyed our brotherly bond and friendship immediately by doing that.

"Don't you dare kick yourself over that, Harry Styles. I can see how shocked you were and how he seemed completely heartbroken as well when he realised what he done. A lot of your fans agree with me on that as well. Yes, some people are saying you were pretending to be upset over it but I know you so well and you don't react as quickly as that when you're planning something. Have you spoken to him about it?"

I must have visibly relaxed because he gave me a large smile. From the decoration in the background, I knew that he was in my house which caused a small chuckle to escape me. Even though he now has his own place he still spends a lot of nights there. I can vaguely remember him saying something along the lines of it making him feel closer to me whenever I need to go on tour. This disappeared though as his question registered and he seemed to notice my change of mood. Out of everyone who knows the entire story, he knows me the best.

"No, I haven't. I turned my phone off after he ran away and nobody heard from for hours. Eventually Preston got through to him and he found out that he had changed his flights to Boston and he's on it right now."

I heard a quiet 'shit' come from him and this caused a small smile to form on my face. He could see how much stress I was under right now and I could tell it was hurting him knowing that he couldn't do anything to stop that. One more week. That is how long I've got left of my tour and I've only got one more city left to go to. These past six weeks have gone by incredibly fast but at the same time they have seemed to drag by so slowly. It's weird being away from home and being so busy. It's only once a day is over that it finally hits me and it's these times that I realise how incredibly lucky I really am.

"Is that it, love?"

I bit my lip and subconsciously I nodded my head. However, I managed to stop myself from doing so and instead shook my head. I could see all the concerned emotions covering his face and I knew that this was tearing him apart inside having to comfort me over a fucking phone instead of in person. I don't want to tell him that things were getting bad again with me mental wise but I know that I need to.

"The night terrors are back."

He sucked in a sharp breath at this. He had always hoped that I had completely managed to kick depression in the arse but that wasn't happening any time soon. Heck, it might never happen. The chance is very little but maybe one day I could say goodbye to all of this and live a somewhat ordinary life.

"Are you having panic attacks and episodes again?"

At this, I moved my head from side to side awkwardly which both confirmed and denied what he had asked. His confused expression normally brought a smile to my face but this was no laughing matter under any kind of circumstance at all. I licked my lips to add some moisture to the cracked skin and thought over what to say to him without it sounding worse than it really was.

"I haven't had any episodes, but yes, I have been having panic attacks again. I came close to doing- "

I rolled my sleeve up to show some of my old scars and he winced in pain before I continued;

"But I stopped myself before I could do anything. I'm so fucking scared, Lou. I can feel myself slipping and I don't want to fall back into that dark place again. I can't put you through that again."

His eyes seemed to burn holes into my skin, almost as if he were seeing straight through me but that was impossible. I left him for a few minutes to collect his thoughts, I had basically just dropped another bombshell on him and I was just waiting on him to say that he had given up and for him to walk out of my life. This didn't happen though much to my delight.

"I don't know what to say, Harry. I know from seeing you that the chances of you breaking free from this is extremely low. You're a fighter though, you might not think you are, but you are, you need to have more faith in yourself. I'm not just saying that because I love you or you're my boyfriend, I'm saying that because it's true. You're an amazing person love and don't let anybody tell you any different. Thank you for being honest with me on this, I know it hurts to speak up on your troubles. I'm also not stupid, Chris told me about Lisa. Is she helping you at all?"

A choked noise escaped me at this. Just what else had other people informed him of before I told him again? I decided to not ponder too much on this and I nodded a little. She wasn't helping much but she had taught me ways to catch a panic attack before it really hit. I couldn't control them obviously because they're very unpredictable to anybody who has them, but knowing it was happening was a massive relief. We talked for about an hour before I checked the battery on my phone to see it was in the red area. With that, we bid our goodbyes and promising to speak at least twice more before I fly back to London for winter. I've got about five weeks off after this tour has finished apart from a couple of interviews. A lot of the stress that was on my shoulders had vanished now that I had told Louis what had been going on. With this thought in mind, I flung myself back onto my bed and fell asleep despite it not even being noon yet.


	8. Seven.

The screams were echoing in my ears, causing them to buzz painfully. However, this only added to the experience of being a singer and touring often. I was inside of a glass case- or at least I think it was glass, I've never actually asked what they were made of. I had my guitar strapped around me, my fingers soundlessly playing a few chords to get used to the feeling once more. That was the thing with being a guitar player, you can't ever really stop playing for a certain amount of time because your fingers can seize up which makes it harder to switch chords. This night needed to go perfect and I was not going to risk anything at this moment in time.

The scream from outside got louder and I glanced around underneath the stage to see a few people who worked with the staging and sound system of the arena. Whether they noticed me doing so I wasn't so sure. I closed my eyes for a second as I heard the countdown begin and my heart began beating faster in a mixture of nerves and excitement. A lot of people in the entertainment industry like nerves because there is a larger adrenaline rush but I was not one of these people. I got that rush simply from running around doing what I love doing and seeing people enjoy it.

I felt the platform underneath me budge for a second which the crew always done to give me a warning. It's happened before during rehearsals when they didn't give me the warning and I almost had a panic attack from it. I breathed deeply through my mouth, a trick that Louis had taught me to remain calm and collected. I kept my eyes closed however so I wouldn't be momentarily blinded by the lights once I was catapulted onto the stage. The next couple of seconds were a massive blur and soon the scream really hit my ears and I was seeing strange colours that may or may not have been there.

Eventually, I opened my eyes and played the first few opening chords to one of my songs. I looked around the crowd as I done so, scanning facial expressions. There were some of boredom, some of surprise, and some of utmost joy. I never let any negativity get to me and instead made it my mission for the people who clearly were either bribed to be here or they were taking a family member to somewhat enjoy the show. After three songs, I spoke to the crowd for a little while, attempting to make a few jokes as well despite being told numerous times that I should give up. Thanks to Chris' analogies, I was as comical as a pissed off bear- in other words, when I tried to be funny, I wasn't.

I was roughly half-way through the concert when I had the sudden urge to look to the right at the VIP boxes. I don't know why that was but I did it anyway. I had to strain a little to see because it was difficult to do so thanks to the numerous lights flashing from and on the stage. The crowd over there slowly came into focus and when it did, my breath completely hitched in my throat and I could feel my throat constricting. I just seemed to freeze and now my heart was beating fast out of one emotion only- fear. How could he be here? How did that monster find me?

I realised now that there was almost no noise at all and this meant I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. I spotted a few confused looks in the crowd and I felt someone's hand rest softly on my shoulder to knock me back to my senses. Instead, this didn't happen. I fell to the ground and curled in on myself, the silence beginning to get deafening and terrifying. His eyes were still burning holes into me, a slight smirk on his twisted self to show he was enjoying the hold he still had on me twelve years later. I pressed the palms of my hands to my ears and pressed down hard as an ear-piercing cry came from me.

I jerked awake at this with my throat red-raw. I looked around to see that I was still in my hotel room and I was alone. I was still shaking a lot and I carefully pressed my hand to my forehead to push back some of the loose curls that had fell onto my forehead. I grimaced in disgust when my fingers met the sweaty mess that I currently was. I tried to speak and I sighed in relief that I could still do that. It would not be good for me to not be able to sing at tomorrow's concert because I refuse to lip-sync. People paid to see me perform, not just to walk around the stage and mime along to a few songs.

It was now that I looked at the time and I realised with a start that I needed to be at the tour bus in two hours so that we could travel to the next destination of my tour. With that, I dragged myself out of bed and went in the shower, allowing the warm water to erase all traces of my nightmare. I was confused though because I've never had a nightmare that didn't consist of what happened and instead of what could happen. I wasn't free from that monster forever. In fact, he had been bailed out in some way and he was as of now, walking the streets as a free person. Would he come and find me? It was a huge fear that I'd always had but had never actually elaborated in detail on. Those who know though aren't stupid, they know me far too well as a person.

It was different to wake up and not have tears falling down my face from a nightmare. Whether this was because it was decidedly different than every other one that I've had (or, to my knowledge anyway). I tried my best not to overthink into it and searched for something to distract myself of such thoughts. I eyed my notepad and I quirked my eyebrow up a little bit. For the last month or so I'd had serious writer's block which was extremely annoying considering I was supposed to be working on my next album. At least I didn't need to worry too much over that considering I've probably written over one thousand songs by now so there were more than enough back-ups.

Once again, I looked at the time and my eyes widened at seeing I had been in the shower for forty minutes. How long was I lost in my own thoughts for? Realising that I had to get dressed now, make sure I had everything packed, and check myself out- I ran around the large room I was in. I ended up just pulling on some dark grey tracksuit bottoms and a plain white t-shirt. There wasn't a point in me dressing like I normally would considering I was going to be sitting in a tour bus for nineteen hours. It felt weird knowing that I only had two more shows left.

When I had left London in the crying mess that I had been at having to leave behind Louis, I thought it would feel like forever. Eight weeks wasn't a long time but due to my unpredictable mental state it was always a bit of a danger for me to be gone for long amounts of time without people who really know everything. The past eight weeks had gone by so quickly but at the same time it had seemed to drag. I was excited to go home to Louis and having the entire month of December off along with the first two weeks of January apart from a couple of writing and recording sessions.

Although I was not looking forward to the terrible weather. My boyfriend had made it clear that the entirety of southern England was expected to get a minimum of seventeen inches of snow over the festive period and was also expected to fall into the negative degrees. I looked up from what I had been doing when I heard a knock on the door, Chris soon walking inside asking if I was all packed. Once I nodded, I double-checked to make sure that I did in fact have everything with me. He took two suitcases whilst I took the other two along with carrying my main guitar on my back. I kept the rest on the bus for convenience purposes.

Soon, we were both in the car that would take us to the arena where the bus was. I knew I would need to get some sleep on the journey because I'd only gotten four hours last night and I had a meet-and-greet an hour after we arrived at our destination. I was quite glad that my last shows were scheduled to be in Los Angeles considering I had a base there. It would be nice to spend the week in my own house there and to sleep in my own bed. It is exciting getting to travel the world and visit so many places but there really is no nicer place than your own bed.

We arrived at the arena with ten minutes to spare and there was a small crowd of fans there- maybe thirty. Quite a few people would consider that a large crowd but I was used to much, much larger so it wasn't anything to me. I stopped for a few pictures and to sign a few autographs. At least they understood that I didn't have much time but they were glad that I had put their happiness before my rush. I've met plenty of people who are also singers or they are in bands who couldn't give a single shit for their fans. Without their fans, they would not be where they were.

Just as I was about to jump into the bus, a voice echoed. It was slightly out of breath which told me that whoever it was had ran here. I froze directly on the spot because I recognised it. Who did that belong to? I couldn't seem to put a name or face to whom it belonged to except that their accent was obviously English. I turned around and scanned the crowd and I spotted a scuffle happening. Two security guards were wrestling a blonde female away who was putting up a massive fight. I was about to step in and help break it up when that voice hit my ears again;

"Chocco!"

Once again, I froze on the spot but for a whole other reason this time. I had not been called that in a long time, and there only was one person who ever called me that. But she was dead, how did this person know it? At some point, I must have yelled for the security guards to let whoever it was go. The second that they did, the lump in my throat appeared again. A few confused looks were being directed between the two of us but I wasn't paying attention to either of them. I didn't even have any time to react before the mystery blonde's arms were wrapped tightly around my neck, her head immediately burying underneath my neck.

I was confused by these actions but I was even more confused with the familiarity I was feeling. A few seconds passed and I pulled back to look her in the face. I've been shocked before multiple times, but this shock immediately blew any other times out of the water. Her face had not changed in the slightest, still holding very similar features to my own, just with a less prominent jawline. Dimples indenting deep into her cheeks, dark pink lips, hazel-coloured eyes. Tears pooled in my eyes but not in a bad way, these were tears of joy and confusion. How was she here? She was supposed to be dead!

"Gem, is it really you?"

She was crying just as much as I was, possibly even more to be honest. After a few seconds, she nodded in confirmation and soon it was me who had her wrapped in an extremely tight embrace. Everybody surrounding us seemed to just disappear from my vision and the only thing that I could see was blonde hair. When had she done that? She'd always loved her dark brown hair. I was still a bit wary just in case it was someone who had found out the truth about my life and was impersonating her. So, I hastily pulled her hair over her shoulder to see the back of her neck, a small birthmark in the shape of a heart was there. It was her.

I jumped in fright when I felt a large hand rest on my shoulder and everything came into focus for me once again. The fans that were surrounded were giving her either looks of confusion or looks of disgust that I was giving her more attention than I was them. This made me roll my eyes and I looked around my shoulder to see Chris who was not so subtly tapping his wrist to tell me we had to leave right now. I knew that I couldn't leave her, not when we'd just gotten each other back. So, despite the protests from onlookers, I helped her onto the bus and gave Chris a look.

Luckily, he understood what it was I was silently saying as I guided her through to the back of the bus where the beds were. We needed privacy, and a lot of it to figure out how something like this could have happened. How does someone fuck up so badly and think that someone is dead when they aren't? Where had she been for the past five years? Was she in a relationship? Did she have her own place? Did she have kids? I doubted it because she'd always said that she wanted to wait until she was at least twenty-five before anything like that.

"How?"

That was all I asked her. It was a vague question but it was the only word I could seem to get out of my mouth. It was only a single word, but sometimes that is all that is needed to ask multiple questions at the same time. She seemed to be thinking similarly to me because she reached over the space between us to grab my hands which were sweating a little bit.

"Well, obviously, you know about the crash."

At this I nodded and screwed my eyes shut for a few seconds, trying my best to not think about mum or Robin for that matter. She took a deep breath and continued in her explanation as to how this happened.

"They died instantly, but I was still alive. Completely aware of everything going on around me and I was in so much pain. I can't even describe what it was like. It was me who called an ambulance but before it arrived, I passed out from blood loss. Or so I've been told anyway. At some point, I did die, and they managed to bring me back. I was taken straight to the hospital and I was put into intensive care where I proceeded to flatline a few more times. Eventually, I was put into an induced coma for a few weeks. When I woke up, I was asking for you but nobody could find you Harry. It was like you'd just vanished."

I realised now that I had tears falling from my eyes, my cheeks warm with them. I sniffed slightly and wiped some of the residue away on the back of my hand.

"I tried to find you but there were no records of you and nobody had seen or heard from you. I kind of guessed that you'd ran when you'd heard but a part of me also feared that you may have- "

She didn't even need to continue in what it was that she was saying, she thought I might have killed myself.

"I tried not to think like that and because I was eighteen, I couldn't go into foster care. I was given the option to move back in with 'family' but I refused. So, I was put into council housing and I got myself a job once I'd been released. I done this for a year before I decided that I wanted to do something more in my life. So, with the money that mum put in our trust funds, I went to university to get a degree. I graduated last year. I went back to work for a few months before deciding that it wasn't for me. A friend got me a start as a writer and editor for a newspaper. That's what I've been doing.

"I never stopped in my search for you, though. You know what I'm like, I don't normally listen to music in the charts so I didn't know that you were doing this. I heard your name in passing one day and I decided to search for you on the internet. There I found you and I also found out you were touring the states. So, with some saved up money, I bought myself a plane ticket, booked myself a hotel and came to find you. I was at your show a few nights ago, here, but I was near the back so you couldn't see me. I'm so, so proud of you Chocco."

By now, the tears had stopped falling. A part of my mind kept telling me that this was just an incredible dream that I was going to wake up from. It certainly seemed like that. Why was I told by police officers that she had died in the crash with our parents? Had it just been a massive mistake or had I been told when she had flatlined? Just knowing that had happened made my stomach seemingly drop. Before today it didn't bother me as much as Marcel's death considering they had 'supposedly' died instantly.

I now knew that that was a complete lie. Gemma had suffered and her body couldn't handle it a few times and just shut down. She'd literally died and been brought back, and numerous times at that. I was still holding her palms extremely tightly, almost scared to let her go like she would just disappear into thin air. This was defying all logic for me right now and I'm sure that if someone walked in who knew the entire picture they would also be thinking the same as I was. Now, I glanced at the window to see that we were moving and this snapped me somewhat back. I grabbed my phone and called Preston who was coming out in a couple of more days to go into her hotel and grab her things for her.

Since I wasn't sure how long it was that we had been driving for, I checked the time and my eyes bulged at seeing it had only been half an hour. Normally whenever it seemed like no time at all had passed when a lot had but this time it had felt like a very long time had passed in a matter of minutes.

"Anyway, enough about me, how did you get well- here?"

She moved her arms weirdly which caused a smile and a short laugh to escape my mouth. I carefully thought over what it was that I wanted to say. It would be difficult to think about these things but for some reason it really wasn't. Maybe this was because it was Gemma and not a stranger.

"Well, when you guys left I waited up. When you didn't come home I just assumed that you might have booked a hotel in Brighton for the night."

I stopped what I was saying to see her nodding as if she were accepting my assumption. At the time, it seemed logical but now I know that if that did happen, they would have called me to let me know.

"So, I went to sleep. When I woke up, you guys still weren't home and it was around about noon that two police officers showed up at the door to tell me that you'd all died instantly."

As I said this, her face immediately contorted into one of horror and shame. She had obviously thought that I'd been told that she was in hospital and I just couldn't face her in that much of a physical state.

"With that, I packed up the clothes I wore most, a couple of pairs of shoes, my notepads, and my guitar. At first I went to the nearest council building to see if I could get accommodation there but they ignored me, then I went to a couple of hostels where I was once again turned down. I had two options and that was to either jump on a train back up to Cheshire or to remain on the streets. I couldn't go back there though, I knew my already fragile state would worsen if I did. I walked around London looking for shelter that was nearby where a lot of people shopped because I would be more likely to survive in that way.

"This went on for a few months and I was slowly losing more weight. I busked often but there either wasn't much interest in me or people just didn't want to give anything to a homeless fifteen-year-old. Then I started to notice a boy who busked nearby the area that I slept in. He came by almost every day and never once did he change his position, always the same spot. He started to gain recognition and he started to buy me food, keep me company. Occasionally even get a thick blanket so I could remain warm. This went on for about three more months and during that time we developed a strong bond with each other.

"Eventually, he'd had enough. In his words, it was disgusting that I was being ignored for somewhere to live and people kept ignoring me. So, he called his dad, told him he was bringing a friend home for a few days. His dad obviously didn't expect for me to be homeless so when he saw me, he was shocked to put it lightly. He asked me why I wasn't in accommodation or why I hadn't gone to a friend's or a family member. I told him the summarised version of what happened and it must have struck a chord within him because soon he was calling up adoption agencies so he and his house could be examined. See if they were deemed fit for a quick adoption.

"Well, they were. Within a matter of days, I had somewhere to live and a new 'family'. It took me a while to break out of my shell around them but I realised that they of all people deserved to know what had really happened to me. So, I told them. Luckily, they accepted me and didn't treat me any differently than they did previously. I still wrote a lot and played guitar often, usually in my room. Niall- the guy who brought me back to his place- would join me quite a lot. Whether it was coincidence or sheer luck, his dad is good friends with Simon Cowell and he would come over quite a lot. He heard me singing a lot and without me knowing he considered signing me. After about another month he pulled me aside and told me about his proposition. A few days later I called back and the week after I signed my deal and well- "

I moved my arm around to show her exactly what it was that I meant. Gemma's eyes were watering slightly out of what I assumed to be relief that I was alive and hadn't died like she'd initially thought. A few moments of silence followed but eventually she leaned over and pulled me into a tight hug. I won't lie, it winded me but I couldn't care less. I'd gotten my sister back after five years had passed of me thinking that she was dead.

"How long are you out here for then?"

She seemed to think it over for a few seconds before replying;

"Four days I think. My flight leaves on Saturday morning. How much longer do you have left until your tour finishes? Where are we going now?"

I nodded at this. At least I would have plenty of time to spend with her in only a matter of days. After all, there is five years between us to catch up on.

"I've got two more shows that will both be finished in a week before I've got the entirety of December and the first two weeks of January off. Now, we're going to Los Angeles which is where my last two shows are."

At hearing the name of the city, her eyes widened. It had always been a dream of hers to go there and walk along the beaches, climb the Hollywood Hills. She was going to do just that and I was glad that I had two days to do all the touristy things with her apart from a couple of interviews.

"I've not got a hotel booked- "

At this, I laughed loudly which confused her.

"No need to do that Gemma, you can stay with me. I've got a house there since I'm based here often. I'm going to be busy when we get there since I've got a meet and greet followed by a show but you're welcome to come along. The other two full days that you are here we are going to be the typical tourists and catch up big time."

A large smile broke out on her face at hearing this. Since we still had seventeen hours left to the drive there, I curled up into one of the beds. I expected her to take another but instead she promptly squeezed herself in beside me so that I could spoon her from behind. For the first time in the past eight weeks, I genuinely felt like I was at home and I could get better.


	9. Eight.

I was confused when I woke up at first. A strong scent of blueberry hitting my nose which was not coming from me and the slight scratch of hair hitting my nose. I wrinkled it a little to stop myself from sneezing, then slowly opened my eyes. It was probably a good thing that the interior of the bus was rather dark because it didn't take me long at all to adjust. I still couldn't see well considering I hadn't put in my contacts and my glasses were elsewhere, but I spotted blonde hair. With that, my eyes widened before everything came rushing back to me. The scent made sense now as I remembered that blueberry was one of her favourite scents as we were growing up.

I had woken up in the exact same position that we had fallen asleep in and I realised now just how uncomfortable it was. My back was aching slightly from being curled around her from behind and my legs hurt from being cramped inside these small beds. I really should consider getting a tour bus that had larger beds in it to stop the cramps forming in my body every single morning. She was still sound asleep if her soft snores were anything to go by which made me smile deeply. For a few minutes, I sat and played with her hair and letting my fingers trail gently over her cheek. Of course, I didn't apply enough pressure for her to notice because I didn't want to wake her up.

With this thought in mind, I carefully sat up and somehow managed to manoeuvre myself around her still body. The first thing I did was walk into the small bathroom that was here and grabbed my contacts. I was so used to wearing them now that I'd succeeded in sliding them into my eyes in about a minute. I blinked a few times so that my sight came into focus, taking in the state that my hair currently was. I frowned a bit and just grabbed something to tie it up out of my face for a while. We were still driving and I knew that I needed to check the time so that I had a rough idea of where we were at this moment.

I walked back out, not caring at all that I was still wearing the exact same clothes I was yesterday. My eyes trailed over to my sister again for a moment and a large smile erupted on my face. This still seemed like it was a dream but I knew this wasn't the case. Just to make sure though, I quickly pinched my arm which was probably extremely cliché but it was enough to tell me that this was reality just now. I brushed a strand of her long blonde hair away from her face before deciding to go to the front of the bus where Chris would be waiting- I hadn't seen him in any of the beds. I knew that I had to tell him something regarding my past.

I stopped in my tracks as I thought about this. I'd thought of my past numerous times and each with not so good repercussions. This was the first time in a long time that I hadn't felt any resistance to speak about it. Maybe I was getting better. Perhaps it was that I was gaining more control over myself, perhaps it was Lisa, or perhaps it was having Gemma back in my life. Maybe it was a mix of everything. This gave me a small glimmer of hope, it was barely there, but it was. Could I ever beat this? Just because it isn't likely doesn't mean that it cannot happen, I of all people should know that considering what I do for a living.

At first, I couldn't see him but after a few moments I spotted him near the front where the driver was. He turned around at hearing my footsteps and he came back over to sit down on the couch. I could already feel his eyes on me, patiently waiting on me to tell him who the blonde woman was that was still asleep. It felt weird calling her a woman but she was not a girl anymore. She was now twenty-three. In fact, her birthday was in only a couple of weeks. If she hadn't changed much like I had assumed from a quick analysis over her body language, she wouldn't want anything other than to eat and watch movies all day. It was something I admired about her. She did have a social life but she also liked to just lock herself away to be in peace.

"So, what was all of that about yesterday? Management called this morning demanding some sort of explanation as to who the mystery blonde is."

As those words left his mouth, my eyes immediately rolled in annoyance. Of course, my management had to know every little thing about me. Well, they didn't know much at all. I'm a much better liar and actor than I'm given credit for. Then again, it could simply be that I've been hiding it for so long that it feels weird to not hide it. I twiddled my thumbs around each other a few times, taking a few deep breaths to keep as calm as possible. Despite feeling relatively ok with explaining a part of things with Chris, I was still unpredictable. Whilst doing so, I carefully thought over my words so that I wouldn't give too much away. I wasn't too sure if I was ready to tell him everything just now even though I have known him for three years and I would happily trust him with my life if it came down to that. He began whistling impatiently and I gave him a very irritated look.

"She's my sister."

The words left my mouth rather quietly and looked down to my hands, proceeding to tangle my fingers into one another again. It was a weird habit and a lot of people asked me about it but it helped me keep somewhat sane. I know it was irrational but I've always tended to do a lot of things to keep myself occupied. He didn't say anything for a few moments and I knew that he was giving me a strange look, silently asking me to tell him this- to let him in. I think he's always known that I've kept a massive part of my life away from him but he didn't want to push me in case he kick-started something that couldn't be reversed.

"I thought you only had a brother."

"A lot of people think that, only perhaps twenty know everything."

It sounded rather harsh and I know that if someone else were listening in on our conversation, they would think that I was being nasty. I wasn't, I just really struggle to let people in. After all, it took me almost a year before I told Louis and I only told him because I was willing to show him the real me to save our relationship. He could have very easily run away from me then but instead he had accepted me as the person I was and why I was really the way that I was. Not many people are like that. I've met people who have made the mistake of trusting the wrong people and pieces of their lives get thrown out there. I'm not ready for the world to know the whole picture yet and I know that I probably won't be for quite a while.

"I don't know if I'm ready to tell you, Chris."

I closed my eyes a little and leaned forward so that my elbows were rested on my knees, breathing deeply to remain collected. I know that it was probably a massive blow that I didn't want to speak up on it to him considering how close our relationship is. Chris isn't just one of my bodyguards, he's an incredible friend. All I do know is that if I didn't have him things would be drastically different. He's seen me at some low points. Heck, he's seen me have numerous panic attacks and he's never once thought me as indifferent to him.

"You don't need to, but just know I won't walk away from you. But think about it, are you perhaps convincing yourself that you don't want people to know because you're scared?"

I froze slightly on the spot as his words seeped into me. To be honest, I think he was correct with his observation. I do want people to know everything, not a lot of people but some. Especially now with all the drama between myself and Niall currently. I needed someone else who knew me as the person I really was to know it all. I'd tried to call him on multiple occasions but he either had his phone turned off or he always rejected the calls. Each time he did so was like a knife to my heart. I just wanted to know why he had kissed me in the first place. There were too many theories as to why he had done so in the first place and I hated not knowing the truth behind everything. I'd even resorted to speaking to Bobby and Greg over it.

Was he just ignoring me or was he feeling too disgusted with himself over what he done causing him to alienate himself from me? If he was secretly fighting off an attraction to the opposite sex, I can totally understand. Accepting oneself is a terrifying concept and it is even more difficult to tell people. It could have just been him being an affectionate drunk because I've seen him like that a few times. Well, not even a few times. Almost every time we went to get drinks he was kissing someone. I'd even witnessed him mid-sex with another intoxicated female when I went to go find him once. It was a sight I'd never quite managed to shift from my mind, it was rather disturbing for me.

"I- I think you're right Chris. I'm just so scared about letting people in and I've got major issues with trust. I almost destroyed my relationship with Louis over not being able to tell him when he asked me about it."

Now this was news to him. Of course, he knew that we'd broken up before and reconciled not long after, but I'd never told him why. It was enough for him to finally realise just how serious this was. Personal issues are always difficult to talk about, business issues are extremely simple to speak on in comparison. Since not everyone has had such a chaos filled childhood- they will never know just how bad things got. Deep down, I know that I can trust Chris with this and he'll not turn it against me nor will he treat me any different as to how he does now. This was who I am now, not who I was. They are so drastically different from one another.

Five years ago, I refused to make friends, barely left my bedroom never mind the house, developed a mild addiction to self-harm, ate just enough to stay alive, having panic attacks and depressive episodes in secret. Now though, it's the complete opposite. I now have a lot of friends and some who know absolutely everything, I go crazy if I remain in the same room for a specific amount of time, I haven't taken anything sharp to my skin in almost two years, I no longer hide the fact that I am depressed and I do have panic attacks. It was only now that it really struck me that even though I wasn't trying anything, I was getting better. Had I really been improving without meaning to do so?

After all, I had realised earlier that thinking of my past didn't hurt as much as it has done previously. I know I still have a very long road ahead of me to recovery (that is, if I ever do recover). Was I only attempting to convince myself that Chris didn't need to know? Most likely, my subconscious answered the unspoken question in quick succession. I noticed my phone nearby and I grabbed it to check the time, seeing that I'd been asleep for ten hours which meant that we had over eight hours left to the journey. For some odd reason, I was a bit annoyed by the very long journey that was left.

"I don't want to talk about it all, but I promise to answer some questions. I'll tell you one day, Chris, and that day will be soon. Not now though."

Despite it coming out rather harsh, I think my soft tone reassured him that he wasn't angering me by attempting to break through one of my many walls that I've built up. A lot of people tell me to not do this but for me it was a natural reaction, and anything that is natural to a person is extremely difficult to stop doing. I could also tell that he seemed to be at war with himself. He wanted to know everything that I'd just hinted at him but he once again, does not want to push me. For me, patience is a massive virtue and a lot of people do not respect that. After a few moments, he nodded a little bit which told me he was accepting my current proposition.

"Ok, start with your sister. Why have I never heard of a sister before now?"

I closed my eyes and looked down to my clasped hands again. I noticed he had lowered his voice just slightly as if he was scared that she would hear. I knew that would never happen because she's always been a heavy sleeper. Even one time when there were numerous gunshots in the neighbourhood in London that we lived in- she still didn't wake up. In fact, she had woken up the next day asking why there was dozens of police officers walking around. I bit my lip a little as well as I carefully thought over what to say. How do I sugar coat all the shit that happened to us? Maybe I could just do what I had done with Louis, telling him the half-truth because then I wouldn't be lying. After a few quiet moments, I concluded that this was probably the best move for me at this moment in time. I gulped loudly before beginning;

"I suppose we never really had a proper family upbringing. My biological father was an alcoholic, he had severe anger issues, and after however many years my mum finally had enough of it. Something did happen that caused her to open her eyes and it was something that Gemma witnessed- that's her name by the way. They got divorced and he ended up going to prison, and my mum took out a massive loan and moved us to London. It was in one of the bad areas but we didn't care, there wasn't a lot of drama going on.

"Before Marcel died, we'd been extremely close. Of course, my brother and I were closer due to us being twins and going through a lot of things that I'm not ready to talk about. To cope with everything, I wrote a lot and started singing. My siblings instead submerged themselves into their education. Then when Marcel passed on, I guess I snapped. She tried all that she could to get me to open to her but I just couldn't do it. It even got to the point that they had to physically drag me to a hospital kicking and screaming so that I could be force fed.

"After this, I wouldn't even leave the house except for going to school. Every single moment that wasn't the case I was locked up in my bedroom. A few months passed and I was finally I guess, coming to terms with what had happened and I started to slowly let Gemma in again along with my mum. Then Gemma got her exam results and she'd aced everything, and she got an award for it. My mum had remarried by this point but I still couldn't leave the house. She was supposed to be getting the award in Brighton so they left me in the house, they knew I would have refused to go anyway.

"But the next morning, they weren't home. I had a really unsettling feeling in my stomach and this was proven to be correct when police officers came to the door, told me that there had been a crash caused by a drunk driver and that they had all supposedly died. There was even a funeral and everything. You already know that most my family disowned me because I'm gay and I didn't have any friends so I was left homeless and that was when Niall found me. I'll tell you about that another day.

"I didn't tell anybody about Gemma, I don't like speaking about what happened. I never spoke about her because of the same reasons that nobody knew about Marcel. Then yesterday happened- or today- I don't even know what time it is. I recognised her immediately despite her now being blonde- she's naturally a similar colour to me. She'd used my old nickname as well which was only more proof that it was her. When she ran up and hugged me, I checked the back of her neck. Her and Marcel had almost identical birthmarks- it looks like a heart. The birthmark was the only way that you could tell Marcel and I apart because I don't have it.

"She told me everything. She had died but they'd managed to resuscitate her, and she was taken to hospital. She flatlined a few more times once there and she was put into intensive care, and eventually being put into an induced coma. Once she'd woken up, she'd tried to find me but couldn't because I was homeless- there was no records of me anywhere."

I paused for a few seconds and took a deep breath, not even daring to look at Chris as I told him all of this. Spilled a part of my life to him that I'd never touched upon before.

"She got a job but didn't stop in her search for me and that is what she done for a year. Then decided that it wasn't for her and she went to uni, got herself a degree. She's a writer now and only does small things but it's apparently enough for her to survive on and that is all that matters to me. Then one day she heard my name in passing and googled me, found out that I was a singer and I was going to be touring. She'd never really listened to current music so that was how she'd never heard of me previously. When she did though, she got herself a plane ticket and one to a show and came to find me. That was why she was so hysterical and excited to see me again. Also, it is why I was so stunned when I saw her."

As I finished off with this, I finally turned my head to look him in the face. I carefully analysed his expression for any disbelief that might be coating his features but I couldn't find any. The only one I saw was more one of sympathy which he quickly covered. That is one of the things I love about Chris, that he knows I hate being given sympathy because that doesn't cut it. A sad look can never solve something nor can it make a person feel better in any way. He didn't say any words and it ebbed away at my nerves just a little bit, but after a couple of minutes of silence, he pulled me into a very tight hug, rubbing my back a little bit.

"Thanks for waking me up, you prick!"

Her voice echoed from the room adjoining and just like that I was breaking down into hysterical laughter. Chris gave me a strange look at this but I spotted a small smile playing on the corners of his lips, telling me that he was also trying not to laugh. A moment later, Gemma stormed into the room and when I looked at her face an even louder round of laughs escaped me. Her eye makeup had all melted throughout her sleep and now her cheeks were jet-black and multiple other colours. This seemed to be the deal breaker for Chris. I knew that she wasn't angry with me, it was more of a sarcastic statement from her.

When I glanced at her again, I spotted that her eyes were getting glassy and a slightly shocked look covered her face. I frowned a bit at this, why was she upset? I was contradicted very soon after however when she ran over and proceeded to jump on top of me, and I let out a loud huff as she winded me. I rolled over so that she was underneath me and began tickling her ribs, it was always her most ticklish spot. Within seconds she was laughing like a maniac and trying to wriggle out from underneath me but I was stronger than her.

"It's amazing to hear you laugh again, I never thought I would hear it another time."

This caused me to stop as the reason for her being seemingly upset hit me like a tonne of bricks falling. She wasn't upset, she was trying not to cry out of sheer happiness. She was correct, the last time I had genuinely laughed like I was right now around her was before Marcel had died. That had been almost seven years ago, now. Gosh, that was really a long time. It still felt like it had only been days ago, that everything had happened. Time does heal some wounds, but not all. Sometimes all that is needed to really take a step towards recovery is to have someone who understood from personal experience.

Now I have that, and it raised the tiny flicker of hope I had within me.


	10. Nine.

For some weird reason that I couldn't come to any kind of solid conclusion on, I had felt little to no relief at telling Chris everything. Well, the basics of everything anyway. The other times I had told people that I trusted wholeheartedly, I had been overcome with a tsunami of emotions almost immediately after but this time I hadn't. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, I genuinely did not know. On top of that, there probably was something seemingly blocking me from feeling elated at succeeding in letting another person into my life like this.

The only response I could come up with that was at least somewhat logical was that I had only brushed over the most horrific parts that had led to me becoming the way that I was. Somehow though, I knew this wasn't the case. It was almost as if my brain and body refused to let me feel any good emotions and I knew this wasn't a good thing. Especially since I have a meet-and-greet in just over an hour. At least I had managed to get some very much needed sleep earlier. Even though I was still occasionally yawning but that could simply just be because we were travelling.

Not long after Gemma had made her announcement known, we had abruptly cut off all conversation. I spotted Chris still giving her odd looks almost as if he didn't trust her but I knew that he saw me like family in some weird way. He can deny it all that he wanted but I wasn't stupid, nor was anybody else who worked within this bubble that revolved mostly around me. I don't like thinking of myself as different but I know that I am. It makes me feel like I'm something special and that I was better than anyone else but I wasn't.

The rest of our journey had been clouded in silence- most it anyway. It was awkward but at the same time neither of us seemed to have anything that needed to be said. After an hour or so of this it had become unbearable for me and I had left to go to the back of the bus once more, leaving Gemma and Chris up the front. I grabbed my phone and quickly scanned through some of my social media but there wasn't much interesting apart from people speculating who the mystery blonde woman was that I had taken onto my tour bus with me yesterday.

This made me freeze momentarily because I had never spoken about having a sister, people only knew about Marcel. How would I tell people what had happened? I knew that at some point I would eventually need to come clean over everything which I know will cause a ridiculous amount of controversy, but now I couldn't do that. Not when so few people I trust know about it. When I do come clean over everything though, I know I will probably reach a whole other audience. However, I had some anxiety ebbing away in the deepest parts of my mind.

Would people in my biological family make it out that I was lying? After all, multiple consistent statements are more trustworthy than a couple. It would only be Gemma and I who had seen it all happen. On top of that, there would just be the regular amount of hate coming in which would cause more publicity for me which would inevitably mean that I would be even more alienated from society than I already was. That is something I don't want to be, I just want people to see me as the person I am and not this untouchable person that a lot of people consider celebrity.

It's just a word, and a lot of people don't understand this. I am human after all, just like everyone else. I have bad days and I have good days. I do get angry over stupid things. There are times that I will just stay in bed all day and eat junk food whilst watching stupid videos online. I don't mind attention from fans or people coming up to ask for pictures or autographs, but I hate it when people quite literally stalk me around wherever I was. On top of that, I absolutely hate being away from people I care deeply for.

There's only a few more days left until I go back home. I was extremely excited to do so considering I had a few weeks off which I haven't had since I had fallen under for a while at the end of last year. This made me stop and my eyes widened almost immediately. How could I have forgotten? Today marked exactly one year since my attempt to kill myself. A year is such a long time but it had truthfully felt like it was only a matter of days ago. With this thought in mind, I checked the time to see that it would be early morning back home and called Louis.

It had taken him a few moments to answer but when he had I heard commotion around him and I knew he was probably in a lecture or something similar. That was another thing I hated about this lifestyle, never having consistent time lapses. Whenever I was working he usually tried to call me, and when I tried calling him he was usually in a class. It had been a very quick and rushed conversation but this didn't dishearten me in the slightest considering I know what it is like for him because I am also in a very similar situation.

When I hung up, I shut my eyes and sighed deeply. I felt my eyes trail down to my arms and I carefully rolled my right sleeve up to look at all the old scars. Most of them were so pale that they blended into my skin colour and the most recent one was dented slightly. I'd been clean for nine months for my self-harming addiction. A lot of people don't consider it to be an addiction but it really was. Physical pain was such a bad distraction from anything mental for a lot of people.

Because of this, it happened more and more until our brains were wired to relish the feeling of metal or glass sliding through the layers of skin and letting deep red blood drip down our skin.

I'd been thinking about it a lot more recently than I had in the months that I had completely stopped but not once had I caved. The first month was the most difficult as there was a small voice in the back of my head that screamed for the pain to take over. After this, it had faded into a regular voice before disappearing almost completely. Occasionally there was a whisper begging for it but I wasn't going to give up, not now. Especially now that I had Gemma back. I know that I had no involvement concerning the crash but I always tended to blame things on myself. It wasn't exactly ideal when my state of mind came into the equation but it was a habit I had never managed to break.

If it weren't for me, my biological father might not have been so violent towards my brother and me. If it weren't for me, my mum and sister wouldn't have witnessed me get fucking raped. If it wasn't for me being honest over everything, no charges would have been made. If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have needed to move hundreds of miles away from home. If it weren't for me being gay, I would still have a supportive family. If it weren't for me putting things off, I could have saved Marcel's life.

I cut off my train of thought here and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath to calm down my racing heart. I could feel my hand beginning to itch to write something down. With this thought in mind, I got up off the bed I was sitting on in search of my notepad I used solely for song writing. It had been a while since I had the urge to write and I smiled at this, I hated not being able to do so. After a minute or so I did and I grabbed a pen as well before edging myself into the very back of the bed, essentially hiding myself from view.

The second the tip of the pen touched the paper, my sight seemed to go blank. It was difficult to explain this to other people but whenever I got the urge to write, everything else around me just seemed to disappear like it had never existed in the first place. I usually tended to do this, black out when I was writing whatever it was that I was feeling. Nobody could ever snap me out of it either which thankfully people understand perfectly fine. Occasionally these blank spots as I call them could last anywhere between ten minutes to a few hours. Each time it was different.

Time just didn't seem to exist, almost as if somebody had taken a device of some kind that stopped the Earth from moving. Everyone still doing their daily errands, yet nothing seeming to change around me. My hand began aching badly and soon my sight came back into focus. The black and red interior of the tour bus back in my normal line of vision. Once this had happened, I threw the pen away and grabbed my phone to check what time it was. An hour that one had lasted for. That didn't surprise me much especially considering it had been months since I'd had one of my blank spots.

I took a deep breath and I realised now that my heart was beating rapidly inside of my ribcage, almost like it was desperate to tear its way out of my skin. I closed my eyes for a few moments until I had calmed down enough to scan over what it was that I had written. A small smile worked its way onto my lips once I had done so but my head snapped up at hearing footsteps nearing me. I froze directly on the spot but my resistance soon disappeared as I noticed Gemma come closer to me. Suddenly, I felt bad about leaving her with Chris on her own considering neither of them knew each other.

"Still not broke that habit?"

It had come out rather harsh- or a lot of people would think so anyway. However, I knew her well and I could hear the slight underlying teasing tone she had used. Soon, she plopped herself down onto the bed and scooted back so that she was sitting right next to me, wasting no time whatsoever in wrapping her right arm around my shoulders to pull me into a side-way hug. It really is insane how something as simple as a hug can make a person feel infinitely times better. I noticed her eyes were trailing down to the notepad I held in my hands.

With this, I turned to her and gave her a welcoming smile. I thought over what I was going to do for a few moments although I don't know why because I was going to do it anyway. I took hold of her free hand and handed her the notepad over. It was such a tiny gesture that probably didn't seem significant at all but to the two of us it really did. Her eyes widened and she looked at me with a slightly worried expression. I suddenly remembered that the last time she had seen me I was in a bad state mentally and I let nobody see what it was I was writing. In fact, the only person I had shown before meeting Niall had been my brother.

"Gem, I want you to have this. Don't question it."

Her eyes slowly began to get glossy but I knew why this was the case. To her I was finally letting her in after so many years. We'd always been close but there was always some kind of barrier that separated us from having a regular sibling bond. Now though, I was ready to put all of this behind me and to finally move on in my life with her. I might have only gotten her back yesterday but immense levels of love were already rushing through my body, warming me directly to the core.

Over time, I had experienced a lot of different types of love. One was in a family way from Niall and his immediate family. Another had been acceptance from Simon for not pushing me at my weakest spots. A third was feeling love from my fans supporting me through a lot of tough times. And of course, I had experienced love in a relationship way from Louis. As cheesy as it sounds, even his voice calmed me down massively. There were still occasionally times where I wondered why he still wanted to be with me after everything that has happened between us, but every time he reassured me that he wasn't just going to up and leave me.

"How long have we got left to- "

A door opening cut her off, and soon a deep but very kind voice broke through the silence;

"We'll be there in about thirty minutes, so get ready kid."

I frowned a little at what he had always called me despite it being playful. Gemma laughed a little beside me before squeezing her way out of the tiny space we were both inside. I followed soon after a bit more graciously considering I was used to these beds. I quickly jumped into the mobile shower we had before changing into more presentable clothes. I hadn't even changed since yesterday so I was a bit sweaty and probably stank.

Once I stepped out I realised that my sister must have gone up to the front of the bus once again. I ran my fingers through my hair a few times to mess it up a little bit before running out to meet them. She was sitting on the couch and Chris was on the opposite side of the opened space, still giving her a wary look. At least he had very good reason to be doing so, he didn't even know I had a sister until early this morning. Or was it last night? I don't even know. It's difficult keeping track over something as measly as time in an industry this fast-paced.

"So, what are we doing with- "

He stopped what he was saying to look at my sister, silently asking for her name once again. this caused me to laugh a little bit because if there was one thing that Chris sucked at, it was remembering names. It's just funny because he's so organised usually. I quirked my eyebrow up quizzically, asking him what it was he was getting at.

"Well, she can't be in the meet-and-greet, so are we just dropping her off at your place to meet later or do you want her to hang around backstage with everyone whilst you do your job?"

I glared at the teasing tone in his voice. It was always an ongoing joke between us considering I was the opposite of him. I was probably a massive nightmare for people to work with considering I get distracted very easily. On top of that I tend to want to do what I want to do and not what I was told to do. People might call me a diva but I really wasn't, I just know what I want my image to be like. I would much rather people see me as the person I am and not as some kind of product I had been made into.

"Nice, talk about me like I'm not even here."

I also caught her muttering the word 'assholes' under her breath which caused me to grin widely, a small chuckle also escaping Chris. I don't even know what he was to me. He was sometimes my bodyguard, sometimes he was a tour manager, and other times he was a shoulder for me to cry on. Whatever he was though I was extremely glad to have him in my life no matter what. He just seemed to get me which a lot of people don't.

"You can hang around backstage if you want, Gem. I know you don't like being in a strange house all by yourself."

She smiled gratefully at me. Only around ten more minutes passed of relatively comfortable silence before we had pulled up outside of the venue I was playing tonight. It's crazy to think that I only have one more show left after this one. I've been here for two months now, had been to twenty cities in the US and ten in Canada. It seemed like such a long time but it really didn't feel like it at all. There was a small crowd of people surrounding the bus when we stopped and once we stepped out a few came over to ask for pictures and autographs.

I simply told them I couldn't do that just now because I was in a rush but if they waited until the end I would be more than happy to do exactly that. I also noticed some nasty glares being directed at my sister but I just wrapped my arm around her and told her to look down so she wouldn't see for herself. I know we will need to do an announcement concerning her because I don't want people to assume things that are not true. I already know that there will probably be a rumour circulating around that I was cheating on Louis despite me saying on numerous occasions that I was not attracted to the opposite gender.

The rest of the day went by extremely quickly and I couldn't hide the stupid grin on my face as I took in Gemma's amazed expression. To her this was probably like walking into a whole other world and everything was new to her. I had roughly two hours before the show and I stuck to my promise with going back outside to take pictures with the fans who had been waiting for who knows how long. A few did ask about Gemma but I gave a vague response, simply stating that she meant a lot to me and I hadn't seen her in years, only being reconnected the day prior. It wasn't a lie though, so I didn't feel bad about it.

I would much rather someone hurt me with truth instead of comfort me with a lie. There are so many people who don't have the courage to be truthful and in the end, it becomes a massive web of lies that cannot be solved. In time, I will tell people that we are siblings but right now it wasn't the time to do so. Soon enough, show time came and Chris walked out to yell me over so that I might possibly be on time. At this thought, I huffed jokingly because I don't think there ever has been a moment where I was directly on schedule.

Night soon fell upon the city and soon I was rushing outside to a waiting van, dragging my sister behind me. The two of us were laughing merrily which probably looked a little suspicious to onlookers but we honestly didn't care about that right now. We were just happy to have each other in our lives once again. It took us roughly thirty minutes to drive up to my house here which was in a gated area so that it would be a lot less difficult for people to essentially stalk me.

Once we got out, I saw her eyes widening even more before she promptly shoved me to the side and took off running to the door. I laughed loudly at this and grabbed my suitcase from the driver before taking off after her. The rest of the night we ordered Chinese takeaway and just chilled basically. I'd given her a tour of the place and each room seemed to blow her away even more. It was a very extravagant place, I wasn't going to lie about that. But I knew the previous owners personally and managed to get a very hefty discount when I purchased it.

Soon, sleep began to overcome me and I showed her the spare room but she made no move to go in there. I realised why because the second I had climbed underneath my own covers, she had jumped in beside me after changing into some shorts of mine along with a tank top. Preston was coming out tomorrow morning at some point with her own belongings. She shimmied over the bed so that she was curled up in front of me and once again, I wrapped my arm tightly around her before falling asleep.


	11. Ten.

I probably should have called Louis last night or the day prior to tell him about Gemma. When I woke up that morning and had gone onto my phone, it had been blowing up more than usual. I frowned slightly before grabbing the small device before walking into my kitchen and getting something to drink. Had something happened through the night that I hadn't been awake for? It was possible after all. I stretched slightly and let out an audible gasp at the crack in my spine. I bit my lip slightly at seeing I'd received dozens of messages from my boyfriend and also from both Chad and Olly. Why was everyone texting me so much right now? I opened up the most recent message (well, one of dozens) from Olly first and began to read;

[From: Olly]  
You'd better explain yourself Styles.

[From: Olly]  
So that's the game you're going to play? Ignore everyone?

[From: Olly]  
You do know Louis' just came around mine in floods of tears right?

[From: Olly]  
I honestly thought you were different, fuck you.

[From: Olly]  
Oh, even though I'm severely pissed off with you, I'm not heartless. I'll keep your secret.

What? That was the only word that came to mind as I read those messages. There were a few more but I didn't read any of them, too confused to even think straight. What did I need to explain myself over? On top of that, why was my love crying? Instead of reading any more messages, I went onto Google and typed my name in. Immediately, numerous articles popped up and I gulped as realisation dawned on me.

Despite this area being a gated community, occasionally paparazzi got inside. That was clearly what happened as dozens of pictures of Gemma and I running into my house holding hands were there. It looked like I was cheating on Louis, and that was probably why he was crying. He'd been hurt really badly by James for cheating and basically using him as a toy for his own amusement, and in his mind this was similar.

Almost immediately, I went onto Twitter to read some of the replies that I was getting. A lot were very nasty, but they were at least somewhat justified. I know that a lot of my fans root for Louis and myself and to them this was a dagger in their backs. Fear creeped in again and my heart began pounding more than usual, my breathing quickening slightly. I managed to force myself to remain collected before logging back out and going back to my messages. I decided not to read any more of Olly's and instead moved over to Chad's;

[From: Chad]  
You've fucked up royally.

[From: Chad]  
You know what James did to him and you've just done the same.

[From: Chad]  
Call him the second you get this, and explain yourself.

[From: Chad]  
I fucking hope he doesn't go running back to you, Styles. You fucked up once already by refusing to tell him things but this is a whole lot worse. I hope she was fucking worth your time.

Tears were flowing freely down my face now. Fear of being left alone. Fear of people turning against me again. Fear of being ratted out over everything. I dropped my phone on the kitchen table and covered my face with my hands, trying to stop my eyes from watering incessantly. They were burning from the hot salty water, and I knew that my face was getting puffy. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have called him the second I found out about her again. After a few minutes, I managed to calm myself down slightly so I could breathe normally again before picking up my phone. I know I'd fucked up and I know I'd just destroyed a part of Louis' trust in me. But it wasn't too late to tell him.

I searched through my contacts, not wanting to prowl through the never ending text messages from Chad and Olly. I checked the time to see that it was 9am which meant it was roughly 5pm in London. He'll not be in classes, that is, if he even went to his classes today. I clicked his number and a sob broke through at seeing his smiling face and held my phone up to my ear. It rung out, and I tried once again. After six separate rings, I knew he was ignoring me. I had to tell him though. From reading their messages, I knew that Olly was the most level-headed right now. So instead I called him.

"What."

It came out very harshly and this caused another sob to wrack through me. This only seemed to irritate him though;

"Don't pull that trick on me, Styles. You'll be lucky if he even wants to speak to you after this. What the fuck is wrong with you? He told you everything about what happened to him and you go and do the same thing- "

"Olly I- "

"Don't fucking Olly me. He's reverted back in on himself you fucking twat. He cried himself to sleep last night and he's not even eaten anything today and- "

"For fuck sake, Olly, let me damn explain everything before you go off your fucking head at me. It's not what it looks like!"

I know that my outburst stunned him. I don't think I've ever gotten angry at either of them. With him not speaking out of shock, I took the opportunity to somewhat explain myself to him;

"It's not what it looks like. I've just fucking saw it about twenty minutes ago. I just bloody woke up, and she's still asleep. And, before you go off at me again, she stayed here last night. I haven't seen her in five fucking years so of course I'm going to want to spend as much time as I possibly can with her. I've tried calling him, Olly, and he won't answer. Please, I need to speak to him or at least on loudspeaker or something. I need to tell him."

My words became rushed nearing the end of my rant, and tears were falling more as my moment of anger diminished into thin air. I don't tend to get angry, but on the rare occasions I do, people back away big time from me. I don't know what is so scary about me apart from my height. I don't have ridiculous muscles or anything and I'm anything but a violent person. I knew that Olly wanted to yell back at me but he also seemed to be seriously considering my proposition. After a few minutes of absolute silence between us, he groaned before replying;

"You have two fucking minutes. No more than that, Harry. I'm going to put you on loudspeaker so we can all hear this. He's still crying right now, I'll give you the warning beforehand."

The fact that my love was crying because of me tore me into pieces. I hate making people cry anyway but the fact it was Louis only made matters infinitely many times worse. It was a miracle that Olly was even letting me talk to him because if it were me in his position, I would have hung up immediately.

"He called. I've got him on loudspeaker right now and he's going to tell us- "

"Tell us fucking what, Olly. It's obvious that he cheated on him with a blonde bimbo- "

"Ok, Chad, fuck you too. You won't even let me explain a thing. But don't you fucking dare call her a bimbo!"

I know my anger silenced him as well but this time it wasn't comforting in the slightest. Because no one was speaking, I could hear the sobs leaving Louis and I had to bite the back of my hand to stop myself from sobbing as well.

"Two fucking minutes, Harry- "

Olly reminded me but I was beginning to panic in case they didn't believe me. I was shaking on my seat and any kind of noise around me seemed to completely drown out. I had to fight it off though before I was dragged under. I think they realised immediately what was happening to me because soon I heard Chad ask me loudly if I was having a panic attack. I couldn't speak, my airway was beginning to close up. Fear gripped me into an iron fist once more and suddenly the only thing I could concentrate on was the screaming inside my head. I wasn't sure how long it lasted for, but I knew that they hadn't hung up. I took a few deep breaths to calm down again before just saying it straight out;

"It's Gemma for fuck sake. I'm not cheating on you, Louis. I could never fucking do that to you. I love you so much, and I know it looked like it. How they even got onto my street I have no fucking idea but- "

I was beginning to ramble again but his voice broke through now, my voice catching in the back of my throat at how vulnerable he sounded.

"Did you just say Gemma?"

Now, I was crying and I nodded furiously. Then I realised they couldn't see me over the phone so I gave them an audible confirmation. Silence followed immediately once again but this time it wasn't an angry silence, this was nothing but a stunned silence. I'd never openly spoke about my sister in front of either Chad or Olly so I know they are probably asking Louis silently what I was talking about. It had been ten months ago I told them everything, they were probably wondering what I was on about. They obviously recognised the name from somewhere if they were staying so quiet.

"I thought she was dead, Louis. I was fucking homeless because of it for fuck sake. Two days ago I had a soundcheck and there was a scuffle happening. I yelled at them to stop and she was there. At first I didn't think it was actually her, the last time I saw her she had dark brown hair and now she's blonde. Before you go off on me on why I know it's definitely her. She called me by my old nickname, that was what caught my attention in the first place. She ran over and hugged me, it felt so familiar. I checked the back of her neck and she's got the birthmark. You know I was the only one of my siblings who didn't have it. It's a heart shape, and it's on the back of her neck. She's alive, Louis. She survived the crash all along and as soon as she found out I was still out there, she came looking for me."

I heard someone mutter 'shit' under their breath but it was difficult to tell just who it was. It was pretty obvious that both our friends had put the pieces together and they were probably glancing back and forth between Louis and the phone in Olly's hand. I didn't realise I was crying at first but after a few seconds of silence I received a FaceTime call from them, clearly wanting to see me. I accepted it almost immediately and leaned forward to balance my phone up against a fruit basket.

The second I saw Louis' torn apart face, I could feel my body clench up in horror. I'd only ever saw him really torn apart a couple of times; the first time being when he broke up with me over my reluctance to speak up, and the second not long after I woke up from my suicide attempt. His entire face had seemingly swelled up and his cheeks were bright red, with numerous tear stains left.

"Why the fuck were you told she was dead? Surely someone can't fuck up that much."

It was Chad who spoke up and I winced at the lingering tone of anger in his voice. I knew he was the most protective over Louis considering he had seen him go through the shit with his ex in person instead of over a screen like Olly. He had every right to be severely pissed off with me.

"She flatlined, Chad. Multiple times. I think it was during one of her resuscitations that I was told. She's never listened to current radio stations, didn't read newspapers or tabloids. So she didn't know I was still well, alive."

I knew the topic of death was a sore subject for all of us. We'd all experienced it and it was a horrific thing for anyone. Some people refuse to let themselves cry and others freely let their tears fall. I don't know what category I fell into on the matter but I don't like to think about these types of things.

"He's telling the truth, guys. His right eye always twitches when he's lying."

I broke out of my train of thought as Louis' voice registered. I could still detect a painful undertone to his voice but I know it was a lot worse earlier. How long ago was it those pictures were put online? How long had my boyfriend been crying for because of my own stupidity for not telling him immediately. It wasn't that it looked like I was cheating on him that I'd fucked up on exactly, it was the fact that I hadn't told him. After multiple breakdowns in front of him, he made me swear to tell him everything that was going on so it didn't all build up inside of me and explode out at unwanted times.

"Love, I know I fucked up. I promised you I would tell you everything happening and I didn't. I don't blame either of you for thinking what you did because it did look like I was being unfaithful to you. I know I've just destroyed a part of your trust Louis, and I hope you can forgive me. I'll make sure to call you back in a couple of hours once lazy arse wakes up and I'll introduce you to her. Please don't give up on me, Louis. I love you to pieces and- "

"Ok, ok, enough with all the lovey dovey shit. Before the two of you start trying to fuck each other over the phone, we will be leaving."

Olly's exclamation made me roll my eyes in a mixture of annoyance and amusement. I could see Louis glaring at him as the two of them left the room. I spoke with Louis for roughly ten more minutes before we hung up, me promising to call him around noon in my time. Relief washed over me now but I was scared about what to tell others. How can I say that she is my sister without having to open up? Now wasn't a good time to think about those kinds of things.

"Who was that you were speaking to?"

I jumped slightly and proceeded to elbow her. When had she walked inside? I didn't even hear her never mind see her. She sat down next to me and reached over to grab herself a banana, and peeling it upside down. She'd always done it, claimed it was easier to open them that way. I let my finger trail along my lock screen, a smile playing on my lips.

"My boyfriend."

I had said those two single words on hundreds of occasions, but this had to be one of the most poignant times for me to say it. My sister was one of four people who accepted me within my family all those years ago so for her to hear that I had found someone I care deeply for, must have been a massive shock for her. I didn't even need to look at her to know that she was staring at me with an expression made up of multiple different emotions.

"How long have you guys been together?"

I didn't fail in hearing the tiny crack in her voice which told me she was close to tears. If somebody walked in right now who knew about Gemma, they would laugh at her for crying. This was a big thing for her to witness. After all, she'd seen me at my most lowest point. The time when I really considered ending my own life but guilt continually stopped me from doing so. She knew how difficult it was for me to trust and open up to people- I hadn't even done that when she tried to help me out.

"It was our two-year anniversary in September."

I heard her choke slightly and I had to stop my eyes from looking her way, already knowing she was trying to make an innuendo out of it. It certainly didn't help she was eating a banana literally two minutes ago. Just the mental image was scarring enough for me much less a visual image of it.

"Shit, that's a really long time. Do you guys live together? What does he do for a living? Is he younger or- "

Now, I turned to face her and promptly placed my palm over her mouth to stop her from rambling multiple questions in quick succession. Suddenly, something wet touched my palm and I immediately scrunched my face up in disgust that she done that. She's twenty-three and she just pulled the palm-licking trick on me. She laughed merrily at me as I wiped my hand on a dish cloth before chucking that elsewhere and sitting back down beside her.

"His name's Louis. He's a few weeks older than me- his birthday is Christmas Eve actually. He's just started university to study English and Drama. He does have a job but he only works part-time, and no we don't live together. However, he does spent a lot of time at my place even when I'm on tour or working away."

I cut off there, already knowing I could talk about him for hours on end but I didn't want to subject her to that. On top of that, I could see her making kissing faces at me which made the blood rush to my cheeks and tint them a deep pink. It was now that she cooed my way and I took the opportunity to smack her jokingly across the head. She leaned forward before scowling at me. Just like that, the two of us were wrestling on the kitchen floor. It was nice to do this, have a stupid fight. A lot of siblings do but this was something a lot deeper for the both of us. We only stopped when she took notice of my left arm and her eyes widened at the numerous tattoos covering my skin.

"You actually did it?"

A tight smile made its way onto my face before I helped her up. We walked into the living room and flopped down onto the couch, her wasting no time in analysing each inking in detail, trying to figure out the story they told. A lot of people think that they are all pointless, that they mean nothing and I got them simply to get a permanent inking. That wasn't the case, each one of them told a part of my life, pieces that I never wanted to forget.

I had a few dedicated to Gemma which she spotted almost immediately. A couple dedicated to my mum. Even one for Robin. They didn't all necessarily have a nostalgic feel to them, some were just really funny moments I never wanted to forget. Like the coat hanger I had near the top of my arm. People who know it's there tend to believe it means something along the lines of coming out of the closet. I could see where they were coming from with that idea though.

What had really happened however was really something. When we were all around ten years old- we'd only moved to London around eighteen months prior- we came up with a game. The game consisted of trying to fit into the weirdest objects possible. We went all the way from a locker to a bookcase and yes- to a coat hanger. It was our brother who was the unlucky one and he got stuck and Robin had to get wire cutters to get him loose. Looking back on the we used to be was comical but also slightly embarrassing.

My phone started ringing not long after and I answered immediately- it was a radio host calling for a quick interview which I happily gave. The rest of the day I stuck to my word and I showed her around this huge city, the pair of us playing the role of stereotypical tourists. When I was in bed that night, it struck me that I hadn't been plagued by a night terror the last couple of days. That probably meant I was going to have another very soon but I forced my nerves to melt away as sleep took over. Unfortunately, my gut feeling was correct as a couple of hours later my sister had come running into the room and trying to wake me up.


	12. Eleven.

Life is a pattern. That was a saying I had come to terms with a long time ago. I can't even remember when it was I first made the connection of those types of things but for anybody within my inner circle, it was obvious. It's only a seven letter word, and to a lot of people it doesn't mean much. Just seen as a way to describe something. This was true when it came to me of course, but it was in a much more morbid way. There are so many different variations of that word. Many people see it as a schedule or even like a design. Even then there are patterns within patterns. Woven seamlessly together to look like one incredible picture.

There can be swirls, dots, lines, checked, the list was endless. These were all individual in their own right but rarely were they used on their own. Instead combined together to create a single finished product that some find pleasing to the eye and others not so much. For me, that word meant nothing in that sense. The only pattern in my life that was prominent was myself. Everything happened this way for me. Occasionally it would get better and other times it wouldn't. If I had to describe it to another person I would explain it as the way that a cat plays with a mouse. 

It's a very slow kill, a torturous ending. First the cat entraps the rodent and plays around with it. Then the prey gets let loose which lets it think it's going to get away unscathed. Very rarely do they actually manage this. Then the feline pounces once more and makes an incision or maybe even bite it and shake it's poor body around to make it delirious. Then the rodent is let off again. There are times when it appears as though the cat shows mercy and makes a swift kill, but majority of the time, this is not the case. They were cunning creatures after all, perfect predators. There was no denying it.

People might think this was a strange way to describe these patterns that go on with me, but they probably won't ever understand. Life was a massive game. My mentality was the predator, and I was its prey. At times I struggle to do anything really without being in a trance of some form. At times I will be laughing merrily and being a typical twenty-year-old. Over the past few months, these days had been a lot more off balance than they usually were. More days were creeping up on me where it was just too much and I had to force myself to not shut down almost. It was getting difficult again and I knew it was only a waiting game before I said too much or somebody invaded my privacy at a horrible time. 

From then on, I would either become a laughing stock, be ignored by some spectators, or I would have people giving me a lot of sympathy. I don't want to be seen as a joke, I don't want people to simply ignore me, and certainly do not want sympathy. All I want and all I need is somebody to understand me wholly. Of course there was Louis and Niall, along with Chad, Olly, and now Chris. But it wasn't the same. There only ever would be one person who would understand everything perfectly and that person passed on years ago. Right now though, with Gemma's arm looped around my shoulder, I felt some comfort.

It wasn't the same kind of comfort I received from our brother, but it was comfort. There was no other word to describe it. She'd seen me in my worst place mentally, had put up with me despite everything. She'd witnessed countless panic attacks and episodes. There had been times where we would get into a massive fight that occasionally turned physical. I always snapped out of it when this happened as violence was something I hated and I never want to become a violent person. I just wasn't in a good state of mind at the time. I've improved drastically but there are always going to be days when it does get a bit too much. A bit like I'm stuck inside of a glass case, screaming for help to be released. 

I'm lonely. I really am. People assume that because I'm in such an industry that I have hundreds of friends, but they would be left sorely shocked were they to ever see the mess that I was behind camera lenses. Not even necessarily behind camera lenses because I've learned how to hide it from close friends as well. The only thing I hide behind is this massive wall I've built around myself. I don't know how long I had just sat there for, trying to remain as calm as possible as my nightmare repeated in my head. 

“You're ok, Harry. That evil thing is gone, he can't come near you again.”

All I wanted to do was to talk about my worst fear, but the words got stuck in my throat. I have no idea if she knows that monster was walking the streets as a free man again, in fact, I would be surprised if she did know. No tears were falling anymore and were beginning to dry on my cheeks, but I knew that I still looked torn apart. This was a new thing to the two of us, her comforting me. A piece of me still wanted to shove her off me and tell her she didn't know what I was feeling but I couldn't do that. I now know more than I did at fourteen and fifteen. She didn't know exactly what it was I was feeling but she understood. 

“Do you want to speak about it?”

Her calmness terrified me, I couldn't ignore that fact. All those years ago after I'd been awoken from a terror she always looked like she would rather be somewhere else. This told me she had either done a lot of research or it was the more likely option. That she was struggling mentally as well. If this was true, it was clearly not on the same level, but it was something. Right then, a bond was created between us that hadn't been there previously. I've always loved her but for a long time I didn't trust her or mum for that matter. I couldn't ever redeem myself for my mum but I could show Gemma that I was finally ready to completely let her into my life.

“They- they’re usually based on memories, occasionally fabricated. At times I'm him and other times it's even my sweet Louis that's him. There are times when it's my mind seemingly telling me that I might cross paths with that thing again and it's usually when I've got a show. He's always standing there in plain sight from me, smirking evilly, me having a breakdown in front of my fans. They know so little about everything, hardly anyone knows. I only have three fears now in my life; the first one is him finding me, the second is people finding out what has happened to me and calling me a liar or an attention seeker, and lastly everyone abandoning me and leaving me to fend for myself again.”

By now she had wrapped her arms tightly around me, breathing shakily into my neck. I've never been this open with her and it was obvious she had no idea how to take it. Normally fears are irrational but mine were far from that. It was true though, they really were the only fears I have but they are the only fears I've ever had. Being hurt again, being called out as a liar again, being abandoned again. 

“How long have you had these fears, Harry?”

I bit my lip now as tremors began to wrack through my body, my hands immediately covering my face in an attempt to shield myself away from the exposure. I managed to stop myself from doing so and instead wrapped them tightly around her lower back. She shifted slightly at the gesture, clearly not expecting me to cradle her like she was cradling me.

“For as long as I can remember.”

The words fell before I could even think of a reply. Once they had been spoken though I knew that it was true. I've always had these fears and it made me realise just how much damage had been done in those three years of abuse I suffered at the hands of someone who should love me deeply. Physical and sexual abuse is one thing, and it fucks you up on the outside, but psychological fucks you up mentally. Nobody can see how wrecked a person is until the words come flowing from the person who is suffering. 

I wasn't sure how lo we had sat there for but when we did pull apart I honestly did feel as though a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It always happens when I meet someone I'm willing to be open with and now I remember that I'd promised to tell Chris everything soon. Weirdly enough, thinking it didn't seem to lock me tightly in a cage. Then again, I would happily trust Chris with my life if need be and he was like family to me. It was kind of difficult to not consider him as such when he's been there for me through so much and never questioning anything. 

“Since you haven't got anything on until an interview tonight, why don't we go do something? Get food and be typical tourists since I've never been here before?”

As these words left her, I smiled deeply. It was only now that I realised I was only in my boxers and she was in an old t-shirt of mine that fell to her knees. Preston would be by some time today with her suitcase and other belongings she may have brought with her. I told her she could rummage through my wardrobe in search for something that would fit her as I got up from my bed. Lightly twenty minutes later we had both got dressed- her squeezing into a pair of my very tight black jeans and pulling on an oversized lilac jumper. It wasn't always oversized, but Niall put it in the wrong washing pile roughly a year ago and it pretty much trebled in size. I wasn't complaining though because it was comfortable.

Thirty minutes quickly passed that consisted of her making stupid jokes about my driving on our way to a pancake place. I've never been someone to eat sweet for breakfast but I only have a couple of days with her here so I was going to do whatever she wanted to do. Once we arrived, she not so discreetly placed a hand over her chest in fake terror which made me roll my eyes at her. Due to the early hour, there wasn't many people inside but I wasn't bothered by that as it meant I was less likely to be spotted. One of our days together had already been ruined due to cheating rumours. 

“So, are you going to talk about your night terror or not?”

Her bluntness caught me off guard and I looked down at my clasped hands, weaving my fingers together tightly and trying to stop myself from sweating. I frowned at first because I had told her but then I realised that she meant in detail and not simply brushed over.

“It was him saying all that shit like no one would believe anything, I would ruin things, me believing him. And then Louis joining in on it, belittling me and breaking me back to that reclused self.”

It felt wrong talking about these things in front of her. I'd gotten somewhat used to it thanks to Lisa and I had learned ways to slowly speak up on it, but something was off. Whether that was due to the fact I had thought my sister to be dead for five years or if it was because I had grown to completely trust Lisa I wasn't sure. Of course I trusted Gemma, but that barrier I had built up around myself from her all those years ago was still apparent. I had to break it down but I have no idea how to go about doing that considering I can't remember anytime it wasn't there. She reached over the table and squeezed my hand tightly, offering me reassurance which told me she knew how difficult it really was for me to speak about things like this.

“You don't need to let me in right away just because we've got each other back after five years, Harry. Let it be on your own terms and not because you feel like you have to.”

Her words immediately brought a relieved smile to my face as my heartbeat drastically decreased to a normal beating pattern. We were taken out of our reverie when our food arrived- her getting buttermilk pancakes topped with salted caramel, milk chocolate, and toasted walnuts whereas I just got regular pancakes with mixed berries on top with a vanilla custard. No words were spoken as we ate but it was a very comfortable silence. I wasn't going to ruin that with her when we're only now beginning to really build up a sibling bond. It felt weird saying that considering the last time I had that kind of bond was with our brother. It really didn't feel like in less than three months it would have been seven years since he passed on.

I don't like saying that he had died. There was just something about that four letter word that everyone has experienced and will experience at some point that set me on edge. It just seemed so final. Here was no other word I could use to describe it other than that. Personally I don't believe in any kind of afterlife but I don't like believing that death is the end of everything. Is there even such a thing as an ending? I shook my head as I slowly came back to reality and be welcomed into that comforting silence once more.

“What do you want to do the rest of the afternoon then, Gem?”

She looked up at me and I had to force myself to hold in my snort at the thick chocolate sauce covering her chin. She scowled at me before grabbing a napkin and wiping away the residue, probably glad she had opted not to wear makeup today. I let her think for a few moments as I finished my food and took a large gulp of water.

“I don't know. At first I wanted to go exploring but now I just want to chill out. Be lazy all day and just binge watch something on television.”

A small laugh escaped me here as thoughts raced through my head. Underneath the table I quickly searched up what movies had just been released in cinemas along with the times they were showing. I hid my phone not long after choosing one that I knew she would enjoy. I would need to alert Chris at some point. Speaking of Chris, I have no idea where he is. Whenever we come here he's always adamant that he stay in a hotel despite me having plenty of room in my house. He was always only a call or text away though and I knew I could trust him in getting us to a screening with minimal trouble.

“So that's what we'll do then. Next time I'm here and if you've got time off from work you're more than welcome to join me. That goes for anywhere. Just as long as it's us only because quite frankly, I don't want you to be with Louis on time away because you'll just embarrass the fuck out of me.”

To a lot of other people, this probably sounded rather harsh. Luckily she caught the slight humorous undertone in my voice as she shook her head fondly.

“No thank you, I don't need to hear my little brothers sex noises thank you very much.”

She clearly expected those words to have an effect on me so when she realised I didn't react, she frowned deep in concentration. I refused to speak, forcing myself to bite my tongue and let her figure it out herself. Maybe a minute passed but it was an extremely awkward minute. Sixty seconds feeling more like a few hours. Like time itself had stopped or had reversed.

“You guys haven't- “

She didn't get the chance to finish her sentence because my facial expression gave it away. I knew that it was extremely rare for couples to have been together for over two year to have not had sex yet but Louis and I were far from an ordinary couple. Of course this was down almost entirely to me due to my mental state and with me being extremely well known. 

“How long is you've been together again?”

I looked down to the table now, vehemently refusing to meet her gaze as I twiddled my fingers together once more. It was only recently I realised just how often I did this but it was a coping mechanism of mine. The slight sting it caused always seemed to put my mind at rest.

“Over two years.”

She gulped loudly as this processed for her. I could tell the clogs were churning away inside of her as she tried to come to a definitive conclusion before making an accusation of any kind. As I waited in her response, I downed the rest of my drink and flagged a waitress down to pay for our meal. I expected her to protest about me paying but she was still in deep thought over everything. 

“You're still a virgin- “

“No, I’m not. You saw what happened- “

I didn't get any chance to finish in my rant before she cut me off once more;

“Yes, you are. Biologically you aren't but it wasn't on your own terms, Harry. What happened to you is really fucking disgusting and it's even more disgusting that people we called family defended that monster during everything. To me and also to a lot of other people, virginity isn't lost until the person is completely consensual to it. So to me you're still innocent in that way. Be honest with me here please, I won't ridicule you for it, but have you and Louis ever gotten close to it?”

A few tears built up in my eyes which clouded my vision just slightly now as I thought carefully. Her words ere buzzing around in my head and as much as I wanted to have the same beliefs as she did over this kind of thing, I knew I could never. To me once it was done, it was done. Consensual or non-consensual. It's a rough way of thinking but it's what I've always felt over this kind of thing and I knew that was never going to change. Not any time soon at least.

“We've shared intimate moments with each other if that's what you mean. I don't think I'm ready and he's also really hesitant considering he's had a fucking awful experience with sex himself. We both agree that there are so many ways to show a person you love them than just that and we're both fine with that. But to answer your question, we got close a couple of times but one of those occasions I had a massive panic attack and we had to stop, the second time we did we both freaked out. I won't go into details on my boyfriends past before you've even spoken to him but his ex psychologically messed him up and he couldn't go through with it.”

She listened intensively to every single word that fell from me. Making sure to soak up everything and committing it to her memory. I expected it to be awkward, speaking about intimacy with my sister if all people but for some reason it wasn't. Maybe that was because she knew first-hand what it was really like for me and why I found it so difficult to open up to people. Obviously the people who do know also realise the damage that had been caused, but it wasn't anywhere near in the level that she knew. 

“I can't believe I'm talking about this kind of thing with you because you're twenty and you're always going to be my little brother no matter what. Be honest with me here Harry, are you actually ready and refusing to admit it, or are you genuinely not ready?”

I opened my mouth intending to retort back but I shut it almost immediately. As the question repeated in my head, I realised with a start that I genuinely didn't have an answer to it. Was I really ready to give myself fully to Louis or was I convincing myself that I wasn't? More questions built up over the next hour we spent in the booth that didn't have concrete answers which made me come a startling revelation. I really wasn't in control of myself, I never really had been. There's always been a voice in the back of my mind convincing me things that I've never second guessed until this moment in time. Maybe it was time for me to start letting go. However, that was a lot easier said than it was done.


	13. Twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is sex in this chapter, and it is detailed. So if you're not comfortable with smut then I'd advise you to not read this part.

Confusion was the first thing that clouded my mind as I stepped off the plane at Heathrow a few days later. Excitement was still buzzing through me from the night before and my ears were still ringing ever so slightly. It was finally over, over two months of being on tour and away from my loved ones. However, apart from spending time with them I had no idea what I was going to do. I've never had a six week long break before that wasn't forced. In fact, the last time I'd had a break so long was after my attempt.

No matter how many times I think back to that day and try to wrack my brain for the memories leading up to waking up in a hospital bed, there simply wasn't any. This is why I hate episodes so much because I'm never aware of what is happening, nor do I ever have any memories. Or not my own, they're always memories I've painted myself after hearing it from multiple other people.

As I was escorted out of the terminal, I caught sight of a few paparazzi taking pictures of me which caught the general publics attention. How they know where anyone in a highly publicised industry was seemingly at all times scares me. Not just over the simple fear that someone will get unflattering pictures of me, but if they catch me in the middle of a breakdown, panic attack, or an episode. I don't know what the technical term for the fear of people knowing is, but I know for a fact that I have it.

Don't let your fears control you, instead learn to control your fears.

Gemma had text me that some point the day before and they had been repeating back and forth in my mind ever since. I hated it when she was right, I always had. Words are so easily spoken though than actually carrying out tasks. This wasn't even a task for me, it was a mission. One I genuinely had no idea I would ever complete and that terrified me more. Eventually, the clicking noises from the numerous expensive cameras stopped once I slid inside the back of the van that would take me home. 

It was a good decision to not sleep on the plane because it was clearly late afternoon here. That meant I should be able to shake off any jet lag I might have fairly quickly. The forty minutes or so the journey took, I listened to whatever was on the radio and let myself temporarily get lost in my own little world. Once we'd pulled up however, relief washed through me. Finally, after two months away I would see Louis again. I’d told him I was catching a flight later on today so I knew he wasn't expecting me under any circumstances.

Opening the door was weird. Seeing my own house was weird. Being in London was weird. However, it was wonderful. I heard chattering from a room nearby abruptly stop followed by footsteps. A few seconds later, Olly appeared and his shocked expression immediately brought a smile onto my face. I didn't have time to react before he came barrelling down the hallway to attack me in a tight hug. If he was here then that meant Chad was probably here as well. 

I was correct in my assumption as soon there other people filed out to see what the commotion was about, one of those being a friend of Louis’ from university. I didn't see the other three people once Olly finally let go of me, the only thing in my line of vision was my smiling boyfriend. When I'd started running, I wasn't sure, but a few seconds later I'd pulled him in close to my chest and I wasted no time in breathing in his scent. We only pulled apart slightly to join our lips in a wet kiss considering we'd both starting crying from joy. 

“We'd better leave the love birds alone, don't want to witness this.”

Two identical grumbles in agreement followed and soon it was just the two of us in the house.

“I thought you wouldn't be home until tomorrow.”

I laughed a little and brought him in for another quick kiss, gosh I missed the feeling of his lips pressed against my own.

“I wanted to surprise you so I got on the earliest flight after my show finished. Don't worry though, I've already showered and everything.”

He chuckled after this before he let his fingers trail along my jawline lovingly. The whole time he was doing so, I stared him deep in the eye. They were a lot brighter than I remembered them being and he also appeared to have gained some muscle. I knew he had been working out occasionally with Chad when he had the time but seeing the results was something else. 

He asked what I wanted to do and since it was late I simply replied with wanting to cuddle him in bed and watch a movie. It was so simple, but sometimes it's the simple things in life that mean the world to someone. I was confused when I walked into my bedroom though, more specifically at what was in my room. On top of my bed was a decently sized box that I hadn't left and I knew Louis hadn't either. He gave me just as weird a look before walking over to see if it was addressed from anyone. After a few seconds he beckoned me over and I saw what looked like a note, I carefully tore it from the cardboard and began to read;

Before you freak out dear brother, I left this for you. You gave me a copy of a key to your place the day before I left so I knew I had to leave you and this Louis of yours a little welcoming gift.

The note was finished with what appeared to be a drawing of a winnking face. What had you done, Gemma? That was all I was thinking and I began to mentally punch myself in the face for giving her a key to my house, it might have only been just over a week ago that I got her back, but she's already made it her life mission to embarrass me as much as possible. And if I know my sister as well enough as I think I do, this was no regular coming home gift.

Louis read the note now and since I was still rooted to the spot in irritation, he opened the box. Inside there was a lot of tissue paper but he obviously spotted something as soon his face reddened the deepest shade of cherry I have ever seen and he awkwardly took a few steps back. I frowned in interest, was it really so bad that Louis was too embarrassed to go near it? I looked inside myself and as soon as I spotted what Louis had I immediately grabbed my phone and dialled her number. A few seconds later she answered but she didn't have time to talk before I was complaining;

“Seriously, Gem? Condoms and lube? What is wrong with you, woman?!”

She only cackled from the other side before adding on to use them wisely and not all at once, before promptly hanging up. Right now, I genuinely had no idea if I wanted to die of embarrassment or laugh hysterically. Seriously though, what sister does that? Louis recuperated soon from his shock at finding that as he stowed it away in the bedside drawer which made me quirk a brow up slightly. That was until I realised that those items would probably be getting used in the future, that is as soon as I get over my massive fear of sex.

Neither of us bothered to change into pyjamas, instead deciding to do that after we had watched a film. That is, if we didn't fall asleep beforehand. We did brush our teeth and wash our faces though. A few minutes later we were underneath the covers whilst flicking through channels looking for something to watch. Eventually we decided on a romantic comedy on Netflix. 

I cuddled further into him which probably looked funny considering I was a few inches taller than him, I'd actually grown another two inches over these past couple of months. Not that I minded because I liked to annoy Louis over his height. Whatever he lacked in that department he made up for in personality though. He chuckled under his breath before turning to face me, a large grin etched on his face. Slowly, I let my fingers trace along his bulging bicep, feeling the slight change that had been made. After a few seconds of doing so, I leaned forward and kissed him once more. I didn't pull away immediately and I knew he didn't want to either.

Because of this, it didn't take long for us to melt into a deep kiss. Despite the two of us being relatively open with our relationship, it was still awkward to show affection in public. In this aspect, we are both incredibly shy and dare I say it, embarrassed by being affectionate. At times this makes people question if our relationship is real but I honestly don't care what people think about me. I've been in this tough business for over three years now, I've learned how to grow a thick skin. I savoured each time Louis' lips met my own, trying my best to memorise it all in case we get pulled apart again soon.

Although, deep down by doing this I always missed him more when I was working away. I pushed these thoughts aside and focused solely on returning his loving gesture with equal amounts of passion, mixing up the speed and varying pressure. It really is crazy, the fact that my feelings only increase as each day passes. Will there ever be a day when this was not the case? I honestly don't think so. 

It was now I felt him slowly applying a bit more pressure than normal and I felt his hand grip the side of my ribs gently, a sign that he wanted entrance. Over time we've learned each other's body language so well that words were rarely needed when it came to these kinds of moments between us. I happily obliged with his silent request and I snaked my own arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me. I could feel the soft beating of his heart we were that close to each other and I could hear his soft pants in between our kisses.

Before I really knew it, our movie became long forgotten and we had shuffled down on the bed so that I was pressed against the soft mattress. He was hovering ever so slightly over me and I definitely wasn't complaining with the view. With my free arm, I softly caressed his cheek, tangling my fingers into his hair behind his ear in the process. He grunted slightly in response which caused me to smile against his mouth, he loved when I played around with his hair. 

He moved a little further up the bed so that our faces were completely aligned with one another. We broke apart for a few seconds just to stare into one another's eyes. It was difficult for me to describe the colour his were, they were made up of so many different shades and not one of them appeared to be prominent. At times they looked grey, other times they appeared more green. I suppose the closest colour I could compare them to would be a pale turquoise or the colour of a tropical ocean.

I didn't have much time to analyse his features further before he crashed his lips against mine once again. Now it was my turn to let out a long moan from deep within me, vibrations buzzing over my skin. I knew that he could feel it as well due to our proximity. Carefully, I bit his bottom lip just slightly to let him know that I was ok. A few months prior we had come up with our own signals to let one another know we were ready for something. We've both been hurt badly before and it certainly would not be a good thing if one of us regretted anything afterwards.

Slowly, he dipped his hips lower in a thrusting motion. My heart sped up slightly in fright for a second but soon fell back into its regular rhythmic beats. This fear I had over anything intimate was dwindling away more each day. The first few times we had shared an intimate moment we'd had to stop because I was either on the verge of having a panic attack or I was having intense flashbacks. It hadn't happened for over a year which I'll take as a sign that my fear was slowly disappearing. 

My sisters words echoed in my mind, when she told me to not let fear control my life. She had said there really was only one way to overcome a fear and that was to tackle the situation head on. Suddenly, I had a burst of anticipation and within seconds I had began to edge up Louis' shirt. He froze immediately in his movements as he stared down at me, trying to figure out where my braveness had come from. Once he was topless, I nodded my head just slightly to let him know it was ok for him to repeat the same actions.

There really was only a handful of times where we have managed to do something other than kissing in which we haven't had to stop due to me. No matter how many times Louis tells me that it isn't my fault, I know that it is. I'm so fucked up because of my past that I can't even show my partner that I love him to pieces. Right now though, I was going to try my best to ignore everything that had happened and instead focus solely on what could happen. Maybe one day we'll get to a point where we'll be a somewhat regular couple.

He seemed to finally notice how relaxed I was and he hesitantly dipped his hips lower in a thrusting motion once again, carefully taking in my reaction. The first couple of times he done this, my heart did pick up speed but soon calmed down once more. My fear was slowly dwindling away the more we carried on. It was now he removed my shirt and within seconds his hands were roaming over my exposed chest, carefully tracing the outline of some abs and feeling the very slight curve from my waist to my bum.

The whole time he was doing this, he was also continuing with his soft thrusts and I realised with a start that if we weren't clothed we would be having sex. I expected fear to grip me in its iron fist at the thought but much to my surprise it didn't. Maybe Gemma was right. It was awkward as hell discussing my fears over sex with my sister but I needed advice from someone who semi-understood things from my point of view. She was the only person who had been there my entire life even if we hadn't seen each other in years due to such a mix-up. 

With more courage beginning to run through my veins, I found my hands slowly unbuttoning his jeans. Once again, Louis paused in his movements to take in my expression. So many feelings were going through me that I hadn't felt before, a fire seemingly ignited deep within me and warming me to the core. Passion running through me in ways that I didn't think. Love pulsing through my whole body at my boyfriend above me in ways I hadn't felt previously. 

He seemed to be searching my expression for non-verbal permission to continue. With this observation, I gave him a soft nod along with a smile. It was enough to tell him I was ok and that I wasn't at a risk of being dragged under once again by my mind. With the given permission from me, he carefully slid out of his jeans before giving me the exact same look which caused me to roll my eyes in a mixture of annoyance and admiration. I didn't even give him the go ahead, I just removed my own jeans so we were only separated by two thin layers of cloth.

"What's got you so worked up, love?"

I opened my eyes a little bit and stared deep into his own, almost getting lost before thinking of my reply. A blush coated my cheeks at my conversation with Gemma, and I wasn't sure whether or not it was because I had asked her for advice for when it came to intimacy.

"Um, I spoke to Gemma."

He paused right then and I could see realisation dawning on him as to why I was blushing so hard. It was obvious he was biting back a laugh and to irritate him I bucked my hips up just slightly which caused him to stop immediately and screw his eyes shut. I knew why though, it was pretty obvious that we were both painfully hard in the constraints of our boxers. 

"I needed an opinion from someone who was there the whole time, Louis. It was so damn awkward though. Basically she just told me to try and not let my fears control me and instead try and learn to control my fears. I can't do that unless I push my safe boundaries, and I want to try this. If I start to get worked up Louis, don't stop whatever it is you are doing, I'll tell you if it's too much."

He was about to retort back with some sarcastic remark but he paused to think over what I had told him. A few moments of silence later he sighed in defeat. I know he hates seeing me in any kind of vulnerable position but I knew deep down that I was ready to give myself to him. I want to take our relationship the whole way. I want to make love with him right now.

"What are you getting at here, Harry? I'm not following along too well."

I shut my eyes once again and took a deep breath, trying to decide whether to let him figure it out himself or to just tell him. After a few seconds of thinking, I looked at him once more. Carefully I lifted my right hand up and stroked his cheek, not once breaking eye contact with him. I'd looped my other arm around his waist at some point as well. I softly leaned up to kiss him for a moment before pulling back and saying;

"I want to make love with you, Louis. I'm ready for it."

He froze right then and looked at me again, analysing my face once more with hesitation. I knew that he was once again thinking I may have been joking and this caused me to roll my eyes. I didn't give him much time to think before crashing my lips against his again. He was taken aback by my boldness and I'll admit I didn't think I had that kind of courage within me. Quickly we had melted into the kiss and it wasn't long until he began his soft thrusting motions again. This time however, soft moans were leaving my lips when we pulled apart for air at the feeling.

"Are you really sure about this, Harry?"

His words echoed in my mind for a few moments. Normally whenever I thought about anything like this there was some voice inside that would retort back with things, waiting to be unleashed from its cage within. When this didn't happen, I gave him a bright smile and asked with a slight hint of sarcasm;

"Do you not think I'm ready?"

For a few seconds I questioned whether or not I had said the correct thing to him with that. He froze in his spot now and I realised how harsh that had come out. Luckily my joking tone had registered within him and a moment later our lips were joined together once again. If all goes to plan tonight and nothing bad happens, I was fucking glad that Gemma had left that box on our bed. It was embarrassing finding a box full of condoms and bottles of lubricant from my sister but now I knew that she was simply looking out for me.

Don't let your fears control you, instead control your fears.

I kept repeating those ten words in my head, trying my hardest to remain as calm as I possibly could. Surprisingly it wasn't difficult to do so and this made me feel incredible inside. Maybe I was getting better without trying, or maybe it was having Lisa around. I wasn't sure what it was that had caused such a change in me but I wasn't going to complain about it. It was now I felt Louis trying to part my lips with his tongue once more and I once again gave him access, moaning deeply in the process.

The noise had caught him off guard and his grip on my hip tightened just slightly before releasing it to just gently brush over my skin. It might have not been a massive gesture for a lot of people because I know there are multiple couples who prefer rough sex to caring sex. This wasn't the reason why he had done this though. It seemed to be a natural response he had to my moan but he seemingly remembered what I'd gone through and immediately jerked back.

I know that I told him that I was going to push my boundaries to their limit tonight, but I also knew that this was a boundary he wasn't comfortable with crossing. Our relationship works due to a deep mutual understanding of each other and if he didn't want to be slightly rough then that was fine. I was still expecting for my fear to build up and burst out of me, but once again, nothing happened. 

Another surge of courage coursed through me and he didn't have any time to react before I'd hooked my leg around his waist to give him more space. Again, this didn't seem like anything significant but to us it was a sign of utmost trust and love. Louis caught on once more and he slowly dipped his hips down once more, applying a bit of pressure and awaiting my response. My eyes screwed shut and I tilted my head back a little into the pillow as the exquisite feeling rippled through my body.

After a few minutes, he stopped once again and I focused on his face trying to figure out what was up. He didn't need to speak because his actions told me already what he wanted as his fingers hooked into my boxers. Some nerves built up inside of me now but not a bad kind so with that, I nodded. For us communication is key; whether that be verbal or not. I angled my hips up slightly so he could slide them off with ease, leaving me completely bare to him.

It wasn't awkward between us considering we've gotten further than this before without trouble, but there still seemed to be a barrier up between us. Hopefully that would disappear soon because if this works out and we manage to make love without any complications, I don't want the memory to be clouded in the back of my mind with uncertainty. I was taken out of my thoughts when I felt Louis immediately wrap his thin lips around me, a gasp hitching in my throat.

Soft moans were leaving my parted lips as he took as much as he could into his mouth, swivelling his tongue around me in the process. The part he couldn't fit in his mouth he attended to with his hand and within a few moments I was struggling to stay still as intense feelings of love and lust overcame me. I tangled my fingers into his hair now, knotting the caramel coloured strands around my fingers until my knuckles turned white. It probably caused pain but my adrenaline was quickly contradicting this.

"Love, I can't. I can't hold on much longer if you keep doing that."

At first I thought he hadn't heard me but it turned out he only wanted to annoy me for a few more seconds. I blushed furiously at the noise he made when he detached his mouth from me but I was soon panting harshly underneath him. Louis shimmied up more so that our faces were aligned with one another, both of us panting hard. A warm feeling spread through my body and I noticed that his pupils had dilated massively. Even though I couldn't see myself, I knew I was exactly the same.

"I love you, Louis."

The words left my lips before I'd even processed anything. I was simply far too entrapped in his intense gaze to concentrate on much else. He leaned down once more and I assumed he was going to kiss me once more but instead he let his lips trail along my jawline and I hissed slightly when he pinched a nipple. A strange squeaking noise left me as he done this because that wasn't pleasurable in the slightest but this changed when he attached his lips and letting his tongue circle around the sensitive bud.

The heat combined with the sharp pain was incredible. Within seconds I was moaning once again but before I could blink it seemed, he had once again removed himself from me to stare directly into my eyes. Now, an emotion crossed his expression that I'd only ever seen on him a handful of times- fear. I knew that he wasn't scared to do this considering he's brought it up previously on a few occasions, which meant that he was scared I would lash out. He clearly wanted this to be special and didn't want the memory to be tainted.

No words were spoken between us, instead I lightly gripped his bicep and gave him an equally intense glare. Solidifying my reluctance to stop. I really did want this, I don't want to fear something completely natural anymore. I don't want to let my demons control me. I just want to be in control of myself and nothing other than that. This was going to be the first real step in my recovery instead of simply crawling.

Louis noticeably gulped to hide how nervous he was. A couple of moments passed before he snapped out of whatever daze it was that he was in. With that, he reached over and opened the drawer on my bedside table, taking out the box that Gemma had left. He removed a condom along with the lube before returning it to its original position. He was still in his boxers and he didn't have much time to react before I began to peel them off of him. 

Now we were both completely naked and right then the first real pieces of fear hit me. This was happening, this was really happening. I shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths, allowing myself to calm down. We can't stop now, I can't stop now. I have to push my safe boundaries otherwise we are only going to go in circles and nothing else. Louis gave me a tight lipped smile before he opened the bottle and drizzled a generous amount onto his fingers. 

Hesitantly, I widened my legs and bent them at the knees so he had easier access. Slowly, he positioned his hand close to my bum before looking at me once more, silently asking for permission to continue. I took a few seconds to let my heart rate calm down to a more regular pattern before nodding his way. At first, he didn't do much. He let his hand run along my crack before pressing the pad of his middle finger directly over my rim, adding the tiniest amount of pressure to the tight ring of muscle. 

He was still hovering over me, his warm breath fanning my face. Once again I tangled my fingers into his hair and pulled him down to attach my lips to his once more. He slowly began to slip his finger inside of me and I froze momentarily at the foreign feeling. It wasn't painful in any means, just an extremely strange sensation. We continued to kiss as he edged it in more until he couldn't do much else. He broke the kiss after this as he took in my expression, trying to decide if he wanted to continue or try another day.

With this observation, I slowly moved my hips and I gasped lightly as his finger slipped out slightly and sank back in. It still felt weird but I knew that as soon as he found that sensitive bundle of nerves that would no longer be the case. I was essentially losing my virginity right now even though I technically wasn't even a virgin. I shut my eyes and breathed deeply a couple of times, forcing myself to not think about it. I want our first time being connected in the most intimate way possible to be nothing short of perfect.

Louis finally took the hint that I really did want to continue and didn't simply want to get this over and done with. He leaned down once more and planted numerous kisses along my face, none actually on my lips as he slowly began to edge his finger in and out. That foreign feeling came back again, my body seemingly not knowing whether it was enjoying this or was weirded out by it. He done this for a few minutes until I was a lot more used to the sensation before he pressed another finger at my entrance.

The stretch caught me a little off guard and it began to burn in an unpleasant way. I bit my lip to stop from making a noise because I know that if Louis realised I wasn't enjoying this he would stop immediately. Eventually I got used to the intrusion once again and he slowly began to crook his fingers around and press them against my walls in search for that one spot that would override any pain. The whole time he was doing this, he was staring me directly in the eye. 

The second his fingertip brushed over my prostate, I froze immediately in my spot. Louis stopped his movements at this, clearly thinking that it was too much for me. Instead I grabbed hold of his wrist so he couldn't remove his fingers and swivelled my hips at a specific angle, moaning when that feeling came back. Just like that, the slight pain that had been there previously disappeared into thin air and a smile broke out on his face.

He thrusted his digits into me multiple times now, always making sure to brush against that spot deep inside of me. I closed my eyes as pleasure engulfed me to a point I didn't think was possible, it was so much more intense than any other feeling I had previously felt. I wasn't entirely sure when he had edged a third finger in but I wasn't complaining either. I wanted him badly, and I wanted him now. Maybe I'd been ready for this for quite a while and had just not really thought about it previously, tried to push it to the back of my mind.

"Louis, please. I need you."

With my words, he immediately pulled his fingers out and wiped the leftover lube on the bedsheets. I watched in fascination as he opened the condom and slid it over his very hard member. I gulped lightly as some nerves came back to me, he was considerably larger than a few fingers. I couldn't back out now though. Once he'd covered himself with the cool liquid, he hovered gently over my body again. We stared at one another, seemingly trying to read each other's mind. As we were doing this, Louis carefully lined himself up at my entrance. After a few moments of silence, I pulled him down for a kiss and he slowly began to sink in.

Pain was something I was used to in both the mental and physical way. This however, was a strong contender for the worst. The stretch burned massively and I was struggling to keep my breath steady. My heart was beginning to speed up again and I could already sense flashbacks trying to make their way to the surface. Instead I shut my eyes and tried to make as little noise as I possibly could. Louis paused about half-way to lean over and kiss me once again. 

"Try and not tense up. I know it's hard, love, but it will hurt less then. Just focus on my voice, don't let it take over."

Somehow his words calmed me down once more. I wasn't hesitant about doing this but nerves were beginning to bubble over the edge but I had to contain them. He gave me a few moments to adjust to him and during this small time frame I tried to relax my body and try and not be so tense. I didn't know if it was working or not considering I've never been in this position before (willingly anyway), so I just hoped that something was working.

Once my breathing had come down to a normal pace again, I opened my eyes to stare deep into my boyfriends orbs. It might have been cliché but I definitely got lost in that truly gorgeous shade of blue every single time. He leaned over a bit more so his lips were millimetres apart from mine, whispering quietly to me to try and calm me down. After a couple more minutes, he slowly thrusted forward more and I had to bite my lip to stop the cry from breaking out.

It wasn't as painful as it was initially which I was taking to be a good thing. The second he bottomed out, he leaned down to deeply kiss me. I ignored how uncomfortable it was and instead focused solely on kissing him. I was surprised that I had remained so calm during this, I was so scared that I would freak out. He pulled away after a minute and leaned in towards my ear, whispering sweet nothings to me. 

I winced again as he slowly pulled out and pushed back in. It didn't hurt as badly as it did at first but it was still very much far from pleasurable in any way. Hopefully when he finds that spot again the pain will instantly disappear like it did with his fingers. At some point our lips found their way to each other again and each time he thrusted into me, it got more bearable. The first moan of pleasure that left my lips caused him to momentarily still in his movements.

With me now being used to his penetration, feelings of lust clouded my mind. At some point I had wrapped my leg around him again so he could press deeper into me. A sharp cry left my mouth as the tip rammed into my prostate. He stopped immediately in his thrusts instantly thinking the worst, but the second it registered it was a cry of pleasure he gave me a lopsided grin. 

I nodded again, silently giving him permission to speed up in his movements. With him now knowing the perfect angle that reached that sensitive bundle of nerves deep inside of me, I knew I was a goner. I was correct in my assumption as he aimed multiple thrusts in quick succession right there. Tears built up at the corners of my eyes and my lips were parted deeply. Soft grunts and moans leaving me in the process.

I buried my head back into the pillows as he grabbed me under my knees, lifting my body up slightly. I cocked an eyebrow up at him as he hooked my legs around his waist before he thrusted deep into me once again. It wasn't a massive change of position but it felt so much better. I could feel every single inch of him dragging inside, slowly working me into insanity. He drove himself harder into me and soon that familiar knotting sensation built up in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was very close to my high and with the way he was biting down hard on his lip I knew that he was too. Now, a feeling of recklessness overtook me as I spoke;

"Take the condom off, love. I want to feel all of you."

Whether he was thinking the same as me or he was just too lost in his mind right now, he wasted no time in ripping off the latex and grabbing the lube once more. It felt so much better with him bare, I wasn't going to deny it. I could now feel him drag more and this only worked me even closer to the edge. I bucked my hips slightly and that proved to be a good decision on my part as he once again hit my prostate with deadly precision.

Fuck, this felt so good. I was so glad that I had waited now because I knew if I hadn't it wouldn't have been anywhere near as passionate as this. Louis angled my hips weirdly again so he could lean over to kiss me deeply once more whilst driving further in. Trying to press as hard into me as he possibly could. Deeper moans were escaping both of us and my breathing was getting a little ragged. 

It only took him a couple of more calculated thrusts into me before my orgasm flushed through me. The whole time he kept up his quick yet loving pace. I've never felt something like this before, heat seemingly travelling to parts of my body I wasn't aware of, feeling like I was about to spontaneously combust on the spot. Louis followed soon after me and once he was finished, he collapsed on top of me as we fought to catch our breaths.

Once we had, he carefully pulled himself out and I hissed slightly as sensitivity kicked in. He rolled over onto his side so that we were facing one another and his fingers trailed lightly along my jawline. I opened my eyes again to look at him, searching for a non-verbal confirmation that he didn't regret this. I soon got my reply when he leaned in once again, planting a deep kiss on me despite both of our lips being bitten so much that they were sore. We'd finally combined together in a perfectly synchronised dance and I couldn't be happier in this moment in time.


	14. Thirteen

At first when I woke up, I was surprised to feel a pair of arms wrapped tightly around me. For a moment, I thought it might have been Gemma, but then I felt a rush of familiarity coursing through me. I opened my eyes and looked around, being careful to not come loose out of the grasp I was locked into and a smile came onto me at recognising my own bedroom. I shimmied back slightly and let out a small mewl of appreciation over the way Louis’ warm chest felt pressed against my back. I missed this, so much.

Whilst I was away on tour, I had honestly forgotten the way that his touch felt, the way that I felt electrified every time. Feelings of love rushing through my bloodstream and creating a feeling of euphoria around me. Despite Louis still being asleep, his subconscious seemed to react to my acceptance of his warmth as his arms tightened even more around me. Carefully, I turned myself around so that I was facing him. 

It still didn't feel real, that I was back home and he was here only a few inches from me. My hand lightly trailed along his jawline. He'd kept his stubble, something I loved about him. It was kind of an ongoing joke on my part after I once made the connection of him looking like an overgrown toddler when he shaved. At first, he was horrified by the comparison but he couldn't argue on it because he knew as well as I did that it was true. I inched forward slightly once again, so our chests were pressed against one another and I could just about feel the gentle thump of his beating heart.

It was only then that I caught something and it brought a deep smile to my face. Louis’ lips tightened ever so slightly. He was awake. With this realisation, I began to tickle him and the result was almost instantaneous. Within a few seconds, he was on his back with me above him laughing hysterically. Even something as simple as this made my heart swell, and steadily beat faster than it normally did. Had I only been home for less than twenty-four hours? It felt longer already but I knew I couldn't get too used to that considering I only have a few weeks off.

I only stopped in my incessant attack when a shooting pain made its way into my lower spine. Just like that, the memories of the night before came rushing back to me. How careful he was, how hesitant he was, how loving he was. I knew that intimacy was a big step in any relationship but in ours it wasn't even a big step. It was a giant gap, like trying to jump over a canyon successfully and not falling. I was so happy, and I realised now that it was Gemma's words to me that gave me that final burst of confidence I needed to fully give myself to my partner.

“What are you thinking about, love?”

I snapped out my thoughts and looked down to him, not wasting a single second before joining our just parted lips together. Within seconds, he had let me slip my tongue past his entrance and his fingertips were gripped into my hips, preventing me from moving. Eventually, I pulled away and turned to face him once more.

“Last night.”

Immediately, fright coated his eyes and I knew that he was immediately thinking that I regretted what had happened.

“I don't regret it, Louis. I'm so happy and I feel even more connected to you than I did previously.”

It was almost an automatic response for me to curl further into him like I was a snail and he was the shell. His front moulding my back perfectly and I made a noise close to the sound of a cat purr in contentment. I wasn't looking at him anymore but I could just sense the large smile he had plastered onto his face at this moment in time. I didn't want to move at all from our position. Not just because I know I'll be in pain when I finally do get out of bed, but because it has been so long since we'd last cuddled like this. 

For some reason, the fact that we'd made love to one another last night wasn't sinking in. I could still feel the way it felt, and how incredible I felt. We've always had an extremely deep connection but that had now intensified further. A bit like someone had tied a string between our bodies that was slowly being contracted as each day passed. Bringing us closer but at the same time making it harder to be apart. 

“So, what happens now?”

I frowned a little as his words spun around in my head, not quite making sense to me. 

“Like, is this going to be an occasion thing or?”

For a few seconds, I had no idea what he was talking about, but soon the jigsaw pieces clicked into place. It was a fair question, but I didn't have an answer. Not an absolute one anyway.

“I don't know, Louis. I don't think I'm ready for a fully blown sexual relationship despite last night being incredible in every way, but I don't want it to be an occasion thing either.”

He sighed a little which a lot of people would consider to be one of defeat, but I knew him. For him this was a sigh of understanding. It does bother me that we can't have a regular relationship not just with our different lives, but with me being mentally unstable made it a whole lot worse. 

“How about we take it as it goes? Honestly, I don't think I'm ready for a full blown sexual relationship either, love. This has only been my second time, my first time on top. But I don't want it to be a celebratory thing either.”

I nodded against him to let him know I knew exactly what he meant with his words. At times I forgot that he wasn't the most stable with the topic of sex and that he was just as nervous as I was with it.

“How are we going to figure this out? Like when it happens, do we take turns being on top? Or do we just do it in the one way?”

Normally, speaking about these kinds of things made my heart beat uncontrollably and not in a good way. That was solely down to an intense fear of being taken advantage of or being raped again, but that fear was lessened drastically. It was still there, and I'm sure it is a fear that I'll never truly overcome. That is ok though, and that is what made me calm over this.

“It actually is quite embarrassing that we’re so clueless over these things. I guess we just try it both ways and go from there?”

Again, I nodded but our silence was broken by a phone ringing. From the tone, I knew that it was mine. I really didn't want to get out of the comfy bed right now and I think Louis spotted this as well because he huffed jokingly before walking over to the bedside table that I had placed my phone on the night before. He frowned as he looked at the caller ID and this peaked my interest.

“It’s Lisa.”

My eyes widened and soon my heart began beating rapidly. He answered it and spoke to her for a couple of minutes whilst I strained to listen in. Eventually he passed it over to me and climbed back into bed with me, wrapping his arm tightly around my waist. She didn't tell me anything over the phone, but she asked if she could come over to talk something over. Once I hung up, I curled into Louis again for a few minutes before hastily getting out of bed.

I expected the ache in my backside to be almost unbearable, but it was a dull ache. I did have a bit of a limp as I moved but it wasn't too noticeable. I was just going to put on some trousers before meeting her but that changed when I heard Louis chuckling deeply. I gave him a weird look but he only pointed to the back of my legs. I walked over to the mirror that was on the wardrobe and stood at an angle to see what was so funny. For a few seconds, I didn't see anything but soon my face had turned bright red as I spotted the dried white patches on my skin. We probably should have cleaned ourselves up after we had finished but by then all we wanted to do was sleep. 

With that, I quickly jumped into a shower with Louis following close behind me. I had told Lisa to come around in an hour so we still had enough time to get dressed. It took me a bit longer than usual to do so considering I still ached quite a fair bit but I cannot deny that I loved the burning sensation. To pass the time we stripped the bed and the blush was very prominent on my face from the stain on the sheets and changing them over. As I was walking downstairs, it became pretty apparent the pain was slowly intensifying but it was still bearable to move. He'd been so careful to make sure I would be alright in the morning and that made me feel incredible. I was so lucky to have him.

Why was it that Lisa wanted to speak to me anyway? She had flown back a few days ago and she had told me before she left that she would talk to another qualified professional in her field about me possibly being bipolar. Could that be it? Was I about to be diagnosed with a third mental condition? I hope not, I just hope it's something else. It's not even a fear that I have anymore because I've been like this for so long, it's just that I don't want to be the way that I am. As much as I wanted to deny it, I knew that my therapist would not want to speak to me so urgently if it wasn't something important.

Louis asked me why I thought she was coming over and I couldn't do anything but tell him the truth. Once the words had left my mouth, he wasted no time in wrapping me tightly into a hug to offer some support which only made me fall a little bit deeper in love with him. Getting dressed was a task especially with the ache getting stronger as the seconds ticked by. Despite the pain, I couldn't wait to do this again with him. He was right though, we'd need to slowly ease one another into a relationship like this otherwise it would not end good for either of us.

Upon hearing the doorbell, I was positively sure my heart momentarily stopped. I was bloody terrified of what I might get told here. Louis quickly ran downstairs to let her inside and I was glad for this because I don't want any kind of judgement from Lisa over my own very prominent limp. She probably wouldn't because she's seen a lot of things but I wasn't going to risk it either. A few moments later, I walked into the living room and I gave her a smile before sitting down beside Louis, successfully managing to keep in the hiss of pain that was desperate to escape. 

“I’ve got some news regarding your mentality, Harry.”

The use of my name was clearly still awkward for her. It was not considered professional to be on a first-name basis but it made me feel more comfortable. And comfort was one of the first things needed before opening up to someone. She might only know the basics, but with her trained mind she had probably pieced a few other pieces together.

“Is this about him possibly being bipolar?”

Once again, I was not the tiniest bit surprised with my partners bluntness. Clearly though, Lisa had not been expecting him to just come out and say it which proved to her just how close we were. I knew she was going to try to incorporate him in one way or another into our weekly sessions as a way for me to try and get better.

“Well. I have good news and bad news, what one do you want to hear?”

I frowned at this and I realised I was knotting and tugging my fingers once again. I really need to try and kick this habit. From beside me I could feel the slight grin Louis had on his face which told me he had spotted I was doing it as well. I took a few minutes to myself and thankfully, they both didn't speak a word as I came to my conclusion;

“Good first, please.”

Louis’ hand immediately reached for mine and he gave it a gentle squeeze, letting me know silently that nothing was going to change between us.

“As you know, I suspected you might be mildly bipolar. Over the past three weeks I asked you to note down whenever you were feeling down or not.”

I nodded at this and I frowned slightly, where was she going with this?

“The last three days I have spoken with multiple other professionals, we found a pattern that might suggest that you have the condition, but it wasn't strong. As in, your symptoms were not the same. Between us all, we have concluded that you do not have bipolar disorder in any form.”

At hearing these words, a small laugh along with a huge grin erupted from me. Just like that, immense levels of happiness overcame me that I felt as though I could explode on the spot. Louis had other ideas as he turned my body to crush me into a tight hug. I blushed slightly at feeling him press a couple of short kisses to my cheek. However, these feelings of elation disappeared as I remembered there was bad news. Luckily, Lisa had given us a couple of minutes to enjoy before she began speaking;

“However, these patterns couldn't be ignored, and after hours of tedious analysis, it became pretty apparent that there is something else. It's nothing awful, can be treated easily enough with either medication or with therapy. It just takes time like multiple other mental conditions. There's definitive signs of you having post-traumatic stress disorder, Harry.”

Just like that, the elation I had been feeling moments before vanished into thin air. Memories floating around in my head of when my mum asked a professional all those years ago if I perhaps had it. At the time I was told I didn't but I had been diagnosed as clinically depressed. Had it just been missed or has this been something that has only developed over the last few years? Silence truly is a scary sound, and the funny thing is there is nowhere to escape specific feelings. These never last for long. This time however, nothing was going through my head apart from confusion.

“What?”

Louis’ one-worded question was enough to bring me to my senses once again as I stared at Lisa. She was simply looking back at the two of us with a stoic expression, but in her eyes I saw genuine guilt at delivering this news to me.

“I mean, how could something like that have been missed? Someone else brought it up years ago to a professional and it was shut down.”

For a moment, I had to wrack my brain for a conversation concerning this between the both of us. Or that was until I remembered I had given him my journal years ago, where I recorded some days in gruesome detail. 

“If I may ask, how old were you when this happened?”

It was like someone had taken the strongest glue available on the market and shut my mouth. My entire throat drying and almost forgetting what a voice was, and why it was used. Louis immediately noticed that I wasn't taking in the news so well as he gently squeezed my arm. This really made me feel bad because no partner should have to be cautious over such a small gesture. 

“I was fourteen, instead I was diagnosed as clinically depressed.”

She sighed a little bit as she carefully thought out a possible solution that might fill in the blanks. There was way too many of those and I was getting really fucking sick of it. 

“The symptoms can be easily mixed up with these two conditions. It is obvious that you have been depressed for quite a while, Harry. But PTSD is tricky, and it is usually triggered by a traumatic incident. This is what causes episodes, normally after something reminds a person of this traumatic incident.”

I blinked a few times before slowly turning my head to face Louis who was giving me the exact same look back. It made sense, everything had finally clicked together regarding my mentality. I had always considered my episodes to solely be down to me being depressed but they were never concise with other people in the same boat. Now I knew why that was. My episodes were linked to PTSD, because I always had them whenever something significant reminded me of my past.

“What are the available treatments for this?”

I carefully placed my hand on top of Louis’ fist which he was constantly forming and loosening. It was clear he wasn't taking it in as well as I was, not seeming to process in his brain. 

“There is medication available for prescription, and like I briefly touched upon it can be treated with more therapy.”

Immediately, I knew what one I wanted to go with.

“Therapy. I can't go back on medication again as the last big episode I had, I overdosed on my medication. I haven't been on any for nearing a year and I'm not going to change that because of another condition.”

I know that me speaking openly about my attempt was an extremely touchy subject regarding my boyfriend. Not just the fact that I had almost killed myself, but the fact that when he found me I was dead. He'd had to watch in agony as I was resuscitated. I think in the past year we have spoken about it so little that we could probably count it on two hands. I've gotten more comfortable with speaking about that horrible day because Lisa’s technique was to work backwards instead of from the very beginning. A technique that was genuinely working for me.

“Ok then, we can work out an extra day per week to deal with this or we can extend our normal weekly sessions. Whatever you prefer. But it is best if I know what the main thing is that causes these episodes.”

Once again, my entire mouth had gone dry to the point it felt like sawdust. In my head I was desperately trying to push the memories away but it was getting more difficult to do that. Things I'd forced myself to forget yet hadn't totally forgotten. Things I'd convinced myself to be the product of an overactive mind but had actually occurred. Louis was stiff against me again and I could feel his arm wrapped tightly around me to try and keep me from losing myself once again.

“A death perhaps? Witnessing something you shouldn't have? Or experienced abuse of any form?”

I hated hearing that word. It was only five little letters that get passed around so often and something so many people experience on a daily basis. From the way I stiffened up was enough of a confirmation for Lisa and a few seconds later, I felt her hand very gently rub my shoulder. Normally people would squeeze me gently to let me know they were there for me, but she had experience with people like me. She knew that the softest physical touch or no physical touch was better. The only person I was comfortable in touching me in any other way on a bad day was Louis.

Lisa stayed for roughly another hour and much to my surprise she didn't bring up anything else. She knew exactly what she was doing, and she knew exactly how to approach the situation. Slowly, she was going to incorporate heavier topics of discussion until I eventually cracked open my tough outer shell and spilled everything. From there we could work backwards and hopefully get better. Of course, it wasn't certain that I would get better, but I had to remain optimistic. 

“You didn't have a panic attack talking about it.”

Louis’ simple statement broke the silence between us and also successfully brought me out of the huge maze inside my head right now.

“I didn't talk though, I just reacted when she was suggesting possibilities.”

Deep down, I know I should be elated at having an explanation for why my episodes were the way they were, but I wasn't. I felt like someone had taken a spoon and scooped out every emotion my body could muster and leaving me completely numb for eternity. I felt so exposed, so isolated, and terrified. Why wasn't I happy? This feeling wasn't anything new to me, I'd felt exactly the same when I'd been diagnosed as clinically depressed almost seven years ago. 

It really didn't feel like it had been that long. In two months time I will be turning twenty-one and a few days after will be the seventh year marking my twins death. In two months it will have been seven years since I first got an explanation for mentally being the way that I am. For a lot of people, the number seven is considered lucky, but for me it clearly wasn't. I had no lucky numbers or charms of any form, and that only made me feel more different from everyone else in the world.


	15. Fourteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains what could be triggering content, you've been warned.

Intrusion.

It’s crazy how one word can mean so many things, can stand for so many things. Not just in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense. It was only nine little letters, but those letters meant so much to me on a level that most days, I was terrified. And that is what scares me more, that I’m scared of being scared. So much that I’ve been through that now there isn’t just one thing I fear now, it’s multiple things but it all eventually goes back to the same word.

I should be used to it, being in the industry that I am. Every day, there are rumours being spread about me, people lurking in bushes trying to get pictures of me to up their pay-check, people wanting to tear me down into nothing. However, the latter would never succeed. How could I be torn down into pieces when I was already shattered? My thoughts were my solace, but at the same time they were my worst enemy. If people knew what really goes on in my head every single waking moment, they would immediately recoil back in absolute horror.

And that would just be what goes on inside my head, fuck knows how people would react if they ever found out what happened to me to have me be like this. I can’t even remember a time in my life where I was not like this. But at some point, I was, I was simply just way too young to have any recollection of it. I’m fucked up, there is no other way around it. No other way for me to describe what I’m like.

At some point in my short twenty years, I had been a King in a castle, nothing could break me. But then I was pushed from a tower, my body crumpling underneath me. After this, I had been dragged through a thorn bush, leaving thousands of scratches on my pale skin. Been forced to drink poison so I was burnt from the inside out. Then I’d been drowned, completely helpless and the only thing I could so was accept defeat. I’ve been betrayed, and I’ve been hurt. The only thing I could think of to describe what I was, was a candle. At first, they are in perfect condition, but as the wick shortens and the wax melts, the scent gets weaker until there is a faint burning smell, and finally there is nothing left. Just a glass case or nothing at all, for anyone and everyone to look in to.

That’s what I was, just an empty shell. Tens of millions of people analysing every movement I make, every word that I say, every reaction to certain things that are completely natural. I hate feeling like this, but at the same time it’s the only way I’ve felt for so many years that I’m scared to be anything else. The only time I ever felt like my old self was when I was with my sister and Louis. Even then though, I felt like I was a fraud, despite them knowing everything. One day, I am going to crack and people are going to know the shit that I’ve gone through and just how messed up I really am, and I’m dreading on that day. 

I just want to fly away somewhere and never come back. Go to a tiny island with less than one hundred people living on it, where internet didn’t exist, where signal didn’t exist in general. Cut myself off from everyone, and start anew. Try and get over everything that I’ve gone through. Deep down though, that isn’t going to happen. It can’t happen, because everything about me is exposed to people. It wouldn’t be difficult if any of my fans ever came across the police reports from over a decade concerning me and my twin. It isn’t difficult to see the scars that litter my arms. It isn’t difficult for people to see that most of my smiles are fake, and my laughs are only hollow. The only thing that was difficult, was acceptance. People don’t want to accept that us who seemingly have everything we want, can be just as fucked up as them in the head. Maybe even more in some cases. 

I hate it, I fucking hate it. But I also cannot change it. 

I was alone right now, Louis having to leave at 10am for an exam he had over an hour later. He always wanted to get to campus at least an hour in advance before he had one, claimed that it helped him cram better beforehand. He’s been studying ridiculously hard, but he always separates a couple of hours every day to spend with me. Whether that be cuddling, watching a film, playing a video game, kissing, or sharing an intimate moment with each other. A week had passed since my diagnoses of having PTSD, and I was still struggling to accept it.

I don’t want to admit that I have a problem, but in my head, I know I do. To me, labels create an unnecessary barrier around people that was difficult to cross. I wish people would just be people, and admit to themselves that they aren’t normal. Nobody is. Everyone has secrets that they are desperate to keep inside, or even try to convince themselves that it was a fake memory, or even a dream. I unfortunately cannot do that. I can still remember the horror on my mum’s face after I had been examined thoroughly as she saw the bruises that covered my skin. Caused by her husband, someone that kept a disgusting secret to himself. The anger that coated her eyes when a doctor confirmed there was evidence of ejaculation in my tiny body- proof of what happened. 

“Can you explain how you feel, Harry?”

I snapped out of my daze and finally came to my senses once again. The cream walls of Lisa’s office coming into focus. The hard chair underneath me creating aches on my body, the smell of her vanilla scented candle sitting in a corner nearby. Her sitting at the opposite side of the table, her elbows rested on the wood and her chin rested in her palm. She had her pen swirling around in between her index and middle finger, a notepad in front of her. Ever since my diagnosis seven days ago and I had agreed to having more therapy instead of taking medication, she had stated it would be best for me to come to her instead of her coming to me.

Of course, I knew why this was. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel so exposed, so open to her. It was almost a natural response for me to curl up in the seat into a tight ball and hope everything would just disappear and leave me in my thoughts once again, thoughts that were slowly destroying me from the inside out. Underneath the wood, my fingernails that I hadn’t cut in almost a fortnight were running along my wrist. I relished the sharp pain that came with it and I know that by the end of our session, there would likely be dried blood underneath them. Then I would go home and Louis would give me a disappointed look before hugging me tightly, letting me cry into his shoulder.

“How can I explain something that I’m not?”

She sighed a little bit and wrote down my response, and annotated it slightly. It was always her first question during one of our sessions, and almost every session my answer was the same. She was patient however, and she’s dealt with people like me for years. If there was anyone I could trust with my secrets, it was her. 

“Why don’t you talk about what goes through your head?”

I closed my eyes and lifted my legs, letting my heels be on the edge of the seat and I tightened my arms around my knees. I wanted to hide my head, not show her my facial expressions. Or lack of expressions I should more say. But that wasn’t possible, considering she had locked the door and I had left my coat in my car. 

“There’s too much that goes on in my head, entangling together like fabric and thread. Sewn together in a way that there is a huge design inside my head, and the design is anything but pretty.”

Once again, her pen scribbled on her notepad and I started to dig my fingernails harder into my wrist, relishing in the slight euphoria that erupted through my body.

“Do you ever feel like you need to be punished for something that was out of your control?”

At the question, my throat immediately clenched shut, my breath momentarily closed off. Every session, another question that had never been asked before was woven into our conversation, and this was one of them. I managed to stop myself from scratching and from a quick glance, I saw a single stream of blood running down my skin, and the area around it bright pink from irritation. My body telling me to stop but my head telling me to continue.

“I’m not in control of myself, and I need something that lets me have control.”

Hesitantly, she reached over and took hold of my arm. I let her, and her eyes ran over the old scars and the newest that had been made only a few minutes before. No one knew about this. Louis had told me he didn’t want me to cut myself again, but I wasn’t technically cutting, I was scratching. Or that is what I was trying to convince myself.

“How long is it that you’ve been inflicting harm upon yourself? Can you tell me what goes through your head when you are?”

My heartbeat was slowly speeding up. Panic beginning to seep into my bones. I really didn’t want to speak, but the want to get better triumphed. So, I forced myself to talk;

“I don’t know when. I don’t remember the first time I did it. Up until I was eighteen, I would grab anything with a sharp edge or something that could be broken to give a sharp edge, I would drag through my skin. I feel in control of myself when I do it, and when the realisation sinks in on what I’ve done I feel terrified of myself. Like I have two sides of me, one that is desperate to get better, and the other side wanting more hurt. After I turned eighteen, I tried to stop cutting, I really did. I went about a month without it before I couldn’t handle it anymore and I did it again, when my dad found out what was going on, he suggested something else. 

“That was when I got my first tattoo, a star on my left arm. It’s small, and it has five points on it. Five major things in my life shaping me into the person that I am now. It looks so simple, it’s just an outline, but that was done on purpose. If these five things hadn’t happened, I might not be broken on the inside. I wouldn’t have to fake happiness in public. I wouldn’t have to lie to keep this huge secret to myself.”

Once I had started talking, I couldn’t stop. Words flowing out of my mouth that had been begging to be spoken, but my mind wouldn’t allow it. Now that they had though, I felt even more exposed to her than I had previously.

“So, you consider your tattoos to be a form of self-harm?”

At her words, I froze as my eyes trailed down my left arm. For so long I had convinced myself that I’d had it done to honour my brother, keep up a stupid promise we made to one another at twelve years old. Slowly though, things I had convinced myself so many years ago were slowly crumbling. As much as I hated to admit it, she was correct. Hastily, I nodded. Once again, she wrote down what I was doing, already knowing I wasn’t going to give an audible response to the question.

“You touched on briefly there about five points in your life making you like this, are you comfortable to expand on the topic?”

No, I most certainly was not comfortable. But I was weak, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. The change in her expression was immediate, turning from one of a professional, to one of care. It’s only been two months since Niall had hired her on without my consent. Gosh Niall, I hadn’t spoken to him once since the whole kiss fiasco. I just wanted an explanation, and he had sworn dad to secrecy on it. It was only a few days ago that I had gotten comfortable in calling Bobby that instead of my adoptive parent. I had gone around for a catch up with him and the word slipped out. To put it simply, it had been a very emotional afternoon for us. Once again, I was speaking, and I couldn’t stop myself once I had begun;

“Five points in my life. The first one was the first beating. My father taking out his drunken anger on my brother and I. The second was- was when he was going to beat my brother in front of me, but I intervened. I thought he was going to beat me again like he did whenever he could, always in a place that my mum or sister wouldn’t see the bruises. Instead he locked me in my bedroom, and- “

I froze in my spot momentarily, refusing to look Lisa in the eye. Instead I wiped my tears on the back of my hand which I knew was useless considering I was going to be crying buckets soon. Once again, my fingernails travelled to my wrist and slowly ran up and down the skin, re-opening the wound I had already created.

“He raped me, I was eight Lisa. I was fucking eight and I had my virginity taken from me by someone I should love unconditionally. The third was when Marcel took his own life, when I quite literally held his body to mine, refusing to admit that he was already gone. The fourth time was a car crash, when my mum passed away along with my step-dad. The fifth was when my family disowned me for being gay and I was left to starve on the streets.”

I’d done it. Finally, after a lot of begging from my boyfriend, I had told someone else. Her expression was still stoic, but her eyes spoke a different story. In the hazel iris’, I could see the shock. I looked down to my wrist again and my eyes widened at the amount of blood that was now coating me. Fuck, I had messed up. I hated breaking promises, but breaking promises I’d made someone that I love to pieces was worse. I could always try and hide it from him, but he always found out. I was just going to have to outright tell him. 

“Thank you for telling me, Harry. Our session is over. If you ever need someone to talk to, you have my number. I’m not supposed to care for a client because when the time comes that I am no longer needed, it could create a dependency. But I cannot deny that I have grown rather fond of you.”

It wasn’t a lot of words, but it meant the world to me. Fear ruled my world for me, I was the puppet at the end of the strings which some evil force was controlling. The evil force being the darkest parts of my mind. She passed me a tissue, which I used to wipe up my bloody wrist. Just as I was about to leave, I did something I never thought I would do. I walked over and pulled her in for a tight hug, silently letting her know that I had grown fond of her as well. She was right however, eventually I would be considered ‘healthy’ enough to not need a therapist, and then she would be old news. Whilst she was news though, I was going to take everything in. 

My head might not want to cooperate, but my heart did. And for one of the first times in my life, the latter was winning.

The drive home was uneventful. That was the only way that I could put it. I didn’t have the radio on, refusing to drown myself in something other than my torturous thoughts. Louis would be home by now, and I knew I had to tell him. Either way, he is not going to be happy. If I played my cards right however, he might just simply accept it. I had made a big step today, letting Lisa in on some of the darkest days. I spotted Louis’ car immediately in my driveway once I turned onto my street, the small black Porsche that Jay had saved up for nineteen years to get him. 

When I walked inside, I spotted him sitting spread eagled on the floor, a large smile on his face. I chuckled lightly and soon he had stood up and pulled me in close to him. I hugged him back tightly, my subconscious making sure to cover my wrist. Trying to hide what had happened. I only pulled back to stare him straight in the eye. He leaned in slightly, assuming I was going to kiss him and it was obvious he was feeling rejected when I pulled away. My eyes trailed down to my wrist once more and after a few quiet seconds, his eyes trailed down as well. His fingers soon grasped my fist lightly and he pulled my arm out, flipping it so he could see the mess that I had caused. His free hand immediately covering his mouth at what he saw, desperately trying not to cry.

“Harry, you promised me you wouldn’t cut yourself again- “

“I didn’t cut myself, Louis. I scratched so much that I broke skin.”

A single tear fell from his eyes as he stared at my face.

“You’re still hurting yourself. Harry, it’s not a good way to deal with things- “

“I told her. I told Lisa. About the beatings. About the rape. About everything.”

Just like that, understanding dawned upon him and like I assumed, he had soon wrapped me into a very tight hug. I couldn’t hold the sobs in now, immense levels of gratefulness overcoming me for him. For just how amazing he was, for how accepting he was of me.

“I’m so proud of you, love. I’m assuming this has been the first time you’ve done it again?”

I nodded immediately, him being able to read me like a book, knowing I was telling the truth. Apparently, something about one of my eyes twitching whenever I lie.

“You’ve come so far Harry. Not just in your mental health, but us relationship health as well.”

I blushed at what he was implying. We hadn’t done anything physical apart from kiss since last week, but I was ok with that, and so was he. We’re both terrified of completely giving ourselves to one another. Eventually, we will get to a point where we aren’t like this, when we can have a regular relationship. Well, as regular a relationship we can have what with me being in the entertainment industry and him being a student.


	16. Fifteen.

Fear was gripping me tightly again, a feeling I knew and understood far too well. I hate feeling like this but as every day goes by, these days are slowly dwindling. It had been four days since my last session with Lisa and since I had scratched so hard I’d made myself bleed. There was still a very obvious scab on my wrist and any time I had been outside I had taken special precautions to cover it as much as I possibly could. I don’t want people to see. There are so many people who think that once a mental illness is overcome momentarily that is it. This was not the case for at least 99% of cases.

It needs to be looked at like someone who has gone through rehab. Nobody comes out of a facility designed for this that don’t at least think about what they were in there for. There are some cases where people momentarily relapse- like I had. Where they only fall under for a few seconds, a few minutes, maybe a day. But never being addicted again. Then there are the often cases where someone completely relapses. At this moment, I was teetering on a very thin line between the second and third answer, but this time I was determined to never cross that line again.

It’s been just over two years since I’d been addicted to harming myself, but there have been a minuscule five times where I’ve had a momentary relapse. The last being four days ago. As disgusting as it is, the more times I look at it, the more determined I am to actually get better. This was a good mindset for me to have, and both Louis and Lisa agree with me on it. I was even more determined for someone else though, my sister. Which was why we were meeting up with her today for lunch.

The fact it would be the first time that my partner was going to meet someone from my biological family frightened me a little. But I no longer want to hide anything from her. I’d done that years ago and it didn’t end up good at all. And history was something I do not want to repeat itself under any circumstances. I quickly checked over what I was wearing in the mirror, wanting to make some sort of impression with my boyfriend. I had my usual skinny jeans on, along with a red and brown patterned shirt, the top few buttons undone to show off pieces of my chest tattoos.

I quickly grabbed my Gucci jacket that Louis had gotten me for my birthday this year, he’d saved up for months to get it. But he simply stated that I had gotten him and his family nice things occasionally and he wanted to treat me to something nice too. Louis walked up behind me and wrapped his right arm around my waist, a silent comforting mechanism. I knew he was more terrified than I am about being introduced to Gemma. After all, like myself, he thought she had been dead for six years. He was wearing a pair of regular jeans, Adidas trainers, and a light blue shirt. 

I pulled him in for a quick kiss, letting him know that he wasn’t alone. We made our way downstairs to get our phones and keys, before making our way outside. It had started snowing through the night and a thin layer of it had covered the ground. I turned to face Louis with a silent question over who was going to drive, I immediately got my answer. I pulled him in tight again and rubbed his back lightly;

“She’ll like you, Louis. She’s probably just as scared as you are right now over meeting for the first time.”

He only looked away for a few moments at my statement. He knew that I was right but at least he has a very good reason to be scared. He feels that if by some miracle she doesn’t like him, that I’ll dump him. Like fuck that is happening. Honestly, there have been times where things have gotten really bad between us- one time in particular. Even from that we’d recovered. Yes, it had been slow, but we came out the other end stronger than we were going in. Despite these hard times, I have had thoughts about our future. 

Which was why I let him have a few minutes to himself to collect his thoughts. Whatever happens today, nothing is going to change in our dynamic. He doesn’t have any need to be scared because Gemma immediately liked him when I told her he only supported me when he found out about my mental state. After what felt like an hour but had only been a little while, I felt him squeeze my palm to let me know he was ready. I gave him a large smile before opening the door for him, Louis rolling his eyes in the process. 

Luckily, we’d agreed to meet up at a coffee shop just outside of the city. That way there would be less chances of me being recognised and being ambushed. Also, it was good because we would have some privacy over a very important meeting. Out of my peripheral vision, I caught Louis looking down to his clasped palms which he occasionally opened to wipe sweat on his jeans. Gently, I cupped his hands and rubbed my thumb over his exposed knuckles. It didn’t do much to help him with his nerves, but it was enough to stop him from driving himself nuts with it.

It was roughly forty minutes until we arrived at our destination. I quickly parked the car and turned to face him, leaning over and pulling him in for a tight hug. When I pulled away, I placed my hands on his own and looked him deep in the eye. He leaned in first and I didn’t hesitate to meet him halfway. We didn’t kiss for very long, only a few seconds actually, but it seemed to give him a final boost of confidence. He let out a huff before stepping out of the car. As soon as we walked inside, it didn’t take me long to spot my sister- her newly dyed bubblegum pink hair standing out against the black and silver décor.

Louis immediately froze in his step, his eyes staring at the three-year-older girl he never thought he would get to meet. She hadn’t spotted us yet which I suppose was a good thing because then he wouldn’t get embarrassed over how scared he really was.

“Lou, if you’re not ready for this, it doesn’t need to be today.”

For a few seconds, it seemed as though he was considering it. But after a few more seconds, he nodded his head and gave me a bright smile. Gently, I grabbed his hand and slowly led him over to the booth she was sitting in. Once we were a couple of feet from her, she finally lifted her head and stood up to pull me into a tight hug. It didn’t feel like it, only a month ago I still believed she was dead. Once she let me go, she wasted no time at all in pulling Louis into a tight hug as well. He let out a surprised squeak at the embrace, clearly not expecting it.

“Thank you for being there for him when I couldn’t be.”

I only smiled on at their meeting, a warm feeling spreading through to my bones. Hastily, he returned the hug as well, muttering something into her ear I couldn’t hear. Whatever it was though clearly had some kind of impact on her as her eyes widened before looking at him. Now, I was curious as to what it was he said but I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me and neither was she. She nodded her head discretely which confused me slightly but with the bright smile Louis was wearing right now made me feel incredible.

His smile was always something I loved about him. The way his teeth just showed and the outline of what could be classified as a dimple on his cheeks. As cheesy as it sounds, his face lit up whenever he smiled and it always made my heart skip a beat in its natural rhythm. Eventually, we all sat down, him not hesitating to wrap an arm around my waist. 

“Sorry by the way, about all the confusion about these stupid rumours that spread when we got each other back.”

I coughed a little, causing my drink to go down the wrong way. I had forgotten about that stupid rumour which had made Louis think I was being unfaithful. I hate that part to this life, the constant scrutiny that surrounds me.

“So, did you enjoy the little coming home gift I left for you?”

Our embarrassment was enough for her. We didn’t even need to say anything, she can read me like an open book. There’s no way she’d believe either of us if we said we didn’t put them to good use. I still can’t believe she did that though, maybe I should have kept the fact that I’m in a serious relationship from her for a little.

“How are things going with you and Michal? Still going strong?”

A smug grin took over me when she acted quite coy, a deep pink tint on her cheeks only accentuated with her new hair colour. 

“Things are great, actually. He asked me to move in with him a few days ago and we’re going to start looking at houses in the next couple of weeks. It’ll take time though because not every landlord allows pets and I’ve got the cat- “

Louis immediately laughed at that which caused the two of us to give him a weird look. What was so funny?

“Sorry, I just find your similarities funny. He’s got a cat as well, the thing hates me.”

My mouth fell open now as I turned to him.

“Hey, Ash does not hate you. You just like to chase him away from you.”

“Yeah, after he scratches me.”

I just shook my head at the obvious lie. There was no use arguing with him. I’ve seen the cat curl up into his side before and I’ve watched him tickle him under his neck which he loves. He just won’t admit it because he wants a dog, but I have no idea how Ash would take to that.

“Of all things you argue over, you argue over whether or not he likes the cat. Amazing.”

Just like that, we both backed down with our cheeks burning in embarrassment. We really do have ridiculous fights, but I would happily take stupid fights over serious fights. 

"Just bribe the landlord, that's what he did in his old flat."

Now, a laugh escaped me as I remembered telling him that. I tried my best not to think about living there considering how it ended. But as much as I tried to do so, I cannot deny the amazing things that did happen there. To first properly speaking to Louis, to finally being told that we could announce our relationship, sharing our first intimate moment with one another. Gemma snorted loud at Louis' suggestion and she turned to me with an expectant look on her face. I threw my hands up in mock surrender before saying;

"I offered him an extra £150 per month if I could keep the cat. He didn't argue with me on it as long as he didn't spray in the halls."

Beside me, a large grin was covering my boyfriends face. I can remember telling him the little arrangement I made with him, and how hilarious he found it. 

"Clever way around it, I'll keep that in mind. What about you, Louis? You got any pets?"

I took a sip of my coffee before turning slightly to look at him. He sighed a little and I immediately knew what he was thinking about. He's already expressed a distaste in his own landlord for charging as much as he does for such a small place (he charged £1450 per month before bills). But he's under lease and he doesn't want to get into any legal disputes. At least he's learned not to go with somewhere just because it was convenient location wise.

"No. I have quite a small flat, it's basically a studio. Also, I work often and I'm also studying English at UCL. I don't have the time, space, or money to own a pet. I'd love a dog, perhaps a lizard at some stage."

As he spoke, he stirred his spoon in his mug of earl grey, his eyebrows furrowed in the centre of his forehead in deep thought. I turned to my sister and finished speaking for him because he clearly wasn't.

"His landlord charges a ridiculous amount for the flat, he basically just has enough to make ends meet with his loans and work. And like he said, he doesn't have the time for a more dependent animal."

She nodded solemnly as she stared on at him.

"What is it you want to do with your life anyway? I'm assuming something to do with English since that's what your degree is in."

He bit his lip hard as he carefully thought. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him close to me. I kissed his cheek softly and tried my best to ignore the cooing noise Gemma made at the exchange.

"Teaching maybe. Perhaps writing of some form. Your brother got me into a habit of writing out my feelings and it's something I enjoy doing. But it's a tricky field to not only get into but to get recognition in. I don't want to be one of these people on the side making the bare minimum or even below minimum wage."

Now, I rubbed his side a little, letting him talk about his worries for his future. He doesn't want to leech off me or anyone really. That's something I love about him. That he isn't with me for the fame, nor for the money, or the fancy cars, the expansive clothes. He's with me for me. That was one of my biggest insecurities when we started getting close to one another. That he would use me, try and get information that he could use against me.

"If it's any consolidation. The company I work for has available paid internships. I could put in a word for you if you want to try it out. I'm pretty certain the pay is £11.50 an hour to start out with."

I leaned forward in interest. That was a decent pay for a lower position. I knew he was considering it as his ears perked up in interest. He's been looking for other work that had a higher salary so he had a little more left over at the end of each month. It's been tight for him, and it hurts to think about. To me, it's like a silent slap to the face at just how different our lives are. But at the same time, they are also incredibly similar.

"That would be amazing, Gemma. I've actually been looking for another job since where I work now only just pays the bills and feeds me- "

I snorted at this and turned to him;

"You're always at either mine, your mums, or we go out to eat."

He rolled his eyes in annoyance but I caught the tiny smile that played on his lips. He couldn't argue back which amused me greatly. There wasn't much that I could win when we got into any ridiculous argument, but this was one of the few times. I will be making sure to never let him forget this encounter. Gemma was sniggering under her breath at our immature bickering. She probably can't remember a time where I was so happy. I might not be all the time and I'm constantly fighting a losing battle, but it doesn't mean I can't be. 

"Hey, I'm a shit cook. Can you not remember the pancake incident last year?"

Now, I covered my face with my free palm, desperately trying to stop howling with laughter. I've already caught a few people look over at us weirdly and I don't want to draw attention to us. We get enough of that on a daily basis. Gemma was leaning over the table, waiting on someone to explain the inside joke.

"I attempted to be romantic last year at one point by making him breakfast in bed. I didn't succeed."

A short short left before I cut in;

"He managed to burn them and he set off every single fire alarm in the house. So it wasn't the romantic wake up call he wanted it to be and I just about shit myself at the noise."

Her hand covered her mouth as she fought to contain her amusement. She shook her head back and forth with a ridiculous smile stretched across her face. I knew she was hesitant to meet Louis, in case he wasn't the person I had painted him out to be. But now she knew he was what I said he was. We didn't stay for much longer and I hugged her tightly to me. Even now, a month later it still felt surreal that she was here. That she was alive. Once I let her go, she pulled Louis in for a tight hug as well. He whispered something into her ear and she nodded frantically again, a slight irritated look on her face. What did he say to her?

"Of course, I'll be more than happy for it. But you'd better give me an invitation."

He snorted again and it was clearly louder than he expected because he covered his nose with a shocked look on his face. Probably wondering how such a noise could come out of him. There was just one thing annoying me now. It was obvious Louis was planning something, and something big. What bothered me more though was that my sister knew what he was planning, and there was no way she was going to tell me anything regarding it.


	17. Sixteen.

My throat was dry. As it has been for so long. Normally, whenever a person has dry mouth, it means they are nervous or they are sick. For me though, like a lot of things, this didn’t apply to me. So many normal things that should be natural that people experience are useless to me. It’s a funny thing, how a single diagnosis can change everything. Right now, that wasn’t any different as I stared at Lisa across from me.

This was my third session that was directed towards the PTSD. I had three therapy sessions a week; two for my most recent diagnosis, and the other for the depression. The latter of these problems isn’t my main priority right now. That’s simply because I’ve gotten used to it, and found a healthy way to cope well and to remain at a medium. I looked up at the clock on the wall, watching as the hands slowly moved in a clockwise direction.

I wish I could turn back time and fix everything. I want to be a five-year-old again and to tell my mum immediately what was happening. I want to be twelve again, so I could help my brother more when he was breaking again. I want to be fourteen again and not ignore that text from my mum, possibly saving my brothers life. I want to be fifteen again, so I could react better to the crash and find out why there was such a huge mixup in files. But unfortunately, that cannot happen.

I can vaguely remember a time where Louis used a stupid analogy to describe what I am, and what people see me as. I’m like a smashed vase that had been pieced back together. Looking the same on the outside, yet being so much more fragile than I had been previously. Where unexperienced people would see past the cracks and chips, yet experienced people see right through it. It’s always there in plain sight, but most people will never notice it unless it is pointed out to them.

That terrifies me. One day I am going to have to tell people, and I know it is going to generate a lot of unwanted attention towards me. I should be used to attention, being a world-known singer. Not even just the singing, my writing. I’ve written a lot of songs for other artists under a pseudonym, some of which are incredibly detailed. None of the other singers who took them on know it was me who wrote them, I made sure to pull strings so that it wasn’t obvious in any way.

Are you convincing yourself you’re not ready, or are you genuinely not ready?

Gemma had only meant it as a simple question, not meaning anything. Well, not in this type of context. She had meant it to give me advice over my intense fear of sex. Now, that fear didn’t exist on a similar level anymore. It was still there, buried away under dozens of layers. I’ve still not talked to Louis about what this means for us. The furthest we had gotten was admitting we didn’t want it to be an occasional thing.

Lisa was asking me multiple questions, slowly beginning to make a connection to everything. Her technique wasn’t a common method because it can have a nasty effect on the patient. I’m certain that there are other people in this profession who believe this is almost cruel. My old therapist used the more common method of starting from the beginning, and it didn’t help. At all. That was why Niall hired Lisa, when he told me about her he had also told me that she had been difficult to find. 

She worked backwards. Starting from now and going right back to the beginning. It brought up multiple tears and also me wanting to take something sharp to my skin. But I didn’t allow myself to fall under. It had only happened once and I refused to fall back under. The scab that had been on my wrist days before had gone but the skin was still slightly pink where it had resided. Once Lisa had gotten what she needed, she began working on her decision on if there was either a pattern, or a specific root. 

Of course, everything that had happened to me shaped me into the way I am today. But there is a possibility that it was one tragedy that triggered my mentality. My feet were rested on the edge of the seat again, my arms wrapped tightly around my legs and pulling them as close as possible to my body. It’s a position of fear and vulnerability. Naturally, I’m vulnerable because I don’t want to let people in or to see what I’m really like. Also, I’m scared to talk about things.

“You’ve spoken about nightmares before, have any of these been memories?”

I bit my lip hard, but not enough to split the skin. My heart was hammering away inside my rib cage like a jackhammer. Thoughts spinning around inside my head at an abnormal rate. Beads of sweat forming on my skin. Goosebumps rising on my arms. I rocked back and forth slightly, and I attempted to pull my legs closer to my body. I nodded in confirmation. She wrote this down but I knew she wasn’t going to barge in on what they were just yet. No, that would be the next session.

“Have you had nightmares over things that might happen or of a slightly different circumstance? I mean, there being different people involved?”

I let out a shaky breath, and nodded again. I wasn’t speaking as much during this session which she had taken note of. Ever since I had told her- despite it being vague- I found it difficult to speak. She wrote down what I had confirmed. Once again, she annotated them slightly. I was glad that she done it piece by piece instead of all together, that way her work was incredibly thorough. 

“Lastly, have you ever had nightmares which fit into neither of these categories?”

I frowned now as I thought. I knew I was going to have to be precise here because if I wasn’t, her work this session would be pointless. Every session catered to something different. Naturally, this one was aimed towards the terrors that plague me a lot of nights. Only two days ago I had woken up screaming in a cold sweat, with Louis holding me tight as I calmed down enough to go about my day. There were a few now that I thought about it. But what was she getting at with this? Was she still trying to distinguish a link or was she just wanting as much information as possible? My silence was all she needed. I watched transfixed as her pen glided across the page, her neat handwriting almost mesmerising in a sense. 

Ever since that one time when I had hurt myself again, I told myself I would find something to distract myself in case it got bad again. It didn’t take me long to get captured by her writing. The one thing that helped me keep my head level and also allowed me to let out everything I was feeling. 

“Is it possible these are memories?”

This caught my attention and I raised my head to look directly in to her eyes. Analysing something that I didn’t know. She must have spotted how confused I was over this proposition because she continued;

“It is common in cases like yours, Harry. For a person to shut everything away and over many years, convincing themselves that certain topics did not occur. It happens more often than you may think, and a lot of people who do it, do so without even thinking. It’s called suppression and before you ask, it isn’t a mental condition. It’s just a natural response. Do you think it might be possible, that these- dreams shall we say- are the product of suppression?”

Tears had formed in my eyes as she spoke, but not a single one fell. My body felt stiff and uncooperative. Her words hit a nerve deep inside of me. But for some reason, something in my mind was telling me that her words rung some truth for me. Perhaps not to the extent that she was implying, but it was possible.

“If I do suppress memories as such, would they just not come back when I thought about them?”

She tapped her pen on the table lightly before placing it on the wood, and leaning over slightly. I knew why she was doing this, because it showed less authority. It’s amazing really what something as meagre as body language can do. How it can affect someone’s opinion, how it can occasionally catch out a lie, or even tell a person what was going through your mind.

“Not necessarily. If it’s been happening for a while, these memories will start to feel like the product of an overactive imagination. Can you do something for me, Harry?”

I didn’t answer as her words sunk in. These memories can feel like the product of an overactive imagination. But how bad could a memory be that it doesn’t feel real? Where it feels like some twisted fantasy novel? Surely if I done this, it would be the memories that torture me I would have suppressed?

“Over the next month, I would like you to transcribe these night terrors that fall into neither of the two scenarios. From there, we can figure out if these are based on memories you have convinced yourself did not exist. Our session is over.”

She smiled at me warmly, but I couldn’t find it in me to return the favour. I left with more questions running through me- neither with an answer- to the amount of questions she had asked me today.

My journey home was weird. It was common for me to have these conflicting emotions immediately after a session. I’d even researched it and I’d also spoken to some people (under a fake name), and it was such a relief that it wasn’t just me. At times, I really do feel isolated despite everything that goes on around me and it’s such a reassurance to have that check in reality. Like most days in the city, the traffic was horrendous, but I wasn’t going to complain. I’ve gotten used to it after living here for so long, even if I’d been in a nasty area and been homeless at one point.

Gosh, that was less than five years ago. It really doesn’t feel like that considering how my life turned out. How just that one single meeting with a young boy busking had affected me. I bit my lip as I thought of Niall. I hadn’t spoken to him once after the whole kiss thing. Was I angry with him for doing so? Yes. Was I annoyed at him for doing so? Yes. But was I angry or annoyed with him as a person? No. 

How could I be angry with the person who quite literally saved my life? How could I be annoyed with the person who unintentionally helped me get into this industry professionally? If he didn’t spot my guitar or my lyrics, would I be here? I would never know the answer to that question. Life is so unpredictable, and that makes the idea of living terrifying but intriguing at the same time.

When I got home, I immediately spotted Louis’ car in the driveway. It wasn’t unusual for me to see considering he was here often, but what was unusual was that he had suitcases in the back. What was he doing? I jumped out my own vehicle and walked inside, immediately looking for him. I didn’t need to look far because he was sitting on the couch with his fingers tangled in his hair, tugging on the strands. It’s a habit of his and he does it whenever he is severely stressed out.

“What’s wrong, love?”

He jumped at my voice, telling me how out of tune he was currently. He turned around and it was clear to see his eyes were bloodshot and around them were puffy. Immediately, I ran over and scooped him into a very tight hug. I rubbed his back gently and hushing him quietly.

“He evicted me. Dick didn’t even notify me until a couple of hours ago when, get this, he had a young couple scheduled to view the flat.”

My eyes widened as his words sank in. Surely that was illegal? I pulled away and looked him in the eye, and all I saw was truth. I’ve always been able to spot when he isn’t being honest with me, as has he with me. He obviously caught on to what I was thinking as he continued;

“I didn’t pay all of this months rent. I paid a large chunk of it, but he was mad when I explained I couldn’t afford the remaining. Before you say anything, I don’t want you to help me, Harry. I don’t want to feel like I’m leeching off you. I know you won’t feel like that, but I needed the peace of mind. I just got swamped what with getting the car MOT’d and the repairs costing £200. Also, I got something that took up a large chunk of it as a Christmas present. I told him I would be able to pay him extra next month to make up for this month but he didn’t accept it. Then he proceeded to show me a copy of my lease, ripped it up, and then said- and I quote ‘You are now homeless.’”

As much as I wanted to say I was pissed at his landlord for kicking him out, I could see the guys reasoning. Did it give him reason to be such a jerk about it? Absolutely not. It wasn’t handled professionally. I wasn’t angry with him for not asking for help with his rent, because I know how much he detests me spending money on him except on special occasions. He’s always been open about that, even before we were together romantically. 

“Well, he’s got another thing coming. You are not homeless, Louis. I’ll help you get your suitcases in.”

His eyes widened as he stared at me. All I did was smile his way.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?”

I cast my gaze to the ground but I kept the smile on my face to tell him. I shrugged my shoulders and chuckled;

“You practically live here anyway. Louis, I love you to pieces and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know you’ve always wanted to pace our relationship and let it all develop naturally, but I’m ready to take another step in our relationship. It took us so long to get to where we are, being so open with one another, and in a way everything else got put on hold with us. If you’re ready for this, so am I. If you don’t feel like you are, then you’re welcome to stay until you find another place.”

I finally sat down beside him as I let him think everything over. Silence fell in the room after my little speech. But I knew it was a huge step. We might have been together for two years and four months, but making further commitments can be difficult. I know people who get married a year after meeting their significant other, but we’ve always had something in our way. 

“Harry, I’d love to move in with you. I’m ready for this stage in our relationship.”

At his words, a large smile overcame me and a few seconds later, he was lying on top of me and his lips were gently moulding against my own. I tangled my fingers into his hair and knotted the strands around my knuckles, and his hand gently placed on the small curve of my hip. My top had ridden up a little and he massaged the exposed skin before speeding up in his movements. I wasn’t complaining. We kissed often, but we rarely shared a passionate kiss. 

“Well, there’s something we need to do.”

I was annoyed when he pulled away but as his words echoed in my ears and the cocky expression he wore sunk in, confusion washed over me. He leaned over so his breath was fanning my ear and spoke;

“We’d better break in the bed properly.”

Of course, he had meant it in a loving manner. But almost instantly, that familiar panic sunk in as I thought about intimacy. Yes, we had made love to each other already and I don’t regret a single thing, but this fear ran deeper than that. Louis realised his mistake quickly because he quickly got off me and went to leave, but I surprised him by grabbing his wrist. 

“Louis, we need to talk about where we stand as far as intimacy goes. We’ve been putting it off and I don’t want us to tiptoe around the subject. I know you’re shit scared of it, as am I. We’ve got good reasons to be, but we can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

I’ll be honest, I felt like it was someone trapped inside of me who was speaking those words. He had a similar response, because his head jolted up and his ocean blue eyes met my own. Hesitantly, he squeezed my palm before sitting down beside me.

“It’s fucked up that we both fear something so natural. But you’re right, we’ve got good reasons for it. And we have been ignoring it, both intentionally and unintentionally. That’s not healthy, Harry.”

Now, I turned and placed my feet on the couch, curling my legs towards my chest. He done the same as me except he reached over and grabbed my hand to lace his fingers in mine. His thumb ran lovingly along my knuckles and I smiled towards him despite how nervous I was.

“How are we going to work it out? As in, who tops? Do you have the confidence to do it?”

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I took a few moments to myself to come to a conclusion to his questions.

“I suppose we work it out by trying it both ways and see what we prefer. But I don’t know if I have the confidence to be on top, Louis. It hurts like hell at first, we both know that, and I don’t want to cause you pain even if that pain is caused during love making.”

He hummed a little as he took in my words. I didn’t need to elaborate much further than that because I’m practically an open book to him. I can’t hide anything from him no matter how much I try.

“How about we let that be natural? Decide what way to make love just before instead of planning in advance. Honestly, I think that’s best for us. If we think too much on it, we’ll both freak out. We can’t deny it, love.” 

He was correct with that statement. It sucks to be having this conversation in the first place. Yes, it is common for couples to talk about sex, but talking about how to go around it without overstepping the others boundaries- that is different. It’s another slap to the face for us, another reminder that we aren’t an ordinary couple. Louis had clearly come to the exact same conclusion because he leaned over to pull me into a tight hug.

“We’re different, we always will be. But that makes us stronger. We’re each other’s strength and confident. We’re there for each other if one or both of us have a bad day. We’re there for each other through things that only some couples experience. Light and dark, two completely different things yet somehow combined for eternity.”

As he spoke, my cheeks grew hotter and I’m certain my entire face was pink. His words were incredibly cheesy, but I can’t deny that it made me feel giddy. Like I was a little kid in a candy shop. I leaned over the small space between us and gently pecked his lips. I pulled away and rested my forehead against his, breathing in the minty scent of the gum he had been chewing earlier. Or gazes were so intense, I felt like he was looking directly into my soul.

“I love you so much, Louis.”

I leaned forward again to capture his lips with my own. Each time the tender skin touched I felt like I had electricity coursing through my veins. Destroying my blood stream and making me feel light headed. But in such a good way. I leaned back and he wasted no time in leaning forward. Eventually, my back was pressed into the cushions and my head was supported by the armrest. His hand slithered to behind my neck to stop it from cramping in the uncomfortable position and his fingers massaged into the skin. Slowly, he slipped his tongue past my lips and I didn’t even bother in battling for dominance. He knows I prefer it when he’s more in control. The palms of my hands travelled down his body; from his waist, to his front, to the curve of his hips, and the swell of his backside. I pulled away from the kiss and looked him in the eye before speaking, with a devilish grin on my face;

“How about we put the bed to good use?”

That was all that needed to be said before he scooped me up in his arms and ran upstairs. He placed me down on the soft mattress and slowly undressed me. He was careful, like our first time. It felt like forever before he even slipped a finger in. Of course, I was still scared. I think the deepest parts of my brain will always have a slight fear towards sex. But as we climaxed together after making love, I realised there really wasn’t anything to fear. There never had been. The only thing I feared was history repeating itself. But history is history, it’s in the past and it cannot be changed. All we can look forward to is the future which I’m certain Louis will be a part of. He’s my soulmate, and he’s also my best friend. I was never going to find someone even remotely similar to him.


	18. Seventeen.

It was a good day today.

That was the only way that I could put it really. I hadn’t woken up from a nightmare, I hadn’t felt off in any way, and I had completed another session. Unlike the others that I have had though, I didn’t feel quite so isolated. Yes, it hurt like hell to tell Lisa things I didn’t really trust people with, but the second it was out I felt free. Like I had been an animal stuck inside a cage and someone had unlocked my enclosure, letting me loose for the first time in a long while. 

Three days had passed since I had asked Louis to move in with me. Truthfully, it was one of the best three days of my life. A few things needed to be arranged first however, because I wanted this house to be a home to the both of us and not just to me. So, naturally, the first thing to do was to decide if we would get new furniture and other decorations. Within two hours we had decided to only do the living room and our bedroom.

It still felt weird saying that, our bedroom. For a year it had simply just been my bedroom that I shared often with my boyfriend. Now it wasn’t, and I would get to wake up beside him every day from now on. The thought was extremely comforting to me, and it really made me think about our future. We were willingly moving into a new chapter of our lives together. Luckily, he had finished his exams two days prior to his landlord evicting him. That meant we got everything done together.

Today, our new furniture was getting delivered. Chad, Olly, Gemma, and Michal were coming over to help us build it. I was a bit nervous for obvious reasons, having never met my sisters boyfriend before now. But I knew she loved him deeply, and she had been just as nervous about meeting Louis for the first time. Hopefully I’ll get along with him, because I don’t want any tension between us as it wouldn’t be fair on my sister. Of course, I want to be the overprotective brother and scare boys away from her, but she’s not a teenager anymore. She’s twenty-four now, and I’m turning twenty-one in two months. 

At times, I feel much older than I actually am. I think anybody who had been through similar to what I have feel the same. I’ve experienced things in two years that some people won’t experience in a lifetime. I shook my head to come out my thoughts before checking the app I had on my phone that tracked deliveries. Everything was due some point this hour and we had already cleared everything else out. We had been sleeping in one of the guest bedrooms the last two nights as we donated our old furniture to charity. That way another family would receive it and put it to good use instead of being chucked in a skip.

Louis appeared now, his phone pressed to his ear as he asked when they were coming over. I couldn’t hear the reply from either Chad or Olly, but he hummed a little with a smile on his face. He hung up soon after before walking over to me, placing his hands behind my neck, and pulling my face down a couple of inches to gently kiss me. 

“They’re leaving just now, and I’m sure- “

A loud rapping on the front door broke his words, and a moment later in came my sister, with who I could only assume to be Michal trailing behind her. I gulped a little and he done the same, neither of us knowing what to say. Eventually, I moved forward and held my hand out for him to shake.

“Thank you, for being there and loving her when I couldn’t.”

We were both still visibly nervous, but he let a smile come onto his face at my words. 

“Damn, this place is empty.”

Louis snorted beside me before retorting;

“That’s what happens when you’re waiting on new furniture getting delivered.”

I chuckled at that, and the remaining male clearly sighed in relief. Finally realising he had nothing to worry about. Gemma muttered a ‘piss off’ under her breath which only made my grin get wider. She was right though, it felt weird being in this room with almost nothing in it. All there was were a couple of pictures hanging on the walls, nothing else. Our voices echoing loudly off the walls. 

Louis asked if either of us wanted a drink and we all nodded our heads. Once he was out of sight, that awkwardness came back in full swing. His eyes were wide as he stared at me, not knowing how to react around me. Gemma had obviously come to the same conclusion as she spoke;

“Michal, this is my little brother. Yes, he’s very well known, but he’s a person just like us.”

I nodded a little with her before expanding for her;

“Please, don’t treat me like I’m something special. I’m not, I just got incredibly lucky from a chance meeting. Underneath all that, I’m still a twenty-year-old guy. The only thing that separates us is what I do for a living.”

He still seemed a bit star-struck as he stared at me for a few more seconds. This stopped when Louis walked in with four steaming mugs. 

“Love, I would have helped.”

He just shook his head before handing us each a cup. I wasted no time in taking a long sip from it, allowing the hot tea to warm my body up. Footsteps echoed in the hall and a moment later, Chad and Olly entered. I had to snort in amusement at seeing the younger of the pair with a large toolbox. That would come in quite handy. Now, it was simply a waiting game. 

It was twenty-five minutes later when I spotted the delivery truck outside, and I was glad I had a large enough driveway so it wouldn’t block the street. We all walked out to help get everything inside. I got a few double-takes but I pretended to ignore them. I don’t want any kind of special treatment. However, once it was all in I handed over a cheque to each person as a thanks. They spluttered in astonishment but to me it was pennies. To them however, the £200 tip was something they had likely not seen before. A couple of them asked for a picture and one asked for me to sign something for his daughter who was a big fan. I happily obliged before walking inside my house to see the others were opening the first box.

Chad and Olly both carried our bedroom furniture upstairs before coming back down. A loud crashing noise broke the silence and I looked into the hallway. I got my answer when I heard Chad laughing hysterically which told me it was Olly who fell down the stairs. Louis was smirking to himself at this and probably thinking why he was friends with such idiots. It took roughly three hours to get the furniture built in here. We now had a television stand, a new coffee table, and a chest of drawers. 

The couches were arriving tomorrow which I was glad about because that meant we would no longer need to sit on the floor. After an hour of doing so we had moved to the dining table and we had been doing so since. We took a break after this and I walked into the kitchen to grab the large tray of sandwiches. Louis and I had done so this morning, knowing we would all want food after a while. 

“- mate, I don’t want to build that bed knowing it will probably get destroyed tonight anyway- “

I only caught the tail end of the conversation but I did catch Louis chuck the television remote at Chad. I made a weird face before placing the tray on the table. 

“Well excuse me for being in love. Don’t you know what that is with Siobhan?”

This caught my attention, and it seemed Olly did as well. Within seconds, the two of us were turned to face him with shocked looks on our faces. Louis had a very smug grin on his face as he had clearly won whatever the stupid argument was. I looked to my sister out of my peripheral vision to see her biting back a laugh, and Michal was busy stacking his plate full of food.

“You’re a prick, you know that don’t you?”

That was enough to tell me that he wasn’t going to speak much further on the topic. Like he needed to, I caught a slight twinkle in his eye and his blush was unmissable. As we ate, conversation flowed comfortably between us, I was glad that my sisters boyfriend had settled in decently. Naturally, I was wary of him considering this is the first time I’ve met him, but I could see in his body language how much he loved Gemma. 

Once we had finished, we decided to sit around for an hour. The whole time we were getting to know each other but it was a tiny bit awkward on Chad’s part. I knew why though as the last time he had seen Gemma had been a stupid article online that made it look as though I was cheating on Louis. If I recalled correctly, he had called her a blonde bimbo. That wasn’t the case anymore though, her bubblegum pink hair contrasting strongly against her white jumper.

It didn’t seem like it was December. It was only nineteen days to Christmas which meant one thing- it was eighteen until Louis turned twenty-one. I’ve still to get him something despite him being adamant that I don’t get him anything. But twenty-one is a milestone age so I knew I had to do something. But what was a problem. I wanted to get him something he would love and wouldn’t dislike me for getting, which meant anything expensive was out of the question.

Clothes weren’t an option either because he already had a shit tonne. I’d even had to let him use a wardrobe in one of the guest bedrooms because there was no way they were fitting in the one we had in our room. He had blushed furiously whilst claiming he didn’t realise he had so much, but it was obvious he was well aware of the fact. My eyes trailed around the large room that wasn’t so empty anymore when my eyes caught sight of Ash sleeping on an old jacket of mine.

My head cocked to the side before my eyes glanced at my boyfriend beside me who was still talking merrily with everyone else. Nobody seemed to be paying me any attention which was good because I can’t lie to either of them for jack shit. Well, except Michal but I didn’t want to create a bad first impression. He’s probably seen hundreds of rumours about me and not knowing what to believe. I glanced back to my sleeping cat and I immediately knew. 

Gemma finally clocked on to me not being involved in the conversation and she tilted her head, silently asking for me to meet her in the hall. I got up from where I had been sitting and followed her, no one noticed we had moved. Or if they had they weren’t bothered by us just leaving. Once we were farther down, she crossed her arms and quirked an eyebrow up, her body language telling me exactly what she was trying to say.

“It’s Louis’ birthday in eighteen days and I haven’t gotten him anything. There’s no way he’ll accept anything expensive, and he has more than enough clothes. So I looked around the room before I spotted Ash, and I knew. I’ll get him a dog. He’s always wanted one and now that he’s moving in with me, it feels right to get a pet together.”

She smiled deeply at me. She could see how head over heels I was for Louis, and every day I fell a little bit more in love with him. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever stop falling in love with him. He’s such a complex character and he’s got such a loveable personality. 

“Well, a friend of mines German Shepherd just had a litter a few weeks back. Last I checked a couple were still available. I could give you her number if you want?”

My eyes widened and I nodded. She quickly typed it into my phone for me and we walked back into the living room. A few curious eyes landed on us and I froze at not having an excuse. Luckily, Gemma did;

“We were discussing what we were going to do on Christmas. Like is it going to be a joint thing or?”

I was so thankful for her just now. It wasn’t really a lie considering an animal would technically be both a birthday and Christmas present in one. He’s been dropping hints to me for nearly a year over adopting another pet, so I know he would be extremely happy. We all took the boxes upstairs next. It took three trips to get everything there but once we had, I was so pleased that the master bedroom was right next to the stairs. We started on the bed first and at some point Chad made a quip about us destroying it within the month. I smirked a little towards Louis when he caught my eyes, catching the playful glint I had in mine as I spoke just loud enough;

“So, who is Siobhan, Chad?”

A victorious smile made its way onto my face as his face turned bright red. He cast his gaze around the room but everyone was looking at him expectantly now. Olly was stifling a laugh but I could tell he knew nothing about this mystery girl either. And with him being the overprotective one and eldest of the trio, he was desperate for answers.

“Nobody.”

I snorted at that which generated a glare from him. I looked to Louis who was openly enjoying every moment of my teasing. We’ve put up with his ridiculous quips over our relationship, now it’s our turn to do the same to him.

“She’s a girl he met in work and they’ve went on a couple of dates. He wants to make it official but he has no idea how. He’s smitten, haven’t seen him like this since Madison.”

I chuckled deeply at that, remembering the popular girl Louis had told me he had attempted to win over for years to no avail. 

“How do I do it? Like, do I just ask her? Do I take her out and ask her? Or is two dates too early- “

My eyes widened as he spoke, it becoming clear just how gone he was for this girl. He was looking directly at me as if I would have a response. I bit my lip and reminded him of something;

“Chad, you know that us getting together wasn’t exactly romantic. And we didn’t even go on a date until three months into our relationship.”

His eyes cast downwards as he recalled. I do wish Louis and I had gotten together differently. Not in a heat of the moment thing, and especially not with me being plagued by night terrors soon after. It was then Louis first realised that something wasn’t quite right with me. 

“How did you guys get together? You’re a student aren’t you, Louis?”

He nodded before looking to me warily. The remaining three people in the room had gone so silent it would be deafening to have a pin drop. Michal clearly realised he had ventured into a touchy subject and focused on helping us build the bed. The remaining two hours it took to build everything was shrouded in silence. Nobody wanted to speak. It hurt more that it was because if Gemma and I. Olly, Chad, and Louis knew everything. They knew how easy it was to provoke an episode or a panic attack, they knew that neither of us like to reminded of our upbringing.

However, at some point I glanced towards Gemma and I spotted the guilty look in her expression. It became clear that she hated keeping secrets from Michal. It must be killing her from the inside having kept this huge section of our past inside. I remember feeling just as guilty over doing the same to Louis, and I can certainly remember that week we had broken up because of it. I don’t want her to go through the same. So I decided it would be alright to tell him. But it was a family matter, which meant we would have to wait until later. 

Louis had been staying with Jay the past couple of days. Tonight was no different. Olly and Chad were both working early tomorrow so they were the first to bid us goodnight. It was about an hour later that Louis got up to leave, I softly kissed him just as he was about to. I gave him a tight hug before watching him climb into his car and back out the driveway. I walked back inside now and I nodded towards Gemma. It wasn’t much of a gesture but she knew I was giving her my permission to tell Michal. 

“We’d better get going as well- “

“No. Sit down, Michal. I need to tell you something.”

He gave her a funny look before sitting back down, eyeing her with uncertainty.

“Harry, are you sue you’re comfortable with him knowing? I know Louis, Chad, and Olly do but you’ve known them for years.”

I sighed a little bit, closed my eyes, before staring her straight in the eye;

“I’m sure. I can see it on your face how guilty you feel hiding it. It’s a feeling I know well, I did hide it from Louis for almost a year and we broke up from it. I don’t want you guys to get to that stage.”

Even though not many words between us were spoken about it, Michal’s confused expression told us he knew absolutely nothing. I didn’t expect him to, because Gemma was always someone who was adamant to only life in the present. Despite everything that did happen between us, she refused to live in the past. I admired her for it and I wished I possessed the ability to do so.

“Michal, you can’t tell anyone what we’re about to tell you. No one. It’s extremely personal.”

The poor guy was only getting more confused as the seconds ticked by and more words were spoken. At least he hadn’t reacted like Louis had before I told him. Yes, my boyfriend had a larger reason considering we weren’t exactly on good terms at the time, but it was still the same situation. Just with different people.

“Is this to do with your family? I mean, I know about Marcel, but everything else?”

Gemma and I looked to each other, biting our lips in anticipation, and nodded. He looked between us with creased eyebrows and his lips tightened in a thin line. At least he knew a little bit of it, I wonder if he watched that documentary I done. It was a possibility. My sister was looking to me expectantly, and I knew she wanted him to hear it from the horse’s mouth. 

“There’s a lot of reasons neither of us visit any family members. A lot of those reasons are down to me, and Gem, don’t deny it.”

She looked down to her clasped hands at my words. She’d told me last week when we were briefly talking about it that I wasn’t to blame. I might not be to blame, but I was the main catalyst. 

“As I’ve told you Michal, our biological dad was an alcoholic.”

His expression pursed before he glanced between us again. I picked up from where Gemma had let off;

“And he had anger problems when he was drunk. At some point, he started to take out these outbursts on things, on us.”

His eyes widened before he looked to my sister, a sad look coating his eyes. It was obvious he was heartbroken over this.

“I remember the first time it happened very well. I’m not going to go into detail on it because I hate talking about if, as does Gemma. It fucked us both up, but we pulled through. Unfortunately, as you can guess, the same couldn’t be said for our brother.”

“When it was going on, I wasn’t aware of it. Yes, he had outbursts towards me, but it was nowhere near as much as they were directed to them. I was eleven when I found out what was going on. I was out shopping with our mum, having a girls afternoon. Then we got a call from Marcel. He was screaming, telling us to get home and that police were on their way. I’ll never be able to forget it.”

She sniffles and a few tears escaped her eyes in remembrance. I’ve never heard it from her point of view before, so it wasn’t a surprise that I was crying as well. I opened my arms for her to cuddle into me, she wasted no time in snuggling her face into my neck.

“The police were already there when we got home. My mum and I ran upstairs to see them working on forcing a locked door open. Marcel was screaming so much, begging them to help. Him and Harry were both eight years old, Michal. No eight-year-old should ever be like that. I’ll never forget what I saw when that door was broke down.”

I rubbed her back lovingly and placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. Then I pulled away and looked towards Michal. He was still confused, but I could see he was slowly putting the pieces together. He opened his mouth, wanting to ask what she saw. She knew as well as she let out a loud sob into my neck.

“She saw our father pinning me to the bed. He- he raped me, Michal. I was eight.”

The shock was immediate. He wasted no time in leaning over to wrap his arms around Gemma’s back, so she was now surrounded by us. At some point we managed to pull away and tell him everything else. By the end of it, he was looking between the two of us completely gobsmacked. He didn’t know what to think, do, or say. Eventually though, he gulped loudly and turned to me;

“Did you ever get over it?”

I looked down and shook my head.

“I still have three therapy sessions a week. I’m officially diagnosed as clinically depressed and also with PTSD. I still have panic attacks, I still have episodes. I still have a lot of fears over certain things that should be ordinary.”

“There was one time when he came into my room and had a full-blown panic attack in front of me. It was before he was officially diagnosed.”

At her words, I looked at her weirdly. What was she talking about? I wracked my mind for the memory but no matter how hard I tried, it was not there. Why couldn’t I remember something like that? 

“Can you not remember that, Harry?”

I think my shocked expression was all the confirmation she needed. It was like I was trying to search in a box for something despite knowing there was nothing there to be found. Like reaching through an empty space. Suppression. Was Lisa on to something? When they left a couple of hours later, I grabbed a small notepad and wrote it down. We’re there more memories like this after all?


	19. Eighteen.

I looked around me, taking in the pale blue décor that was my bedroom. I don’t know why I bothered, because nothing had changed. We’d been living here for five years and during that time the only thing that had changed was a bunk bed being exchanged for two single beds. It didn’t leave much space but neither of us needed space. Well, not this kind of space. I tapped the end of my pen against my chin as I carefully thought. I had been working on an essay for English when I had gotten a familiar urge to write.

So, I had put my schoolwork aside and placed a timer on my phone so I wouldn’t get too caught up in it. After all, I don’t want to fail any of my classes. So far, I had a chorus, a verse, and a bridge done. I would work on it again later to perfect it but for me the first draft is always key. In my head, I was slowly coming up with a tune to go with it. A couple of minutes passed before I admitted defeat on trying to finish it right now and picked up my guitar. 

The deep red on the back was beginning to chip all over but I couldn’t find it in me to get it repainted. To me, it was a sign of how much it meant to me. Mindlessly, I plucked away on the strings and memorising the correct ones to pluck to create the tune that had formed in my head. Once I had, I grabbed another sheet of paper that I had printed a stave on. I quickly grabbed my pen again and etched in the notes so I wouldn’t forget them.

Once I had done this, I placed my guitar beside me and leaned back on my bed. I closed my eyes for a few moments. Most people hate isolation. I was not one of those people. For me, it was my greatest comfort. This along with silence was bliss. This didn’t last for long though before I heard my sister giggling on the phone to one of her friends. Her room was directly through the wall my bed was against, and the walls were paper thin so I could hear everything. She was probably gossiping over a cute new guy who went to our school.

Our brother was still in school, getting a private tutoring lesson that was required in his syllabus. He didn’t need the extra tutoring, he knew all our courses inside out. In fact, if I remember correctly he was on his third read of his books for the year. Once Gemma had stopped laughing, I picked up the music sheet and my guitar before promptly making my way into her room. She quirked an eyebrow up at me before smiling towards me and shimmying up her bed so I could sit at the edge.

I never showed her my lyrics. They were far too personal. Containing painful memories for the two of us that neither of us wanted to be reminded of. But every time I did come up with a new song and chords to go with it, I played them to her. I did with our mum and stepdad as well. So that’s what I done. I played the parts I had completed and also hummed along to the melody of the lyrics that had formed in my head. She stared completely transfixed like usual, her undivided attention on me only. 

Once I had finished, I hesitantly placed my guitar against her bed frame and bit my lip. Did she like it? I hope she did. She wasn’t afraid to tell me if something wasn’t for her and I appreciated that. It gave me a fire to improve and win her over on the songs in question. I got my answer when she leaned forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I rubbed her back gently in reassurance as well. 

When we pulled away from one another, she was smiling like mad. She liked it. That was all I wanted. Even if I never make it as a singer/songwriter, it’s a massive accomplishment to have the support of my family behind me. I grabbed my instrument and went to walk outside and my foot caught on the edge of the bed. A second later I was falling but Gemma grabbed me by the wrist. But she did so too tightly.

I yanked it away and I watched as she morphed into our dad. A dark smile on his face as he edged me into a corner. Casually swinging a folded leather belt in his right hand whilst he used his other to hold me still. He brought it close but not enough to actually hit me, before letting out a loud laugh. I was trembling in fear as he twisted my arm painfully and causing me to cry out;

“Please, no!”

He mimicked my plea a few times and he edged closer. I could feel the cool air being blown my way from the swinging belt. I trembled in fright as that familiar snapping noise broke the quiet and my skin fired up. I bit my tongue and forced my cries away, despite them being desperate to escape. Small whimpers left me but they were easily drowned out with the weapon and his malicious laughing.

“Harry!”

I blinked and just like that, he morphed back into my sister. She was crying hysterically and looked as if she was seconds from a full on breakdown. What happened there? I looked around the room and I spotted a few things smashed. Had I done that? Why did I black out like that? Why can’t I remember anything but that sick memory? I spotted my mum biting her thumb as she talked frantically into the phone. Her eyes widened when she noticed I had snapped out of whatever that was before hanging up. 

“What happened?”

I woke with a start. Sweat was pouring down my face and a chill surrounded me. I curled up in the blankets as my bedroom came into focus. Why had I dreamt that? I grabbed my phone and checked the time, my eyes widening at seeing it was only 7am. I was about to place it on the bedside cabinet again before realisation dawned on me. I shot up and searched for my sisters number. It rang out the first time but I guessed that would happen. It was on the fourth ring of the second call when she answered;

“What are you calling for at this time in the morning?”

My free hand covered my mouth as I struggled to even my breathing. This couldn’t be happening. This really couldn’t be happening.

“Gemma, what happened that day I had a panic attack in front of you that I can’t remember?”

She made a weird noise before quietly telling the events of the day in question. As she spoke, my heartbeat sped up to an unnatural level and I could almost hear my own pulse in my veins. I was shaking violently as well.

“Gem, I’ve just dreamt about it. That’s why I called you, I needed to know if it was real or not.”

A gasp was heard on the other side of the line before I heard shuffling.

“I’ll be over in about an hour- “

“Gem, go to sleep.”

She grunted in response.

“No way. This is serious, Harry. You are not pushing me away again like you did all those years ago. I don’t want us to be strangers who just so happen to be siblings. I’m coming, whether you like it or not.”

She hung up after this and I threw my phone to the end of my bed and grunted. Gemma knew how much I hated being treated like a baby at times but on this occasion, I knew it was a lot more serious. Now I knew that Lisa was definitely on to something. I opened the drawer of my bedside table and grabbed the notepad I had been recording these dream sequences in along with a pen.

Once again, blackness surrounded me as my hand flew from left to right. By the time I had finished, I read it over a few times to see if I had made any mistakes or missed out anything. Once I was satisfied that I hadn’t, I got out of bed and started to get dressed. Since I had finished tour, I thought I would finally get a long lie in. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. I haven’t been home for long at all and almost every day my body refused to sleep past 9am. The only time I had was after Louis and I had made love.

It still surprised me now. That I could think about sex and not immediately freak out. Hell, before we had, I sometimes flipped if it was even brought up in conversation. It had been a slow and steady pace to get to this point in our relationship. My back ached slightly but I wasn’t sure if it was because I wasn’t used to the new bed yet or if it was because I had slept at a funny angle. Despite this, I managed to successfully crack it and made my way downstairs.

When I was at the bottom, I immediately spotted a black and white cat run towards me and wrap his body around my leg. I leaned down to scratch his ears, causing him to purr, before making my way into kitchen. After feeding Ash, I got myself something to drink and sat down on the couch to wait for my sister arriving. She lived on the other side of the city from me, on the south side whereas I was on the north side and only a few miles outside the centre. 

It was approximately forty minutes later when I heard her rapping knuckles on the door before she walked inside. Why she even bothered knocking I don’t know. She quickly closed the door behind her before running up into my arms. This wasn’t good. Just when I thought I was getting better, more problems arose that had been buried away for a long time. Why did I forget these things? How did I manage to forget these things? Most importantly, when did I start forgetting these things?

I pulled away now as we made our way into the living room and she plopped down beside me. She was staring directly at my face, analysing for a reaction to this nasty twist.

“I need help. I really need help. Not just therapy, I need something more intense.”

The momentary guilty expression she wore was enough confirmation for me. My eyes were beginning to burn as I fought off tears but I refused to break down. I need to start trying to stop all this. I can’t push it away anymore. But what can I do? It seems like everything that I’ve tried that has worked momentarily, is only that, momentarily. Nothing seems to be permanent.

“Harry, you’re already in therapy multiple times a week, what else can you do? I’m not saying it to be rude, I’m saying that because I don’t know any more than you do.”

I shut my eyes and looked down at my knees which I noticed were shaking uncontrollably. I took a deep breath and tried to not think about numerous thoughts when I suddenly remembered. Suppression- the act of pretending something is not occurring. I obviously had a problem with it but why has it only been picked up on recently? More importantly, why is it only now that I am remembering things that I had forced myself to forget?

“Are you thinking about being on medication again?”

Now, I opened my eyes again and looked towards Gemma. She had a couple of tears tracks running down her cheeks which made me feel awful. She was right though, I couldn’t push her away again. I couldn’t isolate myself again. It’s not a healthy way to go about things like this. If I do alienate myself again, history will repeat itself. But one thing was for certain, there’s a chance j might not make it out the other end of that is the case.

“I don’t know, Gemma. I’ve been on medication before and it didn’t end up well- “

“Do you not think I know that? You’ve attempted to off yourself multiple times with pills.”

My eyes fell to the floor again before I let the tears fall. I’d tried before? What the fuck else did I force myself to forget?

“How many times did I try, Gemma? Apart from the one last year I told you about?”

An incredulous look overcame her and she was about to say something, but then she spotted the torn apart look on my face. She realised then I wasn’t fucking with her and I didn’t remember any of this. 

“Three that I remember, but there might have been more. You stopped yourself every time though. Each time you overdosed, you were alright at first. But then you figured out what you were doing and you would go to mum, Robin, or me to tell us what you’d done. Every time you did so, you kept going on about how you felt horribly guilty because you didn’t want to put mum or me through another death.”

Now, I covered my hands as my tears finally spilled over the dam. Within seconds, my face was covered in them and I didn’t even bother trying to wipe them away.

“That’s a no, then. It’s too high a risk. If I’ve tried to overdose four times before, I can’t be near medication.”

Gemma could only nod, completely understanding my point of view.

“Rehab perhaps? I know it’s for extreme measures only, Harry, but this is serious. If not that then maybe admitting yourself into a psychiatric unit is your best option. I’m not saying you have to do it, but I can’t watch you spiral into that dark place again. Hearing you crying every night after Marcel…”

She trailed off after this before she got up off the couch she was sitting on and take over to me, attacking me in a tight hug. I had to accept it, there wasn’t much else for me to do. Guilt stopped me. That is what stopped me the first three times I can’t remember. Putting my mum and Gemma through another agonising heartbreak again. The last time, I didn’t feel that emotion. Not in the same way. Gosh, Louis. What was I going to tell him? I’ve already relapsed on my cutting and now this. Why is he still with me with all this psychological mess? 

“How did you overcome it last time it got like this? You mentioned something about a documentary but not much else.”

As her words sunk in to me, I slowly looked up at her. She was right. The last time it got this bad was before I met Louis, and it was based on the guilt I’ve felt previously. That is what I was feeling now. I can’t isolate myself. Understanding dawned on me now. Some fans of mine or just people who like to be nosey will be experiencing similar things. I always felt like I had nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to. I’ve got a platform that can help so many people, I can show them they’re not alone. I get sad too. 

“You’re on to something, Gemma. But how?”

Silence followed for a few moments as we both carefully thought. How should we do this? Why am I saying we? It’s me doing it. But it was her idea, and she deserves credit for it.

“How about you see if you can find any meet-ups for people who have gone through similar to what we have and speak to them with your own personal struggles? That way you’re getting it out there but at the same time you’re helping out other people by confirming they’re not alone.”

After she said this, I grabbed my phone and made a call to Simon. In three weeks, it would start. Hopefully it would help me get to a medium once again.


	20. Nineteen.

“Harry, I’m really not sure about this.”

For the past hour, Louis had been telling me this. Each time he did, he changed his wording slightly, but it was always the same message with the same nervous tone to his voice. I understood why, because if our roles were reversed I would have a similar reaction to him. 

“I know, love. But it’s my only proper option- “

“No, it’s not. Surely not. I know you don’t want to be on medication again for very good reasons, but there’s other ways.”

I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe deeply. Anger was burning deep inside of me which never got me anywhere. I was shit scared about this afternoon. This was going to be one of the first times I’ve spoken about my mental struggles. Of course, people know I do as I’m vocal about it. But they don’t know what types of mental struggles I have. They probably assume it’s to do with the amount of fame I have, but that’s more of a distraction to everything for me.

“Love, I wouldn’t be able to contact or see anyone for weeks on end. I can’t just disappear like that. It would hurt us both more in the end than it would help me.”

He huffed in annoyance, but he knew as well as I did that I was right. As soon as he came over with his last boxes, I had sat down to tell him my plan. Gosh, was it only yesterday that happened? So much was swimming through my head. The only thing I didn’t tell him was that I’d apparently tried to commit multiple times before the last. I don’t want to tell him things I don’t remember. Due to this, more guilt built up inside of me. 

“At least let me come with you.”

Now, I walked over and wrapped my arms around him to pull him in for a tight hug. 

“Louis, you need to start preparing for your next semester. It’s ten days until Christmas and we’ve not even put up decorations yet. Also, Gemma is coming with me. I’ll keep you updated on everything.”

My time off was flying by. It didn’t feel like it had been two and a half weeks since I had finished my tour. I only have until the 9th of January remaining. It’s not a long time at all. The time off was needed though, I’ve been so busy over the last few years. I leaned my head down to capture his lips for a few moments, him accepting the gesture wholeheartedly. 

“You’re right, but promise me something. Don’t hide stuff from me, and tell me everything that goes on.”

I nodded into his shoulder and bit my tongue because I was already breaking one of those promises and he had no idea. I don’t want to tell him unless I remember the moments in question. I checked the clock soon after before bidding him goodbye. The drive to my sisters was longer than normal because traffic was steadily getting worse. It was expected with it being so close to Christmas. The camera crew were already there when I arrived. I didn’t bother knocking on the door and I was immediately met with pale orange hair. She’d gotten bored of the pink and changed it the night before.

“You ready?”

The slight grimace on my face was all the confirmation she needed that I wasn’t ready. But I had to be ready. I can’t hide behind this façade anymore. It’s getting to a ridiculous level and sooner or later the potion brewing inside is going to bubble over and my secrets will be out for the whole world to see.

Chris had came to get us. I hadn’t seen him since my tour finished and it was wonderful to have that sense of familiarity. He was still giving Gemma odd looks occasionally as he wasn’t used to me having a biological sibling. Luckily, she was fine with it and didn’t question him. It was probably just as awkward for her considering he’s seen me go through a lot of things. I’ll need to tell him soon. Yes, I’d told him the basics of everything, but he deserved to know the truth. 

It was approximately twenty minutes later when we pulled up outside the small building. I didn’t want to make a big production of everything and I had found this group this morning. I had called in advance so that whoever was running it and the other people attending knew I was going to be here. Inside there were probably a few of them questioning why I was coming. 

Thinking like that makes me sound like I’ve let everything get to my head. But it’s the way my brain works. There are people who have no idea who I am and then there are people who know my name and couldn’t give a shit if they tried. I’m not stupid and I’m not going to dwell on people like that. You can’t please everybody. It’s a statement that a lot of people need to realise. Today, the camera crew weren’t coming. They were instead going to film a one-on-two interview with my sister and I later in the week in her flat. 

That was the part I was really scared for. It wasn’t just me slowly letting people in that scared me- well, not completely. Today people would know who Gemma was. We’d neither confirmed nor denied any rumours concerning us. Some tabloids were still pushing the idea that I was being openly unfaithful. Some others assumed we’d lost contact a while ago and recently got reconnected. They weren’t far off at all with the assumption. Then there were the very few who had figured it out. I didn’t want to talk about our relation if she wasn’t comfortable with it. Also because I knew my fans liked to speculate over numerous theories with other fans. It gave them something to do while I wasn’t doing anything work related.

Despite this, nerves were eating me up from he inside. I don’t need to speak on how I developed mental issues, but at the same time I do. I know I’m not ready though, I need more control over it. I’ll be treated like a zoo animal when it does eventually get out. I didn’t have much time to think because we started getting out of the vehicle and were ushered inside.

A couple of people were already inside and it was obvious the recognised me as their mouths fell open. They knew I was coming, but it’s possible they assumed it was a ruse to get everyone to come. I held Gemma close to me as we were led into a hall where there were around twenty chairs set up in a circle. I was glad for that because it meant there would be no escaping it. If somebody had to leave, other seats had to move. It was quite clever on their part.

“I’m scared.”

It was only two little words, but it was enough to show my sister just how uncomfortable I was. I’m generally not an open person anyway, but on topics like this I’m as closed off as a finale to an entire series. Hesitantly, we both sat down. The people who were outside came in soon after. They desperately tried to hide their stunned expressions but they were failing miserably. I ignored it however and gave them a small smile along with a wave.

It took around ten minutes for the place to fill up and I was glad that whoever was holding the session had taken one of the seats so never of us would awkwardly be having to look around her at everyone else. I was grasping my sisters hand really tightly as fear gnawed away at my stomach. I didn’t expect her to get straight into it however by stating our names and what we struggle with. I heard a bunch; anxiety, depression, previous addictions. Every one of us was different and we were also asked if we were diagnosed or just knew, also if we had any professional help. Now it was only two people next to us before we had to speak. I was rubbing my free hand over my jeans, attempting to get rid of some of the sweat. Luckily, Gemma was the first of us to go.

“My names Gemma, and I have anxiety. I rarely have attacks but to me it’s just another form and isn’t something different.”

My brows were creased in the centre and I think everyone here realised how hesitant I was. It was clear they thought I was just here for shits and giggles but my reluctance was all the confirmation they needed.

“I’m guessing most of you know who I am but if you don’t, I’m Harry. I uh- I’m diagnosed as clinically depressed, I struggle with panic attacks, I suffer night terrors when I’m asleep, I’ve had a self harming addiction previously, and I’m also diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Silence followed after that, to the point I could only hear a few quiet shocked gasps. They clearly didn’t think I had so many problems with my mentality. I was dreading the next question. It became obvious to me that she asked those who were officially diagnosed more questions.

“When were you diagnosed?”

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, desperately thing to fend off the tears. My sister placed a hand gently on my shoulder and whispered a few words into my ear. It wasn’t much but it was enough to calm me down.

“I’ve struggled with night terrors as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with depression at fourteen. I was diagnosed with PTSD a fortnight ago but I’ve had it a lot longer.”

The session continued on for an hour and I couldn’t be happier to get out of my building. All I wanted was to lock myself away somewhere and cry. We were driven back to Gemma’s flat and as soon as everyone had left apart from Michal, I let it all out. I was shaking so much to the point the entire couch was vibrating. Tears streaming down my face at a rate they hadn’t for a long time. 

There wasn’t much nowadays that affected me. Well, not to a point where it’s bothersome. Everyone eventually gets to a point where they go “fuck what people think”. For some, this can take years and for others it can be a matter of days. I’ve met people, famous and not, who have fallen into both of these categories. I wish I could be like that. I’ve gotten to a stage in my life where I don’t give a damn what people think of my opinions, music, sexuality, or my eccentric fashion sense. But I was still a long way from not caring what people think of me.

I might have gotten over one of my biggest fears in the last couple of weeks, but there were still more. Embedded into the deepest parts of my mind. I’ve been trying to stop locking certain things away, trying to learn how to face the problem head on. It’s difficult, and it reminded me of when I was first diagnosed. It’s been six and a half years since I was. It’s scary to think like that, and it’s even scarier to think that in two short months it will have been seven years since Marcel took his own life. It’s a memory I wish I could forget, pretend never happened.

But unfortunately, death is irreversible.

As we were heading towards Gemma’s friends house to see the pups, these thoughts were swirling around inside. Numerous words from the people we spoke to in that hall filling me. They were like me, struggling with either depression, anxiety, PTSD, and multiple other things. I was shocked at Gemma’s confession to struggling with anxiety. I suspected it a while ago that she had an issue with something, but not for a second did I think it was that. I knew why she hadn’t told me before, because I had shut her out to the point it would be like her talking to a brick wall.

I wish I could reverse my treatment of her when we were younger, but I can’t. What’s done has been done. All I can do now is make it up to her. The fact that she let me in herself over time showed me we’re more alike than I thought. I didn’t speak much as I drove, her telling me where to go. We had an old Pink Floyd CD playing but it was so quiet you had to strain to listen to it. I think we both wanted to remain in silence but at the same time neither of us wanted it to get awkward.

I removed my left hand from the wheel and reached over to gently run my thumb over her knuckles. I wasn’t going to look her way considering we were on the motorway, but I knew she was smiling at me. It’s such a minimal gesture but to us it means everything. For the first time since we were toddlers, we were trusting each other. We were somewhere in the south side of the city, areas I recognised from when we were young. We’d spent a chunk of our lives just outside Bexley. It was a busy area but compared to numerous other areas of London, it was nothing. 

It felt weird to be travelling down these familiar streets again. I was usually either in the centre of the city or I was in the area I lived. Somehow, I had an odd feeling of longing. We passed the old church we used to attend, before I had came out to everyone. We passed by the Tesco we used to get our weekly shopping. We passed a fish and chips shop Gemma and I used to get our lunch from at school since they had deals at that time in the day. 

She directed me to turn right now, and soon the busy streets turned into a street filled with both houses and flats. I parked the car not long after and I followed her outside and up towards where I’m guessing this friend stays. I was correct in my assumption when a slightly older woman opened the door and greeted her with a small shriek and a hug. I smiled warmly at the encounter between them. We were let inside and I caught the friend giving me slightly odd looks which told me she was well aware of who I was. 

Gemma sat down on the couch and I followed suit, not wanting to seem too awkward. I’ve always struggled in meeting new people which sucks at times, but I can’t help it. My sister gave me a smile and also a gentle squeeze of my hand, clearly sensing how uncomfortable I was currently. Her friend came back in soon though with two tiny pups in her arms. Almost immediately, my heart melted. I’ve never been a dog person, but even I couldn’t deny they were adorable.

She placed them down and within seconds they bounded towards Gemma. One attempted to leap onto the couch but failed miserably, causing me to grin. Carefully, I leaned down and picked it up and placed it on my lap. The little thing looked up at me quizzically and tilted it’s head a little to the side. I didn’t expect for it to jump up onto my chest so it’s front legs were on my shoulders, and I definitely didn’t expect the licking attack.

“I think she likes you.”

A short chuckle left me as I attempted to escape the happy pup, but I failed miserably. I tickled her belly a little with one hand and used my other one to scratch behind her ears. A few happy yelps escaped her. Her sibling had just fell asleep on the ground the second it had been placed down. She eventually stopped licking my face but she was still jumping in my lap. I think she’s our dog. Louis would love her. She reminded me a lot of my hyper yet loveable partner. 

I nodded towards the friend whose name I didn’t know and I asked how much she was selling them for. She was about to shake her head, telling me not to bother, but I insisted. There was a bank nearby, so I got up and made the quick journey there to take out the cash in question. I kept my hood up and my head down so it would be harder for people to recognise me. The last thing I want is people getting pictures of what I was up to and ruining the surprise. 

Once I got back in, the pup bounded towards me again and I bent down to pick her up. I handed her over the money and she stuttered at realising I had given her quite a bit extra, but I silenced her. She asked for £550 for the pup, I gave her £700. It didn’t make a single dent in my account. Gemma was grinning ear to ear but whether that was over my generosity or the fact I had an incredibly hyper puppy in my arms I wasn’t sure.

Gemma offered to take her for the fortnight for me, that way I could surprise Louis. This is something he’s been hinting to me since we first admitted we loved each other and didn’t just like each other. I was always hesitant though, especially over who would look after the dog. Cats are easy to keep, all they want is somewhere to sleep, a box, and food. Dogs need a hell of a lot more attention. Since I had another month off, I would be able to help him train her for a bit. 

It was now 5pm and the sun had completely set. The entire sky was just black and the stars couldn’t be seen through numerous clouds. Despite this, I still drove Gemma to her flat so she could hand he puppy over to her boyfriend. We were going out for dinner and a catch up. There was a lot of lost time to make up for with us. She spluttered at spotting the expensive restaurant, muttering under her breath she wouldn’t have minded KFC or something.

I wanted to treat her though, she deserves it. She put up with my shit and helped me speak to someone about my mental struggles. If she hadn’t done that, I know I wouldn’t be alive today. I handed over my car keys so it could be taken to the underground garage before escorting her inside. I loved this place. Whenever I won an award or generally had something incredible happen in my career, this was where I went. The place held sentimental value for me and I wanted to share that with her. I had booked us a table in the back so we wouldn’t be disturbed.

She was looking around the place in wonder. She probably thought she would never be able to afford somewhere like here. Of course, she knew I had a lot of money, but to her this was confirmation over how much. I can’t do much with it anyway. I invested some into property, some into smaller business’, and donated a lot to charity. Despite this, there was still more than most people would make in their lifetime combined.

I didn’t even need to look at the menu because I always ordered the same in here. Gemma took a lot of time to decide, but eventually she made a humming noise. There were no prices on the menu items which I was glad about as I didn’t want to freak Gemma out. A waiter came over to take our orders and I had to stifle a snort over her botched up pronunciation. She gave me an evil glare for it and that done it for me. I didn’t laugh for long before she kicked me on the shin hard, likely leaving a bruise in its wake.

“This place is amazing.”

I smiled warmly.

“It is, and the food is great. Also, portion sizes are huge here. I come here whenever I achieve something new so it holds a lot of sentimental value for me.”

She reached over and gripped my hand tightly.

“Thank you for taking me here, then. It’s still weird that you’re letting me in so openly.”

At that, I looked down with a guilty expression on my face.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, brother. I know what it’s like now, I didn’t then. I don’t blame you for it.”

We both fell into a comfortable silence after this, but there was no awkwardness surrounding either of us. Approximately ten minutes later, our food arrived. Once again, I had to hold in a laugh at the way her eyes bulged at the amount there was. That’s why I don’t mind splashing out in here. Most expensive restaurants serve the smallest portions possible so it was a nice change. No words were spoken as we tucked into our meal.

“Holy shit, you’re taking me here more often.”

I playfully rolled my eyes at her which again caused her to kick my shin again. I’ve missed this, just being us. We couldn’t do that often since our rare time together was usually ruined by paparazzi. 

“I wonder if they feel guilty at all.”

This caught my attention and I gave her a quizzical glance, not sure what she meant.

“Our family. Do they regret what they did? Do they have any repercussions at all?”

I immediately shook my head.

“After what they did last year? No fucking way.”

She made no noise at that and I looked her way, analysing her expression. She genuinely looked bewildered which told me she had no idea what happened. I couldn’t see myself, but I knew my face had gone paler than normal as she silently asked for an explanation.

“They- they bailed him out Gemma. They bailed our sick bastard of a father out. It was done to spite me no doubt, can you not remember them trying to force me to forgive him because it’s what ‘God would want’?”

She dropped her fork on the plate at that and her hand flew up to cover her mouth. 

“They fucking what? I wouldn’t put it past them but how do you know for certain it was them?”

I was shaking in my seat and she wasted no time in sliding over in the booth until she was beside me instead of across from me. Her arm wrapped around my back and I instantly reciprocated her actions.

“It was only them, the people who adopted me, and Louis who knew. However, only our family knew what prison he was in. That’s how I know it was them.”

I could tell she was struggling to digest the information. It’s an instantaneous reaction when it’s someone you care for to deny it, but she knew as well as I that what I had just told her was more than enough proof. I don’t speak about what happened, only around twenty people know the whole story. Out of that, I’d say at least thirteen of them were the possible culprits. I’ll never know if it was one person who done it or if multiple ganged up on me. 

Honestly, I don’t want to know.

“They need to be exposed- “

I shook my head immediately but she shot me a glare;

“I’m not saying name you or any of us for that matter, but they deserve to be outed as the sick monster they truly are.”

Still, I was shaking uncontrollably. She clearly sensed that I was desperately trying to hold off a panic attack. She quickly glanced around in case anybody was looking our way before shooing me outside. It smelled disgusting considering this was technically the smoking area but I didn’t care about that right now. I cared about not openly having an attack. When it was over, I was breathing hard and multiple tear tracks had formed on my cheeks. Gemma was hugging me close, clearly trying to remain as level-headed as possible.

“Harry, I know it’s hard. I really do. But you need to stop bottling everything in. I’m not saying you tell everyone but maybe trust more people with it. I hate to say it to you, but eventually it’s going to come out. There will be people around you who will feel betrayed that you never told them and will turn against you. There will be people who don’t know what to say and will just carry on as normal. There will also be people who will treat you like a broken ornament. Which one would you prefer?”

There were times where I really hated my sister, and there were times where I wanted to hurt her. Right now though, no words escaped. I couldn’t say anything because she was right. It’s not going to be a secret forever, and I need to start opening up to more people. And there were two I had to tell.

Chris and Jay.


	21. Twenty

“I want to tell your mum.”

That was one of the first things that came out my mouth the night before. When I got home, we sat down on the couch that had been delivered that morning, and binge watched something on the television. We had been having one of our quiet moments. Where we just curled up into each other with only the sounds of our breaths breaking the silence. Our fingertips barely running along one another’s skin and creating goosebumps.

Or at least, that was what we were doing until I said those words. There have been multiple times during our relationship where only a few words have stunned one or both of us into silence. This was one of those times. With six little words that normally wouldn’t mean much to numerous couples, our dynamic changed instantly. His body jolted against mine in shock and the expression he wore on his face only echoed his inner feelings.

I could see so many in his eyes. I saw hurt because he doesn’t want to hear it all again, nor does he want to see me upset. I saw hesitance because he’s seen how badly it’s affected me for a few days after telling someone. I saw pride at me finally breaking out of my shell. I saw happiness which I’m guessing came from him no longer lying to his mum. Most of all though, I saw a fire in his eyes. Icy blue flames licking away inside his eyes, blending seamlessly into his natural eye colour, and brightening everything. 

“What brought on this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you want to tell her. She’s pieced bits and pieces together from spending time with you, but do you want to tell her everything?”

I shut my eyes for a few moments and took a deep breath, thinking of my next words.

“I think I’ve wanted to tell her for a while. We’ve been together for over two years, Louis. I don’t plan on being with anyone else but you. If things stay as they are, your mum will be my mum one day, and I don’t want to feel that guilt again. I hurt my own mum so badly all those years ago, Louis. I feel like in some weird way, this is my chance to redeem myself for my treatment of her all those years ago. I never got to tell her how much I loved her and cared for her. I pushed her away to the point she didn’t even feel like my mum.”

A few tears fell as I spoke. I rarely spoke about my mum, and I almost never spoke about how I felt over everything. Even now, almost six years later, I still feel like I’ve got an anvil pressing down on my chest. A weight I’ve gotten so used to I no longer feel it. A weight that is now a part of me. A weight I no longer can differentiate from when it hadn’t been there.

“Love, it’s your choice. Obviously, I want you to be honest with her and to tell her everything. She’s my mum, and at times I feel like I’m lying to her. Even if I’m giving her very brief descriptions of what is going on. She’s not stupid, Harry. She’s probably pieced large chunks of it together. How much, I don’t know nor could I even estimate. But please, don’t fucking use her like that. Do not use her as a way to get closure over what happened with your own mum.”

I bit my lip as he continued after a few seconds;

“I know you want closure, Harry. But as harsh as it is, you won’t get closure over this. There are things that everyone goes through where they cannot make up for it nor can they reverse. I love you, Harry, I really do. I want you to get better so fucking much, but it’s something I’ve come to accept will not happen. At least, not in our immediate future. It could be weeks, but let’s be honest, it’s going to take at least a few years for you to start getting over everything.”

To anyone else, his harsh words would have been considered disgusting. But I was glad that I had fallen for somebody who wouldn’t sugarcoat dog shit if he had to. Louis’ always been blunt and brutally honest, and I loved that about him. I could see exactly where he was coming from, and he was definitely right. I couldn’t use Jay as a way to make up for what I’d done years ago. What’s done has been done. It cannot be unwritten. All I can do is draw a line under it and turn the page into the next chapter. I won’t get anywhere by repeating the same shit, even if I do it without meaning to.

“You’re right, about the me getting better part. I’ve been dealing with this for so long and it’s really only the last maybe, four years that I’ve gotten to a point where I’m not hiding it from everyone. No, I’m not telling people, but there is a difference. Like I said, I don’t want to go through the guilt of keeping it from people I care for. Your mum- it’s like I’ve got my own back. I never thought I would have a mother figure again, and I want to tell her. It’s not just going to be her I’m going to tell, either. I’m going to tell Chris. If there’s anybody I want to tell more, I can’t think of them. Also, I know it eats you up from the inside being stuck in between wanting her to know everything and respecting how I feel. I don’t want that for you, Louis.”

Now that I had expanded on the topic for him and why I wanted to tell her, he finally came around. It wasn’t me using her as a way to get over what I’d done years before. It was me giving my partner the permission to no longer be caught in the middle. He trusts her so much, he’s been through some serious shit with her. From the divorce, to the drinking problem. It’s a lot for a mother and son to go through.

“When do you want to tell her, then? Do you want to tell them together or separately?”

I didn’t even need to think much on it, as the answer popped into my head immediately.

“Together. That way I’m killing two birds with one stone. That way I won’t be in that weird funk I get when I do tell people. I was thinking tomorrow. I want them to know before Christmas, and that’s just over a week away.”

We talked until the early hours after this. He sent a text to his mum inviting her over to see what we’d done to the house since he’d moved in, and I sent one to Chris. The only difference between said messages was that on Chris’, I had just said I was ready to tell him. He’s seen me go through shit, he’s probably one of the only people who has witnessed me having an episode or a panic attack without knowing anything. It didn’t take long for him to respond, simply saying he would be over early.

Once this was done, we both cuddled into each other. It took Louis minutes to fall asleep. Me on the other hand, it didn’t come easily. So many thoughts were running through me, nerves eating me up from the inside. Of course, I knew neither Chris or Jay would treat me any differently, but there was still that fear buried inside me. For a good hour, I tried to fall asleep, but it wasn’t happening. 

Finally admitting I wasn’t getting to sleep anytime soon, I wriggled out of Louis’ embrace. He curled in on himself, a large smile making its way on to my face as I looked on. I couldn’t help myself from grabbing my phone and taking a picture of him. I walked out and ran down into my basement which I had turned into a miniature studio. I looked around me, taking everything in. Even now, it doesn’t feel real. 

I still feel like I’m inside a dream that is never ending. At times I feel like I’ll wake up and be that homeless, hungry, sixteen-year-old again. Gosh, it was only four years ago. It seems like a long time, but it really isn’t. The amount I’ve done in that time is ridiculous. I’ve released two albums, toured both of them, written for numerous other artists, helped produce occasionally, and I get to travel the world. 

So many people who are in the same industry as I am get lost in everything. Not knowing how to differentiate between the bubble they are wrapped up in and what is really important. I’m lucky in the sense that I know how to do so, because it makes it impossible for me to lose myself. My eyes glanced at the large filing cabinet that I kept my lyrics in. That familiar itch came to me and I grabbed a few sheets of paper and a pen, sitting down at the desk I had here. Soon, my hand was flying from left to right, but this time I didn’t black out as I wrote. By the time I had finished with it, only fifteen minutes had passed. I quickly read through it when two lines stuck out to me.

Holding me down, tight in place.  
Until the tears run down my face.

I might not have blacked out as I wrote it, but it still almost felt like an out of body experience. Like something took over my body when I got that itch. I was shocked at it, because it had been a long time I had written about well, that. I try my best not to think about it, and I’m guessing I wrote about it due to me telling people later today. It was 4am now. My eyelids were heavy and with that I sat it down and made my way back upstairs, easily sliding back in to my boyfriends embrace.

I woke up six hours later, and Louis was nowhere to be seen. I frowned a little before kicking the covers off me and going looking for him. I found him in the kitchen, sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal. He smiled up at me once he spotted me, but I could see the nerves behind it. I was about to ask why he was nervous when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around to find Chris coming out of the downstairs toilet. He looked over to me, a wary look in his gaze. 

No wonder Louis looked nervous. I didn’t expect Chris to have gotten here so early. I grabbed myself a banana and sat down next to Louis. The older man didn’t seem to know what to do, but eventually he sat down between us. The silence was suffocating, but I wasn’t telling him yet. Louis said under his breath we were waiting on his mum to arrive as we were telling them together. He gulped deeply under his breath, telling us both that he was terrified over what I was going to tell him. 

Twenty minutes later, I heard the doorbell ring which told me it was either Jay or Gemma. I’d text my sister the night before to tell her I was ready to open up. I was scared for another reason because of this. She’s never met Jay. This will be the first time that Louis’ mum has met a member of my family. I hoped it was my sister in some part of my mind, wanting to stalk time. Well, I was correct, but not wholly. The older woman standing beside her with a confused look on her face. 

There was no backing out of it now, they were here. I tightened my lips, enough to show how hesitant I was about telling them. Louis and Gemma stepped in by asking them to sit in the living room and both stating firmly to not push me to speak. Let it be on all my own terms. This only confused the pair more than previously. I stayed back for a few moments to keep my breath steady and also grabbing a bottle of water and tissues. I plopped myself in between my sister and boyfriend, looking at both Chris and Jay with a look I didn’t know. 

“What is it you want to tell us?”

Jays soft voice was the first to break the silence and I flinched involuntarily at it. The fact that she spoke only seemed to make everything more real for me. Gemma grabbed my hand tightly and whispered a few careful words into my ear. It calmed me down slightly, just enough for me to say without stuttering;

“Everything. I can’t hide it from either of you anymore. You’ve both pieces bits of it together over the last however many years, but there’s still a large chunk you’re missing.”

They both looked at each other with shock written all over their features. Neither of them were expecting me telling them the entire thing, they simply assumed it was only a small portion of it. 

“Take your time, love. Like you did with me when you told me- “

“Louis, I tried to hide it from you as well, we split up because of it.”

He shut his eyes for a minute, breathing deeply. I always got snippy when I was thinking about it in depth, but I didn’t want to miss anything out. I wanted to tell them once and no more times than that.

“Chris, I told you weeks ago that our biological dad was an alcoholic. Do you remember that?”

He bit his lip and nodded. Jay’s eyes widened both at what I’d said, finally realising why I reacted the way I had when she had an alcohol dependency, and also at realising who Gemma was.

“He- he- “

My sister squeezed my hand again and took over for me, clearly sensing how difficult a position I was in;

“He had anger problems too. I didn’t know anything, nor did my mum on it. We just knew he liked a drink but not the extent of it. It went on for years- “

“He abused us. My brother and I. Physically, mentally, and- and sexually.”

Their hands were clasped around their mouths in horror, not expecting it.

“I was five the first time it happened. Like Gemma said, neither she or our mum knew about it. To them, he was just somebody who enjoyed a drink too many. It went on for two and a half years, we hid it so well.”

A few tears had started to fall down my cheeks now, feeling that imaginary anvil pressing down on my chest and making it difficult for me to breathe. Louis wasted no time in pulling me in close to his chest, letting me cry into his shirt. Gemma continued for me now;

“We found out, and in a horrible way. Our mum and me went shopping for the day, wanting some girl time. About two hours into it however, we- we got a call. On the other line was Marcel- screaming, crying. We knew then something was wrong. We raced home and when we got there, the police were just pulling up. We pushed our way in, I got by quicker as I was smaller and more agile than our mum being eleven and all. Marcel was sitting down in the corridor, sobbing uncontrollably, muttering about being a failure. Two policemen were on the landing now and worked on breaking down their bedroom door, it didn’t take long. He- “

She cut off now and soon she was curled into my remaining side crying into my chest as well. It was just a chain now, we were seeking comfort in each other.

“She walked in on him being raped mum, he was eight.”

Nobody spoke a word after this, nobody could. Jay was sobbing silently if the black lines from her mascara were anything to go by. Chris was sitting there absolutely stunned, not knowing what to think. All in all, it took me nearly two hours to tell them everything. A look of pure disgust was coating Jay’s face when she learned what triggered the episode that almost led to me killing myself. Now understanding how family could be so cold and unsupportive.

They stayed after that, until I had calmed down. Once I had, they wasted no time in wrapping me in a very tight hug and rubbing my back softly. More people were now in on the loop, and it was a massive relief. However, there will always be a cloud hanging over me no matter what. There’s nothing I can do but accept it.


	22. Twenty-one

I grunted lowly in my throat as more brushes ran over my face. It was now only two days until Louis’ birthday and everything had been organised. It had taken me a while to do so considering he had family that lived in Sweden, France, and Italy. I had gotten their numbers and emails from Jay and I had gotten in contact with them to see if they would want to come. They were shocked at seeing me despite knowing Louis and me were together, but all stated they didn’t have enough money considering the time of year. 

It took a lot of haggling because I wanted to surprise Louis with his entire family later in the day. I’d already hired out a nearby hotel that usually doubled as a reception for weddings, but I wanted to go all out. Twenty-one is not just another year, it’s considered by a lot of people as the official adult year. That was when I offered to arrange flights and accommodation for them. They’d put up a fight at first, but after that all that was needed was haggling. Eventually we all agreed that I would sort out rooms for them and they would deal with their own flights. 

They were due to arrive tomorrow night which was just enough time to get everything organised. I wanted this birthday to be something for him to remember. I snapped out of it soon after at feeling Lou tug at my hair, deciding what to do with it. There wasn’t much that could be done other than brush it and hope it didn’t turn into an Afro. Long curly hair was a nightmare to tame at the best of times. Eventually she just grunted and grabbed some gel which she watered down and ran it through the front to give the illusion of volume. 

This was my first of three interviews I had scheduled during this break. I should be used to being made up but even now I hated it. There was no way around it though so I bit my tongue and let them finish. Twenty minutes later they finally left me alone with Lou who was now busy braiding Lux’s hair. I smiled at the pair of them. I’ve known Lou for a very long time and it was a shock when she applied to be my hairdresser.

“So what are you doing for Louis’ birthday, then? Anything planned?”

I just shrugged and took out my phone to text my sister.

“I’ve booked out a room in a hotel and arranged for his family who live overseas to be here. His present is at Gemma’s but I still feel like there’s something else I could do.”

She made a humming noise at that. She finished off her daughters hair and a second later the toddler ran outside in search of someone to annoy.

“Just fuck him really good, he won’t complain with that.”

Immediately, my face turned a bright red that showed through the makeup they had put on me. She chuckled at me and continued;

“I’m guessing from that face you’re usually bottom.”

I didn’t say anything, all I did was take a sip of my drink and looked away in embarrassment.

“I don’t know, Lou. We’ve only made love twice and yes, both times I bottomed. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to- “

She smiled warmly my way before walking over and placing a hand on my shoulder. She knew some things from Bobby but not everything. One day I would like to tell her but now didn’t feel like the right time.

“How are the proceedings going with you and Tom, then? Finally getting to a stable agreement?”

A tired smile came onto her face then as she sat down beside me. Her and Tom had been together for years and they were engaged for a long time. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t work out and now they were slowly cancelling everything they’d booked for their big day whilst also having a three-year-old to look after. I’d stepped in to take the toddler whenever she needed it because she was way too young to understand what was going on.

“We’ve come to an agreement over Lux, and we’ve now almost completely cancelled everything. But I need to speak to you, Harry, about something we decided.”

I frowned at this and leaned forward in attention. 

“It’s a big ask and it’s ok if you say no- “

“Lou, quit stalling and tell me.”

She sighed deeply before continuing;

“Tom and myself wanted to ask you to be Lux’s godfather.”

Shock came over me in that second as I looked at her with my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open. Words seemed to be stuck in my throat because that was a big honour. 

“Of- of course, Lou. I’d be delighted to have that ball of energy as my goddaughter.”

A large smile broke out on her face but this disappeared as a security guard opened the door to let us know it was show time. It was on This Morning and it would be nice to see Holly and Philip again. I’ve met them a few times before and we always had a good laugh with each other. I gulped down the remainder of my water before attaching my microphone to my top like I’ve done so many times before that it was almost automatic. 

I was led through corridor after corridor, none of it sticking in my mind. I’d gotten used to buildings like this but I was rarely here and due to that I was hopeless. At least I had someone leading me to where the interview was taking place. We made small conversation on the way there but nothing long. I sighed in relief at seeing the open studio and the couches set up with cameras ready to roll. They were turned off momentarily for a break and I was led over, I shook hands with both.

“We’re back and look who’s joined us!”

I blushed at Philip’s excited tone. I waved shyly to the camera and said hello to the pair despite already saying so a few minutes prior. 

“So, what have you been up to then? You have a few weeks off, right?”

I nodded and filled him in;

“Yeah, I actually had a six week break after my tour finished. Haven’t been doing much to be honest, I’ve just been lazy. I’ve been so busy the last few years and it’s nice to just chill out and spend time with those who mean a lot to me.”

A quiet ‘aw’ left Holly’s mouth at that but my smile was evident. Today was a good day, compared to the shitty ones I’ve had recently.

“Some pictures have been going around recently and it appears your partner has moved in with you, is there truth to this?”

Once again, I blushed furiously.

“Yeah, he moved in with me just over a week ago. He had his own place for a few months but the rent was a bit much for him to keep up on and things didn’t work out. But we’d talked previously about living together so it wasn’t spur of the moment or anything.”

They were smiling towards me again, it being obvious just how much I loved Louis. 

“I’m guessing the wardrobe and whatever else are filled then?”

I snorted at this which confused them a bit, sensing something amusing behind what they’d said.

“Filled? I had to let him use a wardrobe in one of the spare bedrooms and even then there’s still stuff he can’t fit.”

They both tightened their lips but it was useless. Seconds later they had both broke down into uncontrollable laughter. I knew when I get home I was going to be getting a very annoyed look thrown my way but if I can’t embarrass him occasionally then there was no point being in a relationship. 

“He actually needs another rooms storage to fit his clothes?”

A high pitched noise left him as he continued to laugh. I was chuckling along with them.

“Yeah, he’s bad. He’ll deny it but he’s probably got more than me and I’ve got a lot. But that’s nothing, it’s something small to pay for someone I deeply care for to live with me.”

They’d stopped laughing now but the tears in their eyes from it were still visible. 

“What are you doing for Christmas, then? Spending time with your boyfriend and family?”

I froze momentarily at that but it was only a second. It wouldn’t be noticeable unless people were really looking for it.

“I’ll be spending it with Louis and his family, and my sister. I haven’t been in contact with anyone else in my family for almost seven years. We’re actually just going to give presents and whatever on Christmas Eve as that’s actually Louis’ birthday. Not that his little sisters complain though.”

I could tell they wanted to know more about my family, but they could tell I was reluctant. I changed the topic quickly because I didn’t want to spill too much without being ready. So instead they proceeded to ask me if I’d gotten him anything and I replied yes but they were not getting told. I knew that Louis would currently be ripping apart the house looking for whatever I’d gotten him. Gemma still had her and she’s sent me pictures of her playing with her cat. It was very adorable, and in only two days we would have the little munchkin.

“So, just over a month ago something happened. Care to explain?”

I frowned a little but I saw he was pointing to the screen they used to play videos. My eyes widened in shock at seeing something that now felt like a dream. I watched in slow motion almost as we got out of the car and making our way into the hotel lobby. I watched as he tumbled a little but was caught due to being so drunk. I saw myself turn around to help them get him in so he wouldn’t embarrass himself further. And I watched as he leaned in to kiss me. This was the first time I’d seen what happened that night and tears were building up in the corners of my eyes.

“You’ve been seen with him a lot through the years, and this seemed suspicious. It’s only when you look at your shocked face that it became obvious there wasn’t something else going on.”

I gently ran a hand underneath my eyes, collecting the numerous unspilled tears. I hated crying on camera, actually, I hated crying in public in general. 

“Yeah, nothing ever went on with us that way. I’ve known Niall for five years and his dad actually let me live with them. In fact, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be sitting here. It was actually through his dad that I met Simon. He’s like another brother to me. So, I was shocked when he kissed me. I had a couple of days off and we made the most of it and went out. I wasn’t drunk to the point that I was delirious like he was, so I knew what was going on. But I haven’t spoken to him since- “

I tilted my head towards the screen to finish off my sentence. 

“You don’t hate him at all for that?”

A couple more tears fell from my eyes which I quickly wiped up.

“I can’t hate him for one sole reason. A lot of people don’t know this but if it weren’t for Niall convincing his dad to let me live with them, I’d have been dead a long time ago. He saved my life. I could never hate the person who not only gave me an opportunity like this- accidental or not- but saved me.”

They were both stunned into silence at that, the impact of my words weighing heavy on them. In this show you don’t really talk much about darker topics, it’s usually lighthearted. But when it came to me, not much was lighthearted. That was an in between I haven’t had in so long that I’ve forgotten what it was actually like. The cameras shut off momentarily again, signifying there was another break. Holly leaned over and gently placed a hand on my lap, giving me what could only be described as a motherly look.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I’d have known.”

I nodded a little but said with a short chuckle underneath it;

“You wouldn’t have known if you didn’t ask. It’s ok, Holly.”

She still seemed hesitant but as she stared into my eyes, she saw in my gaze that I wasn’t fucking with her. Usually my bluntness concerning things like this surprised people, but she just seemed to accept it. She was likely trying to piece things together in her head with the minimal information I had given her. That was when I froze in shock. I’d just told people things I normally keep hidden.

Without being forced to.

Without feeling like I had to.

Without any hesitation.

Without having a panic attack or an episode.

Only a few weeks ago this would have been the complete opposite. I wouldn’t have lied per say, but I wouldn’t have told people. I’d have said something along the lines of it being personal and then the topic would be changed. As I walked back to the dressing room, a bubble seemed to appear around me. People were giving me space in realisation, but it was in a respectful way. Not in a way that it was in pity. More of a silent thanks for being honest and telling people going through similar it can happen to anyone. Lou gave me a stern glare but this softened almost immediately. She rushed over and pulled me in for a tight hug, and that was when I broke.

“You get home as soon as possible. Chris is already outside in the van to take you home.”

I nodded into her chest before she escorted me out to the back exit. I spotted both a few people looking at me strangely, as if they were really seeing me for the first time as a person and not a celebrity. The entire journey home, Chris was asking me questions like how it went, among other things. My responses were one-worded and quiet, he realised why I was so cut off. With that, he concentrated on driving me home. When I walked inside though, I was met with Louis who looked furious.

“What the hell were they playing at? Asking you things like that?!”

I winced at his voice and he noticed how vulnerable his tone made me feel. Then he walked over and pulled me into a tight hug.

“I hoped he would’ve gotten into contact with me by now. It’s been over a month, Louis. He’s still ignoring every text, every phone call, every email- “

“What if you spoke to him through your dad? He’s your brother, Harry. As is Greg, and Denise. And Theo is your nephew.”

I was confused at his wording but I soon understood what he was getting at. He meant me asking Bobby whilst he was on the phone to him without his knowledge.

“It won’t happen now, not until after new year. Bobby flew to Ireland to be with Greg and Theo for the holidays. I’d imagine Niall is doing the same too. I just want to know because if he is struggling in coming to terms with his sexuality I’ll be able to help him. Or even if it was just him being an affectionate drunk. I won’t know unless he picks up his fucking phone.”

Then I was crying again. Louis stood on his toes so he was the same height as me and of me sob into his neck.


	23. Twenty-two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hint hint, a new character is going to be introduced in a few chapters and she is quite important to a piece of the storyline. My head is swimming with ideas for book three but the remainder of book two is planned out and multiple other chapters are written.

Even now, five years later, it was still hard to do this. Every year on Christmas Eve, I went to the graveyard. Not for long, I usually never lasted longer than ten minutes before I was breaking apart. It was 7am and Louis was showering just now since he demanded he was coming with me. I hated it when he did, because it was his birthday and I always felt as though I tainted that for him. But every time he denied it and said something along the lines of him not being selfish. Where he got that thought process from, I don’t know as I’ve never asked. At times, there are question that just shouldn’t be asked no matter what, and to us this was one of those questions.

Gemma had gone the night before with Michal so we would be alone. I was glad for that because if we saw each other in that kind of state it would no doubt cause the waterworks to break and never turn off. Neither of us have ever liked seeing one another in a vulnerable position. I’d barely slept, my arm screaming for me to write something. I’d gotten up from bed once I knew for certain Louis was asleep before making my way into my home studio. 

I only wrote for perhaps an hour, but I’d gotten through two songs. So many songwriters nowadays spend weeks on one yet here’s me getting through one in only thirty minutes. No wonder I’ve written over a thousand of them. A few days prior I’d plucked up the courage to hand one of the dirtier boxes over to Simon as there was no way I was recording them. I knew I would never be able to sing them live so it was just pointless in me keeping them. He was hesitant at first, but as soon as he noticed I was serious, he had taken them with a heavy heart. 

So many people see him as a bad guy, when in reality he is a sweetheart. If anybody saw the way he is with Lauren, Eric, or his dogs, they would be shocked. Yes, we’ve had a lot of disagreements but honestly, who doesn’t disagree with people when they’re in a contract? It doesn’t matter if it’s something silly like £20 or in my case multiple millions, eventually it happens. But if it weren’t for him, I would not be here. I hate to think what I would be doing because at the time I had no qualifications to my name and there aren’t many jobs who take on with that.

Now though, I had four A-Levels under my belt. That year was a lot of work. Not just because I saw Louis almost every day and couldn’t hold his hand or kiss him. Not just because of the bullying. But because it was a heavy reminder of what happened to my brother. For a long time I had blamed not only him but myself for allowing him to give up. But when I witnessed it first hand, it finally made sense. It was morbid, and it was a disgusting realisation on my part, but it couldn’t change the past. Louis jogged downstairs soon after and he walked towards me with a sad look in his eyes, I knew immediately what was coming.

 

“Harry, you don’t have to do this- “

I huffed under my breath that was deliberately just loud enough for him to hear. I knew immediately, despite not looking at him, that he was hurt and offended by that action.

“Yes, I do- “

“Listen to yourself, Harry. It seems like you’re desperately trying to get over everything in a couple of days which is not a good way to go about it.”

My hand gripped the mug I was holding tightly and I felt my blood circulation start to cut off. I relished on the sharp pain that it brought. 

“No, Louis. Listen to yourself. I know it’s hard for you as you’ve only ever seen me be someone who runs away from all their issues, and keeps their demons locked away so they cannot be found. But I can’t do that anymore.”

Now, I slowly released my grip and immediately my fingers went numb at feeling my blood rushing through my veins steadily again. Louis had not moved from his position after I verbally defied him. We rarely got into any sort of argument, so to say he was shocked and hurt was an understatement. Despite this, he began to walk over to me, searching for any signs of hesitance in my body language. When he found none, he pulled me into a tight hug.

“What do you mean? I get what you’re saying but not the meaning behind everything.”

I sighed deeply and carefully ran my palm over the small of his back, breathing in the strong scent of his cologne. I closed my eyes and let myself momentarily get lost before replying;

“I cannot run from my past anymore, but I can run towards my future. And I don’t want my future to be like this.”

Where the words came from, I have no idea. One second I was trying to think of how to word it and the next they fell from my lips. As I thought more into it, I knew that they were true. The more I linger on what happened in the past, the more it will affect me in the future. 

“She got through to you. Lisa, that is.”

I froze now as that realisation dawned on me. He was right. It’s been just over two months since Niall first hired Lisa behind my back, and now she’d finally cracked open my shell. It had taken those around me a minimum of six months to do that, and she had done it in a fraction of the time. When I done research into these kinds of things the first time I had a therapist, that connection had never been made. Yet now it had. A connection was something people who have recovered or gotten to a medium say was the first real step apart from opening. Both have now happened.

I refused to think more into it however as there was something I had to do. I quickly downed whatever was left of my morning cup of coffee and giving Louis a sad look. I hate it when he sees me in a vulnerable position, I always have. But that’s simply a dynamic I’ve got to accept. We’ve been together for over two years now, it’s not been a couple of weeks. The drive was very long. The entire time I was looking down at my lap and twiddling my thumbs together. It was only recently I noticed just how often I actually did this.

Louis occasionally shot a glance my way, analysing my expression for no more than a second before focusing on the road once more. He knew I was in no state right now to drive so he had stepped in himself. It’s rare that we were in a car together with no one else. Most times we were, Chris was normally with us or a driver. So there was an odd aura around us which was intensified with the impending shadow over where we were going. Louis’ only been here a mere three times with me; the first being when I told him, last Christmas, and my birthday. 

Approximately fifteen minutes later, we finally pulled up outside a familiar rusted gate. Surprisingly, there were a few people here this morning. Any time I’ve came previously, it was empty. With that, I pulled my hood up in case someone recognised me. Normally I don’t mind it if people recognise me as long as they don’t treat me different. But I did not want people to see me in this kind of state. I don’t think I’ve ever really cried in public. They have a few times, but not any of my genuine cries.

It’s disgusting that when a person really needs help it gets ignored by so many people, yet when they want help they get everything handed to them. Mostly, when people want help, it isn’t over anything that serious. The sad thing is people don’t realise it. Yet to me, and to other people who struggle with mental problems like myself, it is obvious. It sticks out like a neon yellow against a jet-black background. I snapped out of it and carefully sat down next to the large stone.

It was weird being here after so long. The last time I had been was the morning of my twentieth birthday which was ten months ago. A couple of weeks prior, I had gotten into contact with someone to remove the previous stone and to make a new one. Now, there were only three names on it instead of four, but it was still three too many. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes and the whole time Louis was hugging me tightly, showing me just enough affection to prove he wasn’t going to do anything. 

When I did start speaking, it took seconds to burst into tears. It felt like I had an anvil pressing into my chest that was aflame, the flames licking away at my body and covering me in unimaginable pain. But it wasn’t physical pain. It was just a trick my mind liked to play on me. In those few minutes, I spoke every agonising thought that haunted me even to this day. Apologies for pushing my mum away, apologies for not being a better brother. 

The entire time, Louis sat beside me with his lips tightened to the point they almost disappeared. He knew it wasn’t his place to talk about things like this, so he had no other choice than to support me in these torturous moments. It felt like it had been hours before I had gotten everything out, spilled the locked up contents in my heart, but it had only been around ten minutes. 

“Can we go home?”

Louis couldn’t do anything other than nod. The fact that not a single tear had fell from him tore away at me. We still had a few hours before we were heading to his mums and Gemma was coming over then with the pup. I can’t wait to see his reaction to the little fluff ball. The journey home felt like it lasted seconds because now there wasn’t a thundercloud following us, and I was glad for that.

“I’ll never be able to thank you enough, Louis.”

He paused and turned to me with a quirked brow.

“Love, you don’t need to thank me for anything. You’re my boyfriend, and you’re also there for me whenever I need you, it’s only fair I return the favour.”

It’s only fair I return the favour. Normally whenever he said anything like this, I despised it. It reminded me that at times we’ve got such an odd dynamic with one another. But for some reason, this time, it didn’t give that affect. Instead, I felt butterflies erupt inside of me and tension in my muscles I knew so well. I walked towards him and a moment later crashed my lips against his. A deep moan left his mouth when I done so and he instantly kissed back with equal amounts of passion.

I was rarely in control as I’m such a fragile person naturally. But right now, I wanted the control. I wanted to own him and to show him how he made me feel. I wanted to make it feel like he was melting in a puddle at my feet. With a deep burning desire I pulled away and sponged a couple of kisses along his jaw. I moved slowly, starting right next to where his jugular was, moving to the sharp angle where his jaw met his neck, and to his sweet spot directly below his ear.

“I want to top.”

I’d barely whispered the words into his ear but it had been enough to drive his senses crazy. Slowly, we moved back until we reached the stairs. Our lips never once left one another as we done so, both of us on a high of anticipation. It was only a few moments later when I shoved open our bedroom door and moving him to the foot of the bed. He wasted no time in leaning back and shuffling up until he was in the centre of the bed. I hesitated momentarily as nerves ate at me inside, but they were thrown out by a deep burning desire.

I basically tore my top off and slowly climbed on top of him, the position being so weird to me. But it was weird in a great way. I dipped my head to connect our lips once again, one of my hands snaking along the back of his neck and tangling into his slightly longer hair. He wasn’t growing it out or anything, he was just fed up of dealing with it and left it to do its own thing. Not that I minded as I loved playing with his hair.

He opened his mouth to take a deep breath and I wasted no time in slipping my tongue past his lips to battle him for dominance. Normally, I melted in seconds when we done this, but I was determined to not do so this time. He appeared to be fighting it off as well for a while but eventually he caved in and let me take the reins. My free hand slowly worked on unbuttoning his jeans and slowly pushing them down his legs and then I removed my own.

I stopped kissing him so I could pull his top over his head, leaving us both completely bare apart from our underwear. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest in anticipation. I dipped my hips lower to give us both some of the pressure we were craving, choked gasps leaving our mouths in the process. I repeated this for a few moments before slowly removing his boxers. I’ve given him handjobs and blowjobs before, but I usually preferred it when it was me on the receiving end. 

It might be seen as selfish on my part but he didn’t mind much. But as I was taking control for one of the first times in our relationship, it was an all or nothing thing. I started at the base, running my palm until I was at the tip, and added some pressure against his slit. A deep throaty moan left him as I done so. I might not be the one out of us to do this often, but that didn’t mean I had no idea on how to have him completely submit to my mercy.

I only pleased him for a couple of minutes because I wanted to irritate him. He’s done the same thing to me on numerous occasions, it was about time I played the same game as him. I reached over to pull open the drawer we kept the condoms and lube in, grabbing a foil packet and a bottle. Honestly, I didn’t want to use a condom as I knew how much better it felt without but I knew from experience myself that it was more painful to begin with when not wearing one. And I don’t want to have Louis in any more pain than he needs to be.

I drizzled some of the cool liquid onto my fingers and spread it around until they were fully coated. It seemed that it was only now that he realised I was serious about wanting to attempt being on top. He bit his lip and gulped lightly. I remembered that he’s only been on bottom once and that had been with his ex, someone he didn’t want to be reminded of. In that moment, I knew I had to make this a night to remember. So his memories of being in this position weren’t tainted with his past.

My free hand returned to pumping his dick whilst I moved my other down towards his bum to begin prepping him for me. In his eyes I saw a slight hesitance but underneath it was that familiar burning desire that I felt pouring deep into my bones. I leaned down to attach our lips and I slowly began to slip in my middle finger. He paused momentarily as he got used to the intrusion and after a moment he nodded his head to let me know I could continue.

Approximately five minutes later I finally had three fingers slipping in and out of him, occasionally curling up into his prostate. As I was doing this, I took off my own boxers and ripped open the foil package to put it on. It took me a couple of attempts for me to do so with one hand but I managed. I asked him breathily if he was ready for me and he nodded feverishly. With that, I removed my fingers and wiped the remainder lube on the sheets before drizzling myself with a bit more, making sure it was evenly spread out. 

When I finally pushed in to him, my senses all but exploded. He was so tight, his muscles clenching almost painfully around me. But it felt incredible. I didn’t move for a good minute so he could get used to me. It still felt weird being in this position, but I cannot deny I loved having power over him. When he finally gave me the permission I was waiting for, I slowly began to rock in and out of him. 

I moved my hands up towards his face to cup his cheeks, my fingers moving to tangle against his hair once more. Our eye contact never once broke, every single feeling we had for each other being transmitted to one another in a dance only we knew. I leaned over to join our lips again but we were moaning and panting more than we were kissing. It took me a while to find his prostate but when I did, it was unmistakable. His body arching up into mine and he practically vibrated in pleasure against me.

Now, I slowly sped up in my movements, finding that perfect pace that would help us reach our ends quicker. I could already feel that familiar knotting sensation in the pit of my stomach and if the way his eyes were screwing shut, I knew he was holding off. I reached down in between us and began pumping him in time with my thrusts, an almost animalistic noise leaving him as I done so. He gripped my wrist tightly and began to say my name before he released over our chests.

It only took me two more thrusts until I all but exploded. As soon as I came back to reality, I chuckled lightly before slowly pulling out, knowing he was going to be sensitive now. I rolled over beside him and cuddled him in close to me. He fell asleep not long after and I quickly set an alarm for when we had to leave, making sure to leave enough time to get dressed and make ourselves not look so sex-drugged.

When that annoying noise broke us out of our naps, I groaned in annoyance. I rolled over and only remembered now I was still wearing the condom. I removed it and disposed of it then before jumping into the shower to clean off. My chest was sticky with both sweat and cum but I didn’t mind at all. Where I even got the courage to rule over him like that, I have no idea. But I didn’t regret a thing. I stepped out not long after and got changed again before moving towards my sleeping boyfriend.

“Love, we need to leave in about forty minutes. You’d better shower.”

A high pitched whine escaped his throat at that, clearly not wanting to get out of bed. I lightly traced along his jawline for a moment before starting to tickle him incessantly. After a minute he finally gave up and moved out of bed, and walking into the en-suite to get a shower. It shouldn’t have surprised me that we were running late. Louis is just someone who has a talent for never being on time for anything. Even if more of it is made, it still happens.

When we finally arrived at his mums, she gave him a stern glare because she knew that I was rarely not on time. He simply shrugged and gave her a puppy eye look before going in search of his sisters to annoy them. She asked me when Gemma was coming over with the pup but she didn’t need to because at that exact moment I watched as Michal’s car pulled up in the driveway. This was a big step. Gemma is the only biological family I have left and she hadn’t been introduced to most of Louis’ family, and today she was.

She was cradling the pup tightly in her arms and I wasted no time in walking over and carefully taking her. She sniffed me warily at first, but soon recognised the scent as she began yapping in excitement and licking my face. I thanked them for looking after her until now before leading them inside. I caught Jay give my sister and I a lingering look but I didn’t comment on it. Once the door was closed, I placed her down and she began roaming around. I followed after her with a smile on my face. I let her do this for a further five minutes before carefully picking her up once again and going in search of my boyfriend. I found him not long after in the living room, his eyes widening in surprise.

“Happy birthday, love.”

He was clearly stunned as he stared at the happy pup in my arms. I walked over towards him and sat down next to him. He placed a hand out for her to sniff and she did so eagerly, deciding if he was a threat or not. She clearly didn’t as a moment later she leapt out of my arms and began licking his face like a lollipop, a high pitched chuckle escaping him in the process.

“I haven’t named her yet, she’s about three months old.”

For the next hour, we played stupid games, Louis opening his other presents. Jay getting him a new cologne, and his sitters getting him stupid things. I snorted in laughter at Félicité giving him a razor and telling him to shave more. He simply quipped up that some people like the rugged look, causing me to blush deeply and her to give him a disgusted one in response. He gave us all a funny look as we all started getting our jackets and other things on but he followed along with us.

We drove there separately, not wanting to accidentally spill anything. I surprised myself by not accidentally saying anything. I wonder how he will react. When I pulled up outside the hotel with the others following closely behind, he gave me a weirder look. This turned to annoyed once he realised I knew exactly what we were doing and I had set this up behind his back. But I don’t think he will mind once he lays his eyes on members of his family he hasn’t seen together in years. 

It’s certainly something I wish I could do, but it simply is not. There have been times when a member of my biological family has reached out but I blocked the ones who did. If they were truly sorry they wouldn’t try to force me to forgive my rapist, nor disown me for being gay. All they want is to be able to say they’re related to someone famous and nothing other than that. Blood doesn’t necessarily mean it is better, the people I call my family are my real family, and they aren’t going to stop being my family.

Louis followed us all quietly, looking at us all in confusion. He probably assumed by now we were throwing a party of some sort, but instead he was being led into a huge surprise. A worker showed us the way to the room I’d hired out for everyone and we all turned to him to wish him a happy birthday before opening the doors. Lottie even flipping her hair comically at the same time to show off, causing us all to laugh lightly under our breaths.

The second he walked inside, his hands flew up to cover his mouth as he let out a loud scream of excitement. A large smile broke out on my face as he turned into a little kid in a sweet shop hugging people he hadn’t seen together in I don’t know how many years. I got a bit lost in thought and I snapped out of it a bit too late because he ran at me. As I was unprepared, he’d taken me off guard and we fell in a heap on the ground, him on top of me.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I smiled widely as his excitement came off him in waves and crashing in to me. A moment later he leaned down to kiss me gently, but this was broken by an ‘ack’ noise from Félicité. 

“Keep that for in the bedroom, there are kids in here!”

At that comment, we both blushed furiously before standing up with sheepish grins on our faces. My sister gave me a quirk of her eyebrow at the comment, making my cheeks turn an even darker shade of red. She clearly read in between the subtle change as she wolf-whistled. Why does she have to be so goddamn irritating? I know it’s normal for siblings to tease each other relentlessly but this was a whole other thing. It didn’t help as this was the first time I was meeting certain members of my boyfriends family. What a lovely first impression.

When nobody was looking, I elbowed her in the ribs before wiggling my eyebrows suggestively towards Michal, now it was her turn to turn into a human cherry. Satisfied with my work, I slowly mingled with people in the room. Those I hadn’t met before were clearly unsure of how to react around me and despite trying to hide it, it was embedded in their body language. I didn’t show them that I knew though because if the tables were turned I would act similarly. Instead, I assured them that I wasn’t stuck up and to treat me like a normal person.

The night went by amazingly well. Drinks flowed, multiple conversations were made, we got an abundance of free food and treats. This combined with the general atmosphere certainly made it a night to remember. It was getting late now, nearing 10pm, and the youngest two were yawning. Slowly, people realised this and we agreed to meet up for dinner some point this week as that was how long they were all staying. 

I’d arranged for my driver to drop us off who weren’t remaining in the hotel to Jay’s. The twins immediately fell asleep and it was clear the other two were as well. They’d had a couple glasses of wine themselves and with them not being used to alcohol, they were drowsy. Louis on the other hand, was biting his lip and seemed to be having a silent conversation with Jay. Mark had left himself an hour before as he had to attend a meeting early in the morning and he wanted to get a decent sleep. I thought it would be awkward for Jay and Mark to be in the same room as each other after so long, but it became clear there was no animosity held between them.

We had people driving our own vehicles back as well and they were then going back wherever with our current driver. That way we wouldn’t need to make the long trek in the freezing cold weather in Christmas morning to collect them from the car park. I helped in carrying one of the twins, placing her in her bed and tucking her in tightly. I couldn’t help but to place a gentle kiss to her forehead and whispering a good night. Jay placed the other in the bed adjacent but I couldn’t look.

It reminded me too much of what once was. My bed had always been the one to the left of the door whereas Marcel’s had been the right to the door. I knew that if I turned around to look at Phoebe I wouldn’t see her, I’d see my own twin. I bit back tears before leaving quietly, looking for my boyfriend. I soon found him in his childhood bedroom and we both wasted no time in climbing into bed with one another. He cradled me close to him, causing me to mewl gently in appreciation before allowing myself to fall into dreamland.


	24. Note.

Before anyone asks, an update will be up in the next couple of days, but there is something I need to say here.

An ode to an incredible woman.

For people who are not aware, this story means so much to me on a personal level. I usually keep my private life away from here but today something happened. Harry and Louis, as characters, are actually based off real life friends of mine. One got fucked over badly with multiple guys and is now extremely insecure, and she's found a guy who treats her brilliantly as does she treat him amazingly. But this isn't about her.

I'll give a small backstory. 11 years ago I was preparing to leave primary to start high school. Naturally I was scared, excited, nervous, etc. In Scotland they have something called an induction week (not sure if you get this in other countries) which is basically for one week in the final primary year, you go to high school. Take the classes for the same time, etc. In my first day I got paired up with three girls for an assignment, I won't say names but one of those girls is the one I'm talking about. 

I'll call her Art for short as that is her initials. We struck up a friendship immediately. Over time I learned disturbing thing about her and I watched her go through some really tough times. At one point she wouldn't even leave her bedroom and developed really bad social anxiety. For a better idea, some things Harry's character is built upon is based solely on my perception of her. She gave me permission to write this long before it had been posted.

I was there for her through everything. When multiple 'friends' we had stabbed us in the back continuously, but it only made our friendship stronger. 6 years ago she moved to South Yorkshire which makes it very difficult for us to see each other in person, but that didn't stop us. Approximately 3 years ago she broke down and admitted to numerous mental problems, even then I stuck by her. Slowly, she went to get help, started to get better. 

Seeing her now, you wouldn't think she'd ever gone through anything like this. Well, this morning I watched as she gave birth to a beautiful and healthy little girl. She's come so far as a person and I've watched her go from a young girl, to an awkward teenager, to a hilarious adult, and now a mother. Needless to say, I am so fucking proud of her. Whenever something happens to me, I automatically think of her and it helps me massively. For people who are reading this from an outsiders point of view much like myself or from a personal point of view, just know that things will get better.

I won't lie, the journey will be painful and it will be long. However, if you surround yourself with the right people and can stand by someone despite their numerous flaws, it will work out. This is a realisation I would not have come to had it not been for that girl I met 11 years ago.

Love you Art ❤️


	25. Twenty-three

I woke up the next morning to someone playing with my hair. I mewled in appreciation at the way their fingers felt running delicately along my scalp, I tilted my head in a little but still refused to open my eyes. I wanted to stay like this for the whole day honestly. A slightly high pitched chuckle broke the silence between us apart from our breathing, telling me it was Louis who was doing this.

"You need to wake up, love. I want to stay in bed all day, too. But if we do you know as much as me that my sisters will jump on us until we do get up."

I snorted at that because he was right about that. I'd learned that the hard way unfortunately. I leaned in a little to softly peck his lips before he could complain about morning breath, then getting out of the comfortable bed. How we even fit on here was a mystery, it was a single bed after all. Yesterday had been fabulous, despite the difficult start. I paused for a moment and despite the movement being so minimal, Louis immediately knew.

"I know, you wish he was here. I wish he was too, I would love to meet your brother. But all is not lost, you've still got your sister."

I closed my eyes and let out a small shaky breath, nodding in agreement. It never gets any easier, thinking about my brother. Especially at this time of the year as it was such a sore topic. Christmas was all about family and giving. Unfortunately, an incredibly important member of my family will never witness another one. It's been nearly seven years since I found him. At times, guilt does eat me up because I know there was a chance of him surviving his self-destruction had I not ignored that text from my mum.

But over time I've come to a more startling revelation. A part of me did blame him for it, and I felt angry over it. He succumbed to the darkness, and I have yet to do so. It angers me at times that I didn't help him out when he needed me the most or where I nearly fell into that pit myself. There was one difference between us that would never change. Marcel didn't know how much his death affected people around him; I did.

It still feels weird, knowing that I had at some point and was resuscitated. For a fraction of my life my heart had stopped beating and I was no longer breathing. That was the one big difference. I saw how much it affected my loved ones when I had been brought back. Their faces in those few moments were ingrained into me and would always be a picture I would happily douse in petrol and chuck a match over. But as the picture was mental, there was no way for me to do that. It's something I won't ever be able to erase. 

It had been a year, it really didn't feel like that. One year ago I was beginning my recovery to a medium again, and immediately after I was back to working full force. People who struggle with mental illnesses usually don't like to throw themselves into something, just surround themselves with people who care for them. This only partially worked for me, distraction was the other factor needed. My work provided the perfect distraction. 

I quickly got dressed and made my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once I had freshened up, it took moments before two girls and my boyfriend were arguing loudly over who was going in first. I rolled my eyes fondly at this. Once I was out, it was a massive blur of Louis, Lottie, and Félicité pushing past each other to get in first. I snorted in amusement when Lottie successfully squeezed in and locked the door. Louis gave me a look but I just shrugged before making my way downstairs.

Even now, it was weird to see Mark. It's been almost two years since he and Jay got divorced, but at least now they were amicable. It had been a while since I had last seen him with him having to go on business trips often and me travelling even more than he did. So it was nice to see him again. He might not be Louis' dad biologically, but blood doesn't always determine family. I of all people know that. 

"So where is my son and eldest daughters?"

I snorted in amusement and replied;

"Fighting over the bathroom, nothing new."

All they could do was nod at that, knowing just as well as I that was true. Louis has always been someone who had a lot of insecurities and took a lot of pride in his appearance. Deep down, I knew that issue linked back to his ex. At times it's difficult to remember he also struggles mentally as well. Any mental health issue is difficult to overcome. Most people don't get over it, just learn to cope with it. The sad truth of the matter is that those who don't know what it's like, assume it's all faked or at least flared up. Considering it something along the lines of a paper cut to a broken bone.

Well, maybe that was a bit harsh of a comparison. But it wasn't far from the truth. I've learnt to ignore comments and assumptions like that, but nobody is truly the same. Two people can look identical yet be nothing like each other, and people who have similar personalities can look completely different. I stayed down to chat with them along with the twins as we waited in the oldest three to appear. 

Currently, Daisy was sitting in between my legs as I braided her hair tightly. It was something Lux forced me to learn and it made me laugh that the hyper girl had forced Louis to learn as well. I've woken up a few times before when he's been playing with my hair, occasionally getting it into a painful knot. I had just tied it off when multiple footsteps thundered down the staircase telling me they were racing each other. I shook my head fondly at that. They're always competing over the stupidest things.

"Presents!"

Phoebe yelled, causing us all to break out a large smile. We normally opened them on Louis' birthday but as we'd gotten in so late last night, we decided to leave it until morning. My guitar was sitting in the corner beside the piano, the same family tradition still in play. The youngest tore through box after box, never looking at something for longer than five seconds before moving onto the next. We agreed not to get anything extravagant, so my boyfriend and I decided to get the girls concert tickets for The Script along with backstage VIP access which they were very pleased with. 

I got Jay a perfume she'd been wanting and I might have cheated a little and got Mark a Dolce&Gabbana watch he had been eyeing for a while if what Louis said was correct. He spluttered on his coffee at that, eyeing me incredulously but I could tell he was thankful for it. We both didn't ask for anything, but I was pleasantly surprised when Lottie handed me over a moleskin notebook in case I got any on-the-spot inspiration. It might be something tiny, but it's the small things that mean the most.

Approximately an hour later there was a knocking on the door. My sister had decided to spend the morning with Michal's family and was coming over for the afternoon. So it was probably them. I was partially correct in my assumption as a plethora of aunts and uncles appeared as well. It made sense why they'd be here, this was probably the first Christmas they'd spent as a family in years. Even now it surprised me that Louis had no cousins. Considering how large his family is especially.

Gifts were passed around and we soon turned on the television to watch a couple of movies. The entire time I was snuggled into Louis who was occasionally pressing a kiss to my forehead. I hummed in satisfaction every time he did so and I caught a few people give us looks of awe. It's amazing really, the amount of people there are who think we aren't actually together. There are so many theories going around but I ignored them all. Although I would admit that there were times I got curious over the extremely weird ones.

Not today though, today was all about family. I eyed my sister cuddled into her boyfriend much like I was as well, and it caused me to smile deeply. I was glad that she had found someone who accepted all her flaws. We'd had a lengthy talk a few times prior over our own personal struggles and now we both had a strong respect for one another. I suspected my sister struggled, but I didn't think it was full-blown anxiety. 

No, it's not as extreme as PTSD or clinical depression, by its still a serious issue. She'd told me that she'd only spoken to someone last year over it and she was still getting used to it. I know what it's like to an extent, but at the same time I don't. The tables had turned in a way I wished they hadn't, but hardly anything ever turns out perfectly. Before I knew it, I found myself falling asleep. 

"Babe, wake up."

I whined in protest which caused him to chuckle deeply in his throat. Slowly, I opened my eyes and had to blink a few times at the bright lights. He ran his fingers through my hair momentarily before shifting away from me to get up. When I took in everyone's attire, I was confused. Were we going somewhere? As if noticing my confusion, a few smiled warmly at me. My sister on the other hand, was probably trying to wolf-whistle but Michal had clamped a hand over her mouth to stop her.

I only got more confused as everyone pulled on their jackets, telling me we were indeed going to do something. My sister kept eyeing me with an excited look but it was Louis who caught my attention. He was biting his lip hard, and it was obvious he was rubbing his palms on his knees to get rid of sweat. He was nervous over something. I was about to ask but Jay broke the silence by saying we would miss the lights if we did not leave right now.

I frowned deeply as some others looked towards me excitedly. What was going on? I know the lights are pretty and all, but something seemed fishy. Despite this, I kept my mouth shut and followed everyone out into the street. Instead of going into the city centre, we made our way to the local park where people annually gathered with friends and family for food, music, and a good time. I rarely ever went considering the amount of attention I usually got, but this was one of the only times I would get to experience a family thing such as this.

When we arrived, my eyes widened at the skating rink that was set up along with multiple food stalls from all over the world. Louis' youngest sisters immediately grabbed my hands and started dragging me towards the rink. I laughed merrily and beckoned my sister over to join. She got a challenging look in her eyes at that before stomping over and grabbing some skates in her size. It had been a while since I had last done anything like this.

Within a few minutes, it became clear my sister was rusty as she had gone up her arse three times. Not that I complained. Eventually, I helped her up and the twins grabbed a hand each to create a chain so we could go around. Louis had decided to stay at the side to watch and I caught him filming us for a bit as well. A few people looked over at me in shock but luckily they didn't bother me on it. I wouldn't mind taking a few pictures considering it is Christmas, but I do want to spent it with family. 

The twins were now climbing on mine and Gemma's backs and we knew then it was time they get out as that would be dangerous. They booed us but soon the eldest two appeared along with Louis. Needless to say, a challenge ensued. After five minutes it became clear that Lottie and myself were the best skaters as we were an entire two laps ahead of the others. I gave her a look out the side of my eye and she obviously got what I was trying to say as we sped up towards them. They were in front of us so they didn't see us. At the last second, we skidded to a halt, which caused shavings of ice to completely cover them head to toe.

"You fucking dick!"

My sister tried to catch me but only fell again much to my amusement. Louis moved over towards me who was still covered in ice from our little prank but he didn't seem to mind as he wrapped an arm around my waist. I leaned in to softly kiss him before we lazily skated around the rink a few more times. We got off soon and made our way over to the food stalls, neither of us knowing what to get. Eventually, I just went with a couple slices of pizza with a box of churro's. Louis got something Spanish but I wasn't sure what, and my sister had sushi. 

We all sat down in the pavement considering there were no benches big enough to house everyone, but we didn't mind. Funny stories were shared between us all in between mouthfuls of delicious food. I snorted in amusement at Louis flicking pieces at Lottie, clearly to get back at her for helping me. She threw a fit at that whilst Félicité, much like myself, was failing in stifling laughter. A few people timidly approached me but I smiled and took a few pictures. Knowing I had made someone's day by doing so on a day such as this made me feel incredible.

Then we finally decided to move over to the outdoor auditorium. I didn't recognise any of the names of who was playing but that didn't matter to me. A good show was a good show after all. However, about half-way through, I caught Louis steadily getting more nervous. He was planning something, and I knew immediately that everyone else was in on it. But what? A couple more sets passed and he excused himself to go to the toilet. I frowned his way but didn't say anything on the matter. However, after fifteen minutes had passed and he hadn't returned, I got worried. I stood up and was about to go and look for him when Jay stopped me;

"He's just text me, Harry. He got lost and now he's on his way back."

Somehow, I knew immediately that was a lie,nautical solidified that everyone else knew what was going on. What was he up to? A loud tapping on the microphone broke us out of everything and we looked down towards the stage. I only got more confused when the girls started walking down. Despite the distance, I spotted the instruments they played down there. How did they get here? Then Louis appeared, in a tight navy blue suit that made my eyes practically bulge out of their sockets.

He winked towards me which caused me to blush deeply and look down flustered. I could feel some people looking on at the exchange with fondness. I didn't expect him to walk towards the microphone. I expected him to speak, but instead he ruffled his hair and fixed his collar, something he did when he was extremely nervous. But why was he nervous? I got my answer soon when a beautiful melody came from the girls instruments and then Louis did something I'd only seen him do a handful of times. He was singing, in front of an audience, lyrics I didn't recognise which told me he may have written it himself. After carefully analysing every lyric, I knew he had as there were too many hints in between the lines that created our bond. When he stopped, I was crying full on and my hand was covering my mouth. Words couldn't describe how proud I was of him, I knew he missed singing but he felt like he couldn't do it anymore after what happened with James.

"Oh come on, get your arse up here, Harry Styles."

I happily obliged despite my face beginning to get puffy, but the massive grin on my face showed it was happy tears. I ran over to him and pulled him into a very tight hug and also pressed my lips against his lovingly. Numerous cheers broke the silence from spectators. I caught Louis reaching into his pocket but I wasn't looking, I was simply too focused on holding him tight to me. But then he pulled away and took the microphone again and began to speak;

"I would like to say a few things here. Thank you everyone, for joining in on this and helping plan everything. It wasn't easy to do so and to make it look non-suspicious from a certain someone who is incredibly analytical. A lot of things have happened between the two of us: from lies, keeping secrets, hiding things from each other, family struggles, attempts at the irreversible, therapy, numerous hospital stints, not to mention long distance on top of it. That's a lot for anyone to go through ever mind one couple. But any time something happened, I only fell a little bit more in love with him. I can't spoil him much, but that does not mean I can't surprise him. Thank you for everybody here helping to arrange this."

My eyes widened now as I looked around in awe. Louis planned all of this? I was too in shock to realise what he was doing. But I snapped back to reality when he kissed me gently once more and whispered an 'I love you'. Then he pulled away. I whined in protest but my hands flew up to my mouth as I spotted a black velvet box in his trembling hands which he was slowly opening. Inside lay what appeared to be a gold and silver ring, delicately designed but I knew what it was. My suspicions were confirmed when he slowly went down onto one knee and spoke just loud enough for me to hear;

"Harry Styles, will you marry me?"


	26. Twenty-four

To make up fo my absence, here’s a damn long chapter. I haven’t edited it yet but will do so in the morning.

I could see him. I could feel him. I could hear him. Slowly, he was edging towards me once again with a folded leather belt in his hands that he was swinging threateningly. I knew what was coming, I always knew what was coming. Yet somehow, every time it happened, I wished it was the last. He chuckled menacingly in his throat as he approached me, his teeth just showing, and his eyes twinkling. The fact he got so much joy out of hurting both me and my brother was disgusting. 

My brother was not in the house today. He had gone to meet up with someone we went to school with. I didn’t know who it was though as we were in different classes. But my mum was at work, and Gemma was also out. Which left me alone with him. There was no escaping him either as he worked from home. Now, he was only around three feet away from me and he stopped for a moment to make it appear as though he was rethinking it this time. But I knew better.

I prepared myself, let the barrier that I’d mastered cover me so he couldn’t see me weak. If he thought he couldn’t break me, he would get fed up and leave. Then when I was in solitude in a place he couldn’t hear, I would let it fall down. I was correct in my assumption as he came even closer to me. My heart began hammering away inside and I could feel the lump stuck in my throat. I didn’t swallow it though. Then a loud crack that was so familiar to me broke the silence. My skin was on fire by the second hit but even then I refused to show any signs. In between each hit, words span around in my head multiple people had said.

“You’re a disgrace.”  
“You are a pathetic little creature. You should not have been born.”  
“How much I want to mark up your little face but I cannot.”  
“Nobody will believe you,”  
“Nobody will listen to a seven-year-old over a thirty-five-year old.”  
“You’ve got nowhere to go, got nowhere to hide. I will always find you.”

The entire time I had my eyes closed and soon the scene changed. I was sitting at a large table and I spotted multiple people in my family sitting here as well. We were in a restaurant and if the look my mum was giving me was anything to go by, this was serious. This was an out of body experience. I was doing things without having any control over my body, like I was a puppet. My mum tapped her glass to catch everyone’s attention and soon they were all looking directly at me.

“I can’t hide it anymore, I’ve known for over a year now. It’s not a phase, nor is it me experimenting. I’m gay. I’m not attracted to females, I never have been and I never will be.”

I watched as their eyes widened in a mixture of shock and disgust and a moment later they were all spitting insults my way and trying to convince me that I was simply confused. My uncle saying something along the lines of god loving me unconditionally and that I couldn’t be as that would be going against that. I slowly shrank back in my seat as numerous memories flashed in my head that I’d much rather forget. My brother was holding my hand tightly as a few tears fell from my eyes. Then the kicker happened;

“Well, since you enjoy buggery so much, you should forgive your father. Repenting a sin for a sin, sounds fair to me. It’s what god would want from- “

At that, my mum shot a furious glance towards my aunt. She was anything but threatening but right now I was sure I could imagine daggers being thrown from her eyes directly into my aunts heart.

“How fucking dare you. Don’t even think about mentioning that around him. What he did can never be forgiven under any circumstances- religious or not. Whether you like it or not, he is gay, and he cannot change that. I am not abandoning him and I will also not undermine him. You all disgust me, and don’t even think about using your religion to justify your close-minded views.”

If I wasn’t already crying, my mouth would have hit the ground in shock. Not once in my life have I heard my mum so angry and so passionate about something. Every word she spoke was true. It did make me feel better but their words were now repeating in my head. They had the cheek to suggest me forgiving my rapist solely because I’m attracted to guys sexually. 

“I’m sorry, Anne, but we can’t have something like that tainting our family- “

“You know what? Fuck every one of you. If you are really that prideful, don’t ever contact us again. We certainly will not. Gemma, Marcel, Harry, come on. We’re going home.”

My eyes shot open at that, my breathing heavy and sweat covering my body. Like I was an autopilot, I reached over to pull a certain notebook over to me and quickly writing down as much as I could remember. These were becoming a lot more frequent. Fragments I’d forgotten or entire scenarios reappearing. Whenever I thought back to when I was still being beaten often, I always remembered my brother being there with me. I was never alone. At least, not truly.

Ever since Lisa audibly suspected I have an issue with suppression, she had also stated that the brain can sometimes fabricate these memories. So it was possible this was one of those cases. I won’t know for certain obviously unless a full memory comes back or I have multiple that it convinces us both. The other though, the one with my family, was a prime example of this new problem I had found within myself. That was exactly how it had all played out. I always remembered pieces of it, but never the entire conversation. 

I felt tears beginning to build up in my eyes but I refused to stop writing. Scared that I would forget it all like it was simply a dream. I made certain not to move too much so I didn’t jostle Louis who was sound asleep beside me. Once I had finished, I let out a loud sigh of relief as I felt the weight disappear from me. Writing always allowed me to let all my emotions out in a contained and safe matter. I moved it over again so it was sitting in my bedside drawer before snuggling back into Louis’ warm grasp, letting sleep take over me. When I did wake up, I spotted Louis beside me reading through the notebook. Normally people would feel violated with this but I trusted him wholly.

“Last night?”

I only nodded before slowly getting out of bed. Immediately, he swooped in to give me a tight hug.

“Was it a dream or- you know.”

The face I made confirmed it was the latter. He gave me a look but immediately hid it as he knows how much I hate sympathy. 

“A part of me always thought you were jumping to conclusions over them bailing him out to spite you despite the proof being there, but this confirms it. I fucking hate it when people try and use religion to hide behind their disgusting beliefs or views. It’s sickening.”

I couldn’t even say anything on it as I thought exactly the same as him. So many people want to know why I’m so secretive over my upbringing, but even one thing that happened would horrify them into silence. I’ve broke before, there’s no saying it can’t happen again. If people did know, they would hound me in times like that whereas if I gave out minimal information they would leave me to come to terms with whatever. I already hate having parts of my life exposed to the world, but there are things I never want to get out.

No, it will not be a secret forever, but I can sure as hell try. Everything eventually unravels and can never be tied up again. Once it’s out, it’s out. I’ve only ever hinted to things that happened, and that’s enough for me right now. I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs to meet Louis who appeared to be pouring milk into a bowl of cereal. I sat down at the table and began scrolling through my phone. I’d gotten a few texts from Gemma and also one from Greg that surprised me. I opened it up hoping it would be something to do with Niall, but it was only a congratulations over our engagement. At that, my eyes trailed down to my ring.

“How did you plan all that and somehow manage to get everyone to remain quiet on it?” 

He sat down in front of me and gave me a warm smile. It had only been two nights ago he proposed to me in such a special way. Yesterday had just been celebrating and joking around, and we now had hangovers. Mines wasn’t horrific, but I could see on his face he had a severe headache.

“I put an ad in the area paper but with our names being something different to evade suspicion. Then the support tumbled in. I made a separate twitter account and temporarily used Félicité’s number to arrange everything. Nobody knew it was us until that night. You’ve always said you wanted to do something at the shows at Christmas here with a family, so there wasn’t a better time. It took nearly two months to arrange it all and keep it from you, but it was so worth it.”

I knew already obviously that he was a massive sap, but even this was out of the box for him. With that said, I snuggled into him.

“I’m surprised there were no damn paps there, even though it was Christmas.”

He turned around to return the same gesture as me and pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.

“It helped that nobody knew it was us, I wanted it to be something just for us and nobody else. Don’t get me wrong I seriously considered doing it at one of your shows in front of everyone, but I didn’t want it to be superficial. I wanted it just to be family and nothing else.”

My eyes dampened a little as he spoke those words. He seemed to realise the weight of them as he rubbed my back softly.

“I wish you knew them. Robin was such a huge personality, could always make you laugh. My mum was always caring and supportive, embarrassing occasionally as well. I remember once when Gemma had her first date she got a wig and did her makeup differently so she could spy on them. My sister was not amused by that. My brother was troubled much like myself, but when you broke in to his shell he was insane. Hell, some mornings he used to grab his mattress and use it to slide down the stairs. Either that or he would use his legs and weight to press himself up against a wall to climb something. My mum hated it when he done it, but he never stopped.”

A couple of tears fell from my eyes at this.

“It doesn’t feel like it’s nearly been seven years since I last saw him or spoke to him or held him close to me. It doesn’t feel like six years since I lost my mum and Robin. They never got to see me do this. They never saw me get my first award, my first number one, going on tour for the first time. I never got to play switch with my brother and to see how long it took people to catch on. I never got to treat them. I always said that I’d get my mum and Robin a nice house in the middle of nowhere. I always said I’d help my sister out with fees and get her a pair of Christian Loubitin’s she’d been eyeing up for weeks. I always said I’d go travelling through Asia with Marcel as he had a huge fascination with the numerous cultures- “

I cut off here as by now I was crying so hard I was struggling to breathe. Louis didn’t say or do anything other than hold me close to him. I rarely spoke about my family in front of him but he knew I wouldn’t stop until I’d gotten everything out of me. I paused for a few moments until I’d caught my breath before continuing quieter than before;

“They never got to know you, Louis. My mum never got the chance the play the same trick with me as she did with Gemma. She never got to be stern or to irritate us about using protection. She never got to see me fall completely head over heels for you. She’d have gotten along brilliantly with your mum, she was so similar to her it’s borderline scary. Robin never got to be the one to take me out for my ‘first’ drink despite knowing it definitely wasn’t. He never got to be someone to walk either of us down the aisle. He never got the chance to pull my mum away when she was being overbearing. Marcel never got the chance to bug me over you. Never got the opportunity to see me be genuinely happy for such a long period of time. He didn’t get to be the protective brother despite him being slightly younger than me. Never pranked you. Never pulled out embarrassing pictures of me to show to you- “

I knew now I couldn’t continue. It just hurt way too much to talk about. I was practically sobbing now, my head pushed into Louis’ chest which was soaked with my tears and his shirt clasped tightly in my fist.

“I wish it would stop. All this hurt. I wish they were here.”

He let go of my free hand and wrapped his arms around my back to hold me close to him. I breathed in his strong musky scent which usually calmed me down but didn’t this time.

“I wish I could take that pain away, love. But I can’t. It’s always going to hurt no matter what you do or say. What you went through was absolutely horrific, there is nothing that can change that. But you haven’t lost everything. You’ve got my mum, you’ve got Bobby, you’ve got Chris, you’ve got me, you’ve got Niall, you’ve got Greg, you’ve got your sister. Then there’s all our close friends. Olly, Chad, Ed, you name it. We’re all here for you and none of us are abandoning you. No, you and Niall aren’t on speaking terms right now but he’ll come to his senses soon. If he got over his grudge and guilt towards his attitude to me when we started getting close, he can get over his guilt towards a drunken mistake. We all love you so much, Harry. Now, as much as it’s rare for you to speak about these things, can we please talk about something else before we’re both crying messes?”

I snorted a little at that, him knowing how to make me feel even slightly better. The weight lifted almost immediately as I thought over what to talk about. My eyes trailed down to the ring and I ran my finger along the crack where gold met platinum

“Why the two metals?”

He sighed a little as he carefully thought over what to say. He’d already revealed he’d had it custom made which upset me a little. I’d already put the pieces together that the thing he’d purchased that led to him not being able to afford his rent that month was none other than this one piece of jewellery. But at the same time I was glad it had happened because it meant nobody else out there has a ring just like this. I want to know why he chose such a simple design however considering he’s normally a lot more spontaneous.

“I wanted two different metals to show that it’s two different people. We’re so different to each other but somehow it works. I deliberately chose platinum and gold for two reasons. Don’t take this the hard way but I’m far from well-off. I earn the minimum a year for part time and you get that in a week when it’s bad for you. Platinum often gets mistaken for silver due to them looking so similar to each other and I wanted that to mean something. Even though I might not have that in comparison to you, we compare on so many other ways. That’s why I chose that metal. The gold was simple, to signify how highly I think of you. You really are special, Harry, even though you might not think that at times. 

“Normally engagement rings are made of one metal to signify a single union, but we’ve had more than that. We had a mental and a physical union. Hence the reference to the two different metals. I don’t know if you noticed it but look closer at the two and see if you can spot it.”

I frowned a little and took it off temporarily to analyse it, looking for whatever hidden treasure he was meaning. For a good minute I didn’t but slowly it clicked. Underneath, there was a tiny gap between the gold and platinum. When they conjoined they slowly got thinner until it was a perfect match on the thickness of each. 

“I wanted it to signify our entire relationship. The slight gap obviously us just being friends in the beginning, slowly getting tighter as we realised we liked each other and finally to now. I’ve been planning this out for nearly a year. I wanted it to be nothing sort of absolutely perfect. I chose not to go down the traditional route with gemstones either because I felt that was a bit too much. I wanted it to be simple and elegant yet hold a story within.”

By the time he had finished, I was crying all over again but this time it was because I was so happy. I pulled him in now and wasted no time in pressing my lips against his own. He reciprocated easily and I groaned in pleasure as he swiped his tongue over my bottom lip. I was enjoying every moment until an annoying ring emanated from Louis’ phone. I was about to beg him not to bother but he shook his head and grabbed it, putting it on speaker.

“What do you want Weirdo?”

I knew immediately who it was then. Of course, leave it to Olly to ruin the moment.

“Get you and your fiancé over here at 8pm, throwing a party. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Then he hung up, leaving Louis and myself stunned and not knowing whether we wanted to be mad or to burst out laughing.

“Looks like we’re going to a party later then.”

That done it for me, a moment later laughter exploded out of me. Today had been a mess of emotions. First I was angry at a certain memory that had resurfaced. Then I got upset speaking about my family and cried. Then I cried of happiness over Louis explaining why he’d chosen this design in particular. Now I was laughing like a maniac at Olly’s no bullshit statement. 

“How about we make it extra special then? Why don’t we take a picture with this on show and confirm it?”

A wide grin took over his face at that telling me he agreed wholeheartedly. We have to tell people we are engaged at some point so why not now? We had a few hours until he wanted us there so that gave us time to ourselves. We watched a couple of films and ate a lot of food to sober us up a little. It was useless to do so anyway considering we’ll be getting drunk again tonight. I only have just over two weeks left of my break until I’m back to work. I’d already said I wanted to focus solely on music this year and to do that no tours. 

I love being on tour but it’s draining. Even more so when recording an album on tour. Whenever I’ve done that previously I was lucky to get more than three hours of sleep each night which was nowhere near enough to function properly. I wouldn’t be against doing so in the future again, but there’s no way I’ll be able to fit everything in if I were to do the same again. When it hit 6pm, we finally decided to get ready. It was a good thing I had a shower in the en-suite off our bedroom as at least we wouldn’t be fighting over it.

For a while, I just stood and let the almost scorching water run over my skin and I could barely see a thing from steam. Once I got out though, I was stuck on what to wear. I didn’t want to dress formally considering it was just a simple party, but I also didn’t want to dress in every day wear. After a few minutes of rummaging through my wardrobe I finally decided to mix and match. I grabbed a loose shirt that was burgundy that had a black design embroidered all over it, a suit jacket to smarten up a little, and black skinny jeans.

I messed around with my hair a little until it was sitting in a way it didn’t look like anything fancy but something has certainly been done. Finally, I sprayed some cologne on me, a smile on my face as it was one that drove Louis crazy. I may as well have a bit of fun with this. I called Olly in advance to ask if we could just stay over his tonight to which he replied yes as long as we kept sex noises to a minimum. If it was possible to do so, I would’ve reached into my phone and punched his definite smirk off his face.

He’s a great guy, but there’s no denying he’s annoying as fuck, as is Chad. How Louis has put up with the pair for twenty-one years baffles me. I’d have gone insane a long time ago if I were him. Chad had recently moved as well to a large flat in Chelsea, solely to be closer to us and to Olly who also stayed there. There was still a thirty minute drive between our house and their flats, but I didn’t mind that. In fact, I liked there was now a fair distance between us because I wouldn’t put it past the pair of them to sneak in on us and getting an eyeful.

When Louis appeared, I felt my eyes bulge at his attire. He definitely wasn’t disappointing. Like myself, he was wearing tight skinny jeans but they were distressed and navy, some of his skin peeking through. Then he was wearing an off-white tank top that perfectly showed off his pronounced collarbones and the delicious junction of his neck and jaw. On top of this, he had on a leather jacket and a chain I’d gotten him months ago as a small gift.

We must have stood for a solid minute eyeing each other up and I almost dropped everything when he raised his eyebrows a little and visibly bit his tongue, a habit of his he knew turned me on. It was obvious why he’d done it, to irritate me. Nothing was going to happen tonight intimacy wise as we want to keep that part of our relationship to ourselves. The drive there was pretty uneventful apart from Louis gently running the palm of his hand over me. I snapped at him for doing so by threatening to turn around but he had the last word by stating he wouldn’t mind as we could fuck quicker.

At those words, my cheeks immediately reddened and I didn’t speak a word the remainder of the journey. Olly was on the top floor of the building so it took us a while to get there. I wonder how many people were here? Probably a lot considering how popular the older is. He’s just one of those people you cannot hate under any circumstance. He greeted us the second we stepped inside and I snorted at seeing numerous tables lined against the all containing probably every drink possible. 

We each grabbed a bear to start off with and moved into the living room. He’d moved all the furniture to ensure nothing being broken whilst also freeing up space for a makeshift dance floor. I gulped awkwardly at feeling a few curious eyes on me but I tried my best to ignore it. I’m more than used to this by now but it doesn’t ever get easier. We mingled with a few people and I caught some gossiping excitedly whilst pointing to my left hand. 

Eventually, we moved onto heavier drinks and Olly brought out a few party games. I could feel the alcohol in my system already and how it was affecting me, but I didn’t care right now. I just wanted to have a good time. We stole a few kisses occasionally and we were even dared at some point to snog for five minutes with no other contact from our bodies. We last a grand total of one minute which led to the two of us drinking a disgusting concoction that somebody had made up that tasted like what cat piss smelled like. 

After that, we refrained from showing any affection with one another, not wanting to make this about us. I didn’t fail to notice more people introduce themselves to me than to Louis, but I paid no mind to it. He was too busy catching up with mutual friends and with two guys that may as well be brothers to him. Chad had appeared later than us, saying something had come up but wasn’t missing out on the party. I caught the terrified look on his face which sparked my interest but I decided against asking him. 

Chad rarely keeps anything hidden so if I suspected correctly and he was doing so, it was something big. I wasn’t going to push anything out of him. He’ll tell us if he wants to tell us. I screwed my face as I knocked back two tequila shots simultaneously and quickly licking salt off the back of my hand before biting into a lime wedge. I’ve always hated the taste of the stuff, but it was strong and I wanted to get drunk tonight. 

It was nearing 1am before people finally decided to start leaving. Once it was only the four of us left awake with a few people like ourselves who were sleeping over (who had already passed out), we finally looked at each other and decided that now was the time. His right hand grilled my left, our fingers lacing together tightly. I took my phone out and hovered a bit to find the perfect angle. It took a few attempts, but I got one that gave the desired affect we both wanted. It was simple, such a small gesture, but the angle I’d got it at showcased the ring perfectly. I edited it for it to be black and white before hovering over the ‘post’ button. With a deep breath I captioned the picture with a simple ‘maybe not Styles for long’, I finally posted the picture. I turned my notifications off then and then and turned my phone off as well before curling into Louis and kissing him deeply.

“So, what sounds better? Louis Styles or Harry Tomlinson?”


	27. Twenty-five

January 8th was a day I was dreading. It marked my final week off but it also marked the day that Louis goes back to classes. Naturally, I wanted to spend the entirety of my break with him but I couldn’t change it. He had gotten up before me this morning to head off which left me alone for the whole day. It didn’t feel like it had been exactly two weeks since he proposed to me. Just like I had expected, when we announced it with that picture, the media had a field day.

Since quite soon into our relationship there were rumours of us secretly getting married which at the time we had both laughed hysterically at, but now it was happening. We hadn’t started planning yet, we wanted to have a good month or two before we really sit down and talk about that. If I could I would marry him tomorrow in nothing but my underwear, but he doesn’t want that. I even caught him a couple of days ago looking at matching Louis Vuitton suits to wear.

What can I do though? Not many people I associate with are in London currently, they’re all on tour or working elsewhere. Which led to me scrolling through my contacts and trying my best to remember what everyone else was doing. I messaged a few people here and there who I wasn’t sure if they were nearby but I hadn’t received a reply yet. I didn’t expect one right away, I’m awful for replying to texts myself. Most of the time I think I have and then days later get a few question marks sent my way.

I continued with this for a further twenty minutes, when I finally got a response. I didn’t see who it was yet, I just clicked on the notification. I smiled deeply that it was Ed. I haven’t spoken to him in weeks but we had very conflicting schedules. The last I heard from him he was in the middle of a worldwide tour. His message was simply stating that he had a week until his next leg started and he would be over for a much needed catch up.

He lived further out than I did which gave me some time to mentally prepare. Now that my sessions were getting more complex and harbouring heavier topics of discussion, I was finding it difficult to keep quiet on it all. I’ve already made a massive slip up by saying in an interview I’m not in contact with anyone in my family bar my sister. I’d also slipped up by calling Niall my brother and that he saved my life. Abuse is difficult for anyone to speak up on, but it is harder being in the public eye and doing so.

It’s been a slow and agonising process that has resulted in numerous wrecked rooms in the house. Every time I had a breakdown, Louis would hold me close to him and let me cry everything out. Even now, I still feel guilty over everything. Guilt is the most difficult emotion to get over in my opinion. Having to admit that what happened did happen and nothing could change that. I wiped away a couple of tears before a loud buzzing noise broke the silence. I got up to open the gates to let Ed inside. 

“Good to see you, mate.”

He walked over to me and wrapped me in a tight hug, his hand clapping my back hard. I involuntarily winced in remembrance of a night terror the night before. It was another of him beating me. This time though it was one where he had tied my twin to a chair and forced him to watch. He liked to do this often, said it pleased him greatly but I knew better now. He loved the power he felt when he hurt us.

“Harry?”

I blinked a couple of times and took a deep breath, suddenly remembering who I was with. As if on instinct, I began to press the memory away but I managed to stop myself. I can’t keep blocking memories away, it doesn’t end good. As more time passed, I was only becoming more convinced that I struggled with suppressive memories. I stepped aside to let my friend in who was giving me a noticeable quizzical glance. I broke the silence by asking if he wanted a cup of tea or coffee. He responded and minutes later I was walking in to the living room.

“So, how is engaged life treating you? Spicing it up in the bedroom yet?”

He wiggled his eyebrows a little which caused me to roll my eyes. The topic of sex no longer embarrassed me or made me quiet in reminiscence.

“What my fiancé and I do in the bedroom has nothing to do with you. I don’t even kiss and tell never mind fuck and tell.”

He spluttered his tea everywhere at that statement as we broke down in laughter. It was such an odd emotion for me to experience considering the mess I’ve been in since I’ve been in therapy, but I cherished these moments wholeheartedly. He asked me if I had any tissues so he could clean the mess he’d made and I stood up to grab a box. I handed them to him but his eyes widened when he spotted something.

“What the fuck is that on your wrist?”

I frowned in confusion before looking down myself. I didn’t see it at first but my heartbeat quickened when I realised he was talking about my newest scar. As it was such a large cut I’d made in that one session, it stood out like a sore thumb against my porcelain skin. I muttered it was nothing and silently cursed in my head over my stutter. He clearly noticed as he forcefully grabbed me which caused me to yelp in fright. He staggered back now in shock, not expecting that kind of response. 

I could feel it coming on and with that, I was running downstairs. Hopefully I would be fast enough to lock the door whilst it took hold of me. But he was just a bit faster than me and he managed to block me. By now I was breathing hard and I was finding it difficult to get enough air in to my lungs. I was shaking badly. Accepting defeat, I lowered myself on to the ground as my panic attack took over me. 

“Harry, oh my god, I’m sorry.”

His words sounded like they were coming from the end of a tunnel, slowly echoing through the dark and being nothing but muffled noise by the time they reached my ears. Slowly, I felt my focus come into vision and I managed to take a few deep breaths. He himself was pacing around the corridor, running his fingers through his hair stressfully. Clearly trying to put the pieces together. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else yet though.

“Ed, calm down. It’s ok- “

“It’s not ok, Harry! I just triggered a fucking panic attack!”

I winced at his tone, still sensitive over everything. Slowly, I stood up and walked over to him, wasting no time in pulling him in for a tight hug. Just like that, he was crying. Obviously feeling guilty.

“Ed, it’s not your fault. I’m just sensitive right now and it’s easier for me to have one. But do not blame yourself for it. But please, don’t grab me or ask about my scars. I’m not ready to talk about it again, it’s too much for me.”

He pulled away and looked me directly in the eye, as if he was only now looking at me for the first time. I bit my tongue at slipping up again. Scars- plural. Luckily, he didn’t question me on it any further as we made our way upstairs again, my legs still a bit shaky. We spent the next hour just catching up together, me getting my own back over his teasing towards Louis and me with Cherry. They’d met in school and recently reconnected, but he was scared to make it official as he did not want to fuck it up. It wasn’t long after this that my fiancé came home and he ran in to my embrace immediately.

“Ok, ok, no sucking faces around me.”

Louis gave him his middle finger at that but he creased his eyebrow as he spotted that Ed was giving me space. He gave me a look, silently asking. Ed blinked and looked away in guilt. 

“He noticed my latest scar and asked me about it, I went to walk away but he grabbed me and- “

Understanding dawned on him.

“It triggered a panic attack.”

I simply nodded his way and I again caught Ed looking away.

“Ed, seriously, you didn’t know I’d have that kind of reaction.”

He shook his head from side to side quickly now, still feeling horrible over the entire thing. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve triggered panic attacks before. I felt awful about it as well but eventually I realised I couldn’t have changed it. You know now, not to question him over things like this and especially not to grab him like that. You didn’t know it would cause that reaction. They’ve been more frequent lately due to him being in therapy, but he is slowly opening up to people. He’ll tell you one day, Ed.”

The only thing I could do was nod along with everything he was saying. Remembering the first time where he triggered an attack. That was the first time we told one another we loved each other and didn’t simply like each other. I clasped his hand tightly, giving him a tight smile. For so many people saying those words comes from a date or one doing something incredibly generous, but for us it was tainted. It seems everything that was a milestone for us was tainted.

When we first got together, I had a night terror next to him. When we first told each other we loved each other, I had a panic attack. When I met his parents, I had to leave because I couldn’t look at his twin sisters without thinking of my own twin. When he met Niall, he was terrified because he threatened him. When he met my sister for the first time, it was due to numerous tabloids saying I was being unfaithful. And finally, when he moved in with me it was due to his landlord evicting him.

I frowned now as that pattern was now obvious. I’d been told by Lisa if I spotted any kind of pattern, I would let her know. With that, I got up from the couch to grab my notebook that was on the bookcase to write all this down. I held the small book in a way that nobody could see it. Ed was still looking at me oddly and Louis was looking at me with a thoughtful expression. My friend stayed for a few more hours before saying he had to leave. I pulled him in for a tight hug and again whispered he didn’t need to feel guilty over it. He didn’t know.

When it was just us two left, I nodded to the small notebook and he got the hint. We both sat down on the couch and he wasted no time in opening it to read what I’d written down. Once he had finished, he turned to me stunned. The pattern now being totally obvious to him as well. 

“But nothing happened when I proposed, unless you and Lottie covering me in ice shards counts.”

I laughed a little with him at remembering the face he and my sister gave us for that. Neither talked to us for a good hour after that. Speaking of my sister, she text me earlier asking me to phone her when she got off work and that it was important. She was due to finish in about twenty minutes so I’ll give it another hour. 

“Maybe the pattern is dissolving?”

He hummed a little in thought at this. It was clear he desperately wanted to believe that was the case but when it came to me he knew he couldn’t be hopeful. Maybe I should be more optimistic regarding my mental health bettering. I’ve just been trying to break free from it all that now it seems impossible. A bit like trying to find the end of a rainbow. You know it’s there but no matter how hard you try you cannot find it. It’s a tricky topic.

“Why did Gemma text you?”

I shrugged simply and replied I was going to wait until she finished her shift before calling to find out. What was it that was so important that I needed to know? I knew there was no need in me trying to figure it out right now so I asked Louis if he wanted anything to eat. He gave me puppy eyes which caused me to roll my own. He always gave me that look when he wanted tacos. Luckily they didn’t take too long to make and twenty-five minutes later I placed them down in front of him. His own eyes widened and I had to hold in a snort at how excited he looked.

Once we had finished, he let out a ridiculous burp which caused me to grimace in disgust. By now I should be used to all his gross habits but somehow it still bothers me. By the time I had finished with the washing up, it was time to call my sister. I walked downstairs because I wanted this to be private, I’ll tell Louis once I’m done. I picked up my phone and dialled her number. She answered not long after but her voice confused me. She sounded like she was shocked. I was about to ask but she jumped in before I could;

“Harry, I got a call from an estate agents earlier.”

I frowned before asking if she was still flat hunting. She replied no and that they were moving in to their new place on Saturday as neither of them work weekends. Then why was she getting a call? Had something gone wrong and now they had nowhere to go? If that was the case she needn’t worry because I would happily open my doors for them to stay until they worked things out. 

“No, everything is fine. It’s just, oh my god, how do I say this?”

“Gemma, what’s wrong? Tell me.”

She breathed deeply a few times before dropping a massive bombshell.

“Harry, mum paid of the whole mortgage. The money she said she was using for it went to our schooling and to Christmas presents. The house was ours. It’s still ours. They were calling because no one has lived in it for six years.”

At hearing this, my eyes widened in surprise. My mouth fell open as my breathing slowed down considerably. I ran my head over my face in astonishment. I was never homeless. The house was ours, there were no instalments on the mortgage.

“I called our lawyer to ask if they knew anything about this. Mum managed to afford the £450,000 comfortably. From his business she got a massive payout because any profits made from it went to her from a pre-nuptial agreement. Plus the loan for the initial deposit. Plus her working. It’s how she could afford us all to go to private school.”

As everything unravelled, my head was beginning to hurt. What had been confusing me before now making sense. Of course we knew our biological father made a shit tonne of money from his engineering business, but I never once thought to consider the profits went to mum. We never once struggled massively financial wise which was common in London. Especially on a minimum wage job like mum had.

“So why were they calling?”

By now I was biting down on to my thumb hard, but this time I was careful not to break skin. 

“They were wondering why it was left to rot. They were wondering if we wanted to keep it or to do it up and sell it. The decision is ours, Harry.”

My eyes were trained on the floor, not focusing on anything in particular. I carefully thought everything over before letting her know of my decision.

“Gem, I have my own house that I love and Louis loves. It’s your choice if you want to keep it. Or even rent it out to someone and you can use that towards your own rent and saving up for a deposit on your own place. I know you’re refusing anything off me so that might help you in that department. If you do, I don’t want any of it, I make more than enough money. Same goes for if you sell it.”

I could hear her crying on the other end and I knew why. If I’d have known there wasn’t a penny left to owning the house I’d grown up in from eight to fifteen, I would not have been homeless. I would have had somewhere to go to every night and a warm bed to sleep in every night. Instead I was curled in a corner on a side street just off Oxford street with a couple of suitcases and my guitar. But then again, I wouldn’t be here. However, this was only a part of what was bothering her. I knew exactly what the other one was and it bothered me equally.

“I don’t know if I can go back in there. Not after everything that happened.”

There was the audible proof that she felt the same way that I did. A lot has changed in almost six years, we aren’t the same people we were then. We’re both independent, have serious relationships, and have moved past everything in our own ways. 

“I’ll talk to Louis about it right now, and you should talk to Michal. We’ll need to decide what we’re going to do. Come over in a few days, that way we can both get our heads around everything.”

A quiet ‘yeah’ fell from her lips in agreement. That was probably our best option. Once I hung up on her. I spotted Louis creek open the door just enough for him to poke his head in. He made a weird face, knowing I usually laughed at him when he did this. So when I didn’t, he knew it was serious. Slowly, he walked over to me and sat down, wrapping his right arm around me tightly. I didn’t even bother giving him a simplified version of events, I told him everything my sister had told me so he was in the loop as well. When I’d finished, he was staring at me with pure shock written all over his face.

“Harry, oh my god.”

All I could do was nod his way, myself being too shocked to say anything else.


	28. A reason as to why I have not been active.

Thought I’d give a little update as to why I haven’t been active on this story for weeks and I have on others. I’ve made it no secret how much this story means to me. But it’s difficult to write things like this. This story is based on REAL experiences two of my closest friends (both of which I’ve known for half my life) have had. I’ve also made it no secret that I struggle a lot with stress and anxiety myself. I’ve just had a lot of stuff happen and it kind of built up, and I’ve not been in a decent mindset to write this. When I’m in a mood like this, my writing is awful and I will never post a chapter I’m not proud of just to please people. I’d rather wait until things get better and I’m actually pleased with the work I’ve put in to a chapter. Because of these reasons, I’m temporarily putting this story on hold. Whilst this is the case though I will be working on the plot for book 3 so everything flows together in the end. Let’s just say I’ve got a LOT planned for it and I’m really excited to begin on the final book of this series.


	29. Twenty-six

The remainder of the day went by in a blur. Confusion was still clouding my thoughts and my head was aching due to everything that I'd just found out. Gemma had not messaged or called me since she told me, knowing I needed space. Unfortunately, Louis found this out the hard way. He may have heard me talk numerous times over the weird funk I get in whenever something bad happens or I find something out- but he's never really witnessed it.

Yes, he saw the aftermath of my biological dad being released, but he didn't see me exactly when I was told. So much disbelief and my heart pounding away so fast inside of me like I'd just run a marathon. This was no different. He'd tried to take my mind off it in only ways he knew how, but it wasn't enough. He'd intended to make sweet love to me to take my mind off everything, but I pushed him off as flashbacks fought to the surface just as he began to press himself in to me.

Because of it, he was feeling intense levels of regret. But it wasn't his fault. I'd insinuated it at first, and I had been all for it. But that initial burn that I'd come to adore over the last few weeks instantly reverted me to being eight years old again and being sexually assaulted. I'd been shaking a lot, and I was crying to the point I was finding it difficult to breathe. At that, Louis got up from the bed and went in to the spare.

Even now, whenever he accidentally triggers any kind of reaction from me, he always blamed himself. No amount of reassurance ever changed that. I wasn't to blame, and he wasn't to blame either. The only people there are to blame are either dead or I haven't spoken to in years. So there honestly wasn't much of a point in pinning on anyone anymore. What was the use in it? I'm not somebody who names and shames someone openly, and it isn't someone I want to be either.

It was a massive shock to me. Knowing I was never homeless and simply only thought I had been. Louis had left for the day to let me calm down and so he could wrap his head around it. It's a never-ending cycle. Whenever things are going well, one tiny piece of information untangles all the hard work and we must start again. Couples shouldn't need to do this, it should always be building up and not constantly up and down.

But I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have agreed to marry Louis otherwise. Even now, I still had to pause in realisation that Louis and I were engaged. Hell, I'm only twenty. It's uncommon for people so young to make a commitment like that. But I felt older. How could I not with everything I had gone through? I was still confused over a lot of things though, and I knew there was only one person who could give me concrete answers.

I rarely spoke to my family lawyer. I have two lawyers on board; one that deals with the business aspect of my life and the other that deals with my personal life. He was the only person outside the small ring of people I had entrusted enough to tell the story to. It was him who testified against my dad twelve years prior. It was a very long conversation, but I was glad for it as it cleared the air. Apparently, my mum was planning on passing the house on to Gemma and me, but she wanted to surprise us on my eighteenth birthday. Which was why I didn’t know nothing was owed to the house anymore.

In simple words, my childhood home was legally in both mine and my sisters name. Which meant we had to deal with it. Which was something neither of us wanted to do. Yes, it held amazing memories considering we were finally free from that, but it was also where we first found him. It's an image I'll never forget. Seeing him slumped on the floor with a massive puddle of blood surrounding him. Smelling the blood on him. Feeling how cold he was. Realising he was dead.

I felt a single tear fall down my cheek which I quickly wiped away. I always put on a happy face to make it look like I had gotten over his death when I had not. I remember answering in an interview when I went on tour where I said that death is something you never get over, only something you get used to. It was true. I've gotten used to not seeing him every single day, but it doesn't mean I've gotten over it. Maybe if it wasn't me who had found him things would've been different. But the past cannot be changed.

Even now, I can't look at myself in a mirror for longer than ten seconds before bursting into tears. I can't wear my glasses either as it was one thing he wore that I didn't so people could tell us apart easier. I snapped out of it and was caught by a stinging sensation on my wrist. No, please no. I looked down hesitantly to be met with some blood falling from a scab on my wrist. I might've done it a while ago, but I'd developed a habit of picking at it constantly, so it hadn't healed yet. I swore lightly under my breath before walking into the downstairs bathroom to clean the mess up. Whilst I was doing so, I felt my eyes trail along the insides of my arms, taking in the numerous thin white lines that were hidden by my tattoos

I forced myself to look away, knowing that if I kept staring at them the temptation would grow. I've broken the addiction I used to have, but I still get urges. Once I had cleaned the freshly opened wound, I bound it tightly in a bandage before pulling my sleeve down to hide it. After this, I found myself walking downstairs into the room I had converted into a home studio. It was nowhere near the same speck as an actual studio, but it was great for demos or just experimenting. I sat down and picked up my work phone, checking to see if I had any new messages. During my short break, I hadn't looked at it once, so the dozens of notifications weren't that surprising.

I began scrolling through them, not really reading them in detail before one caught my eye. I clicked on it and read the entire thing. I had completely forgotten I had given some boxes filled with songs to Simon to pass on to other people. He had sent me links of demos numerous people had recorded. But one caught my eye- Ariana. I'd met her a few times and she seemed lovely, but I had no idea she had recorded a demo. Underneath the attached file was a message saying she wanted my approval on it before taking it as she 'felt it was too beautiful to record'. I had no idea which one it was, so without thinking I plugged in my headphones and clicked the link.

By the time the song had come to an end, a fresh set of tears were covering my cheeks. I didn't recognise the song as it had been years ago I had written it. Despite this, I knew immediately what point of view it was for me. It was me crying out for help when I was homeless. Well, thought I was homeless. But I'd clearly spun it in a way that it sounded like a typical breakup song. But if someone was analysing it deeply, the message was clear. I replied to the email by giving her the approval to record it. An hour passed before I had finally reached the end of the very long list. Maybe I shouldn't leave it all to the last minute again.

Once I done this though, I was stuck. Louis wasn't due home for another three hours and most of my friends were working all over the place. I only had one option and I'm not sure if I want to see her with what she had told me last night. But I don't want to be alone either. With the realisation, I text her quickly to find out what she was doing. She worked four days a week and today was her day off, so I knew she would be in. She was busy however with moving in to her new flat. I'd offered to help her, but she always shot me down by saying she didn't have much to move anyway. I knew better than to argue with my sister. I’d learned that the hard way a long time ago.

It didn’t surprise me she didn’t respond immediately, she only ever really looks at her phone a few times a day. Also, it was still early so there was the possibility that she was sleeping in. With that, I stood up and walked to the other side of the room to grab my steel acoustic. It’s my favourite out of acoustic models, the sound always being sharp and clear whereas with a nylon it occasionally echoed. Not many people can tell the difference between the two, but I’ve always loved the way that a tiny adjustment can make something completely different. 

When people start learning guitar, they usually start with nylon as it was simpler. Steel can be painful to learn on. Something I knew well. When I first picked up guitar, my mum didn’t know the difference and it led to numerous sliced fingers from transitioning chords too quickly. Of course, this does not happen anymore as my fingertips have now grown a thicker layer and I no longer felt it when it happened. It still does occasionally if I’ve been playing for numerous hours a day for a few days in a row. But this is rare. 

I plucked away at a few of the strings, not playing one of my own. It’s something that sets me apart from other artists. Not many play multiple instruments, but the few who do usually have someone compose the music for them to learn. I’ve only ever done that a couple of times. I want my music to be authentic, and it isn’t going to be that if I don’t do all the composing and writing myself- or at least a large chunk of it. I reached over in to the desk at the side to grab some of the pieces of paper I had printed a dozen staves on. I quickly penned in the notes I had been playing before going back to my instrument. Before I knew it, I had forgotten my phone.

Within the hour, I had completed the music for the one instrument. I switched to my nylon after this, playing around until I had a harmony that would go with it. I grabbed another piece of paper to pen this in and writing at the top which instrument it was. A loud ring broke me from my reverie and I glanced at the small device, my eyes widening at the dozens of messages. I sat the guitar down before answering;

“So, did you read any of my texts or?”

I felt my cheeks redden a little before hesitantly saying no.

“Got some inspiration and lost track of everything else. Sorry, Gem.”

She snorted a little, this not being anything new to her. Even when we were kids I would get so lost in my passion that everything around me blurred together. She simply stated she would come over, also confirming she knew exactly what I was calling about. Deep down, I know what we’ll need to do, but I want to get her perspective first to see if she agrees with me. It will have to be a joint thing. I don’t think either of us could do it alone. It’s going to be difficult doing it together never mind separate. 

Since she lived quite a distance from me in Croydon now, I knew it would take her quite some time to get here. With this realisation, I moved over to the ‘recording’ area to grab my lupe pedal. It can be difficult to compose music without hearing everything layered together. I’d rather let it sound good on the first time and not a bit at a time. With this, I took time to play the first part through and recorded it, so I could layer it seamlessly. I done this until I had the first two done. Bass was simple, considering I wasn’t an expert at it. I only really knew a few bass lines but that is all that’s needed to bring a song to life. 

By the time I had finished, I could hear someone upstairs. I wasn’t sure if Louis had just come home or if it was my sister. I soon got my answer when a small head peaked in. I chuckled lightly before signalling my fiancé over. He did so hesitantly, clearly still feeling bad about last night. I gave him a smile to let him know I was ok with him doing so.

“How’s Chad?”

He made an odd noise at this, which peaked my attention.

“I’m not sure. Something is going on with him, but I don’t want to ask him. He didn’t even say anything, but I’ve known him since I was three months old, I could spot it a mile away.”

I could see on his face he felt bad about not being able to figure out what was going on, but I decided to lighten the mood.

“Maybe he’s been hiding it so long, he doesn’t know how to say it.”

A moment later, his lips split open in a wide smile. I’d said that to him a long time ago when Jay’s alcohol addiction really stated to interfere with everything else around her. Even now, she hasn’t had a drop of alcohol since, knowing it could trigger a relapse. It’s something that bound us together. We both know what addictions are like. Difficult to overcome, but easy to backtrack. In a way, we support one another in a way our families cannot. It’s a nasty thing to have in common, but anyone can struggle with addictions.

I took a deep breath before asking him what he thought as I played it back. He made a small humming noise before saying it felt a little bit flat. I carefully listened back and realised what he meant. It was a bit too plain. I’ve done numerous acoustic songs, but I like all my music to sound like one song and not dozens of songs sounding the same. It sounded too much like my others. 

“Why don’t you do a bit of both? Maybe purely acoustic first verse, rock chorus, acoustic second verse with perhaps a couple of other instruments added in?”

I hummed as I considered this. It sounded like a good idea. With that, I placed my bass down and grabbed one of my electrics. First, I played a lead riff. I’ve always loved the way rhythm and lead sound layered on top of one another. It adds depth to the song, which is something I enjoy. I find it boring when a song only stays in the same category for the entire duration. Footsteps broke me from the bubble again and I could hear my sister yelling for me. I shouted up to let her know I was down here. Her eyes widened when she walked in, not really seeing me during this. 

Louis squeezed my hand gently before kissing my cheek. He left the room not long after, knowing this was a conversation between us and no one else. He didn’t want to add an opinion and influence us. 

“What are we going to do about the price? There’s no way either of us are keeping it due to the memories there. I don’t want it, I don’t need it.”

“Honestly, I don’t really want it either. Yes, it would be great to lay down a massive deposit and have a short mortgage as a result, but knowing that it came from somewhere so much happened? I would feel so guilty about it.”

I’d never thought about it from this perspective, and now I realised why she was so hesitant.

“I had a look online, houses of that size in the area tend to go for around £500,000. It’s a hell of a lot, and if you were to take it- you could put down a £100,000 deposit and then on average pay a regular rent price. I don’t need anymore money, Gem. Hell, not to sound like I’m bragging but I have nine figures in my bank. I’m more than set for life. You on the other hand, you’re working just above minimum wage and are just getting by every month. If anyone needs it, it’s you. I know you’ll feel awful about it. But mum and Mars wouldn’t want either of us to starve or to be on the streets.”

She looked down at this before slowly nodding. Her knowing the last part was true.

“You’re right. Maybe I can half it and use that for a deposit but keep the rest and maybe invest somewhere? Use it for a better income? But we’ll need to clean it out, Harry. I don’t know if I can do that.”

A couple of tears fell from her eyes at this and I hugged her tightly. 

“I don’t know if I can either, Gem, but we need to. There will be things we will want to keep, and we won’t know what unless we see it for ourselves. I’m sure Louis will be more than willing to help, as would Chad and Olly. Bobby would as well- it’s him who adopted me. Then there’s Michal, he’ll help as well. We won’t be doing it all by ourselves, Gem, we’ll have support.”

It was obvious that she still did not want to go, and I can’t blame her. I don’t want to either. But we will not get the closure on this unless we face it head on.


	30. Twenty-seven

[From: Chad]  
Harry, are you free today at any point? I need to speak to you, it’s serious. Plus, before you ask, it is not about Siobhan. P.s., I’m looking at my best friend and your fiancé.

Confusion clouded my thoughts as I read over the single text that Chad had sent me. There hasn’t ever been a time where I’ve truly witnessed the slightly older guy be serious, so seeing it in blue and white was weird for me. For a moment, I assumed that someone had taken his phone without his permission and sent me it or even he had lost a dare and had to send something. However, deep down I had a niggling feeling within my gut. If anything throughout the twenty years I’ve been alive for, I have learned to never ignore one of my gut instincts.

I thought over what to reply to him but that was almost impossible for me to do so considering I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. I shut my eyes for a few moments and breathed deeply in a horrific attempt to sort my thoughts out. That was one thing about myself that I hated with a passion, that there are always multiple scenarios playing in my mind whenever I get told something like this instead of just a couple like any ordinary person. Then again though, I wasn’t exactly ordinary.

My eyes glanced down to my exposed arm and I winced silently at seeing the scab that had formed on my wrist. I still can’t believe I let myself submit to my demons once again even if it was only momentarily. Currently, it was only Louis, Ed, and Gemma who knew it had happened and truthfully, I wanted to keep it that way. I don’t want people to see it and immediately jump to conclusions over my mental state which was steadily worsening once more. As much as I try to deny it to myself, I know I’m slowly falling back under and if I didn’t really seek more help I would soon have shackles attached to my feet whilst the room I’m in slowly fills up with water- with me drowning in the process.

I shook my head again which worked to get me out of my thoughts. I can’t keep thinking like that, I need to remain positive so that I don’t look suspicious. I may have learned how to hide everything from people who didn’t know the full extent of the trauma I’d endured over my short life-span, but I had never mastered hiding it from people who did know. It’s a bit like a book in some senses. People who’ve never read one are always on their toes, trying to figure out how the entire plot ties together in the end. Whereas people who have previously read it aren’t even shocked anymore, because they know everything that happens anyway. 

My fingers trailed over the keypad for a few more moments as I tried to work my way through the never-ending amount of thoughts that were swirling in my head by letting him know I would come over to his flat. Within a matter of minutes, he had replied and even though it was only a few words, I could still see the hesitance in them. Not many people would be able to see that with something as trivial as a text message, but I guess it’s a perk of being a writer, being able to pick apart everything automatically without having to analyse in utmost precision.

It was getting lonely in my house again now that Louis had started up university once more, but at least I only had a fortnight left of that before I start recording for my next album. These few weeks that I’ve had off have flew by and so much has happened in a tiny time-span. Not only the fact that I was now engaged to Louis and I wasn’t just his boyfriend anymore, but everything with my sister, to finally opening to Lisa on everything that I’ve been through, to finally telling Chris about my upbringing. 

When I had walked outside and gotten into my car, I wasn’t sure. I sent a quick text to Louis to let him know I was going to Chad’s in case he got home before I did. I took a few deep breaths again to calm my racing heart before beginning the journey to Chad’s flat. In total, the drive took roughly thirty minutes and for some reason I felt reluctant once I’d gotten out. Slowly, I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands and relished the sharp pain that came with it before guilt wracked through me. I can’t let myself depend on physical pain to outweigh the psychological pain anymore.

Chad lived on the fifth floor in this block and honestly, I was glad it was a slightly pricier flat than average as not many people lived in the area. I knocked on the door because I knew we weren’t close to the point of just walking into one another’s homes. A few moments later, he answered and immediately concern washed over my features as I took in his dishevelled state. His hair was normally preened to perfection but today it looked dull and lifeless, and the joyous look that always danced in his eyes had been replaced with emptiness.

“Chad, what’s wrong?”

He let me inside and shook his head a little, telling me immediately that something was on his mind. I followed him into his living room and I frowned at seeing the multiple cups that were strewn all over the coffee table along with what appeared to be pills of some kind. Immediately, my mind thought the worst, but then I realised that it was only sleeping medication. From the way that he looked it was clear he hadn’t slept properly in days.

“I need some advice, Harry. I know you’re wondering why I came to you and not someone else but you’re the only other person I know who’s had genuine family troubles.”

My breath hitched in my throat now as I frantically played as many conversations I’ve had with Chad back in my head and I realised with a start that he never mentioned his family. Almost immediately, I felt relaxation overcome me along with huge levels of trust towards him. I’ve always trusted Chad with a lot of things, but right now our roles were reversed, and I was going to try my best to help him with whatever was on his mind.

“You can tell me, I won’t tell anyone without your permission. Not even Louis or Olly for that matter.”

A tiny smile formed on his face, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. No matter what body language a person has, it is always the eyes that portray what a person is really thinking and how they are really feeling. I didn’t press him however, knowing from personal experience that never goes anywhere.

“Louis’ never told you anything, has he? About my parents, that is?”

I shook my head in the negative and furrowed my brows at him, waiting patiently on him to continue. After a few moments of deafening silence, he looked at something, but I wasn’t sure what it was. 

“My mum struggled a lot with mental illnesses as well that I never paid any attention to. In fact, I thought she was making it all up for attention in my juvenile head. When I was ten though, she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Do you know what that is?”

I nodded a little bit and finished the unspoken question;

“It’s a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar, isn’t it?”

A small smile played on his lips again, but I could tell he was masking relief at not having to explain it in detail. 

“Her medication didn’t work like how it should have, and when I was thirteen she was admitted into a psychiatric ward and my dad got custody over me. For three years, it was just the two of us in the house, but then everything changed. One of my dad’s old- colleagues, I guess you could say- he got into a lot of trouble with the law. One night this person got extremely drunk and, in an alcohol-fuelled rage, stabbed someone. My dad wasn’t anywhere near but somehow, he managed to frame him. 

“The next day police were at the door and taking him away in handcuffs, saying he was arrested with a charge of second-degree murder. Saying that if he cooperated it might get reduced to a charge of manslaughter or even self-defence. He wasn’t there though, it couldn’t have been him. I was with him the night before as was Olly, as was Louis. We couldn’t afford a decent lawyer though and we lost the case. I never saw my dad again.”

By now, he was crying and heavily at that. My heart ached for him, it really did, but I don’t know why he was telling me this. Maybe he was just giving me the general gist of what had happened before telling me something that was bothering him, or maybe he just desperately wanted to vent. I know what it’s like to hold everything in until it is virtually impossible to do so. Therefore, despite me being desperate to fire multiple questions his way, I kept my mouth shut and instead gave him a subtle nod to let him know I was taking everything in.

“About a month ago I received a call from an unknown number. The first few times it rung I didn’t answer but eventually I got annoyed and picked up, intending to yell down the line to stop calling me. But then I heard her voice, my mum’s voice Harry.”

I bit my bottom lip hard now and I felt the skin tear slightly. Numbness overcame me as he was telling me this and I realised why he had given me a rough summary of what had happened beforehand.

“I’ve been talking to her the past three weeks and a few days ago she asked me if we could meet up. She ended up being put on medication that really helps her although she’s still prone to episodes and random outbursts. I’ve just been so stressed with everything recently what with work, and now this. I’ve barely been sleeping and- “

“Chad, calm down. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Deep breaths. You’re working yourself up.”

I knew from the way he stiffened up that he was slightly offended but then he realised that I was trying to help him. It was clear he was moments from a full-on mental breakdown and that is something I do not want to see. I’ve suffered enough of those myself. Hastily, he took my advice and a few tense moments later, his body visibly relaxed and he looked at me with wide eyes as if wondering how I knew what to do.

“My old therapist taught me that breathing trick, and I’ve had enough breakdowns myself to know how to calm a person down about to go through one.”

He blinked rapidly a few times and I knew he was going to try his best to remember the small breathing technique. A few quiet moments followed this and with a not-so-subtle glance in my direction, I knew he wanted a second opinion.

“Chad, I can’t really do much here except help you realise if this is what you really want to do or if it’s something you feel like you should do. Do you want a relationship with your mum again? Do you just want closure? Or do you want to cut her out of your life for good?”

I could tell immediately that he was disappointed by my bluntness, but he knew that those were his only options right now. 

“If you want advice on the matter Chad, I would say meet up with her on the pretence of getting closure and if things go well, then consider letting her back into your life. Mental health isn’t something to be taken lightly Chad, it never goes away. Just know that if you ever need someone to talk to on the matter, you have me, and also- “

I cut off as I grabbed a pen I always kept in my pocket in case I happen to bump into someone who wants an autograph along with a small piece of paper, writing down Lisa’s number onto it. I passed it over to him and he took it albeit cautiously, giving me a weird look.

“Lisa’s number. I’m not saying you need a therapist yourself, Chad. But take it from someone who knows exactly what it is like from both sides of this problem. It helps massively to have someone not in that close circle that know things.”

Relief seemed to wash through him and I noticed him yawn loudly which told me just how tired he really was. He did say he hadn’t slept properly in days which explained the multiple empty mugs on the table that most likely contained drinks containing ridiculous amounts of caffeine.

“I’d better head anyway before Louis gets suspicious. And Chad, try and get some sleep. Remember that breathing technique and call or text me if you need any help. I can’t promise to help all the time, but I’ll certainly try my best.”

It was now I spotted a few stray tears falling from his eyes which shocked me because not once had I seen Chad cry. He’s such a big personality and I realised with a start that he was also broken on the inside with multiple layers built up around him. I was left even more shocked when he stood up and proceeded to pull me into a tight hug which I happily returned.

“So, what is the deal with you and Siobhan?”

It had the desired effect. A moment later his face went bright red and he ordered me out. I laughed whilst doing so, knowing he wasn’t going to tell me anything. All I wanted was to get him laughing. I know from personal experience a little laughter is a perfect distraction to nasty thoughts. On the way out, I chanced a look at him, only to see a small smile on his face. It was a nice afternoon, and I decided to make the most of it. I rarely get the time to just drive around the city on my own. I done so for around an hour when I got a text from Louis asking where I was.

With that, I made the journey home. My partner was there for me the second I parked the car, and I laughed at the look he was giving me. He was pouting, and his eyes were hardened. It was difficult to not laugh considering his angry face always looks like a baby penguin. I gave him a tight hug once I got out.

“So, what did my dickhead of a best friend want?”

I turned away at this.

“It’s complicated, and he trusted me enough to tell me and to ask for advice. I don’t feel right telling you, Louis. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t know if he wants you to know just yet.”

His face was horrified as he looked at me. He didn’t want me to keep things from him, but he didn’t want to ask me without his consent.

“Louis, Chad considers you as an older brother even if there’s only a couple of months between you. He trusts you with everything. He’ll tell you soon, he’s just in a difficult predicament and wants to sort his thoughts out first.” 

I watched as his face contorted in on itself, clearly trying to put the pieces together. After a solid minute, his eyes widened.

“It’s to do with his parents, right?”

There was no point in me lying to him as he can see right through me. I’ve never been able to lie to him. Hide things from him, yes. But they’re not the same despite a lot of people thinking they are. So, with that, I nodded. I felt bad about confirming it considering Chad had trusted me with this, I felt like I was betraying that trust. Then something Chad said came back to me and I turned to Louis with a questioning glance.

“He said something about his dad being in jail for something he didn’t commit? Is that true?”

Almost immediately, his face fell, and he asked me to sit down as it would take a while to explain. He disappeared for a minute but came back in with two steaming mugs of tea. I took one hesitantly as he sat down beside me. 

“Derick- his dad, was a detective sergeant department in the police. Funny things started happening, rumours of bribes and things going missing. Plus, hate crimes. It wasn’t good. He was assigned a case and he found out his colleague was behind everything, but he didn’t want to let on that he knew without enough evidence. But he caught on, a single slip up confirmed everything. He turned it on to Derick. They had to stop a gang thing and guns were involved. This other guy shot someone, and he died. But Derick wasn’t at the scene, I was with him, as was Olly and Chad. 

“He was the one collecting evidence but not being there in the flesh if that makes sense. Hell, we were playing Fifa when the knock came. This other guy made it out like he had ran after firing the gun and tried to pin it on him. They wouldn’t listen to us, we were thirteen, assumed we were simply too impressionable to be credible witnesses. More bribes were made and ultimately the jury sided with the other guy and Derick has been in prison ever since.”

My eyes widened in surprise as he told me this. I’ve only heard bits and pieces of it but hearing it all was disgusting. The sad thing is I have seen things like this happen in real life and not simply on television. 

“Louis, you’re twenty-one now, surely you’d be a credible witness now? Olly as well for that matter.”

He shook his head.

“I know what you’re going to mention, but don’t bother. Derick got an eight-year sentence, Harry. We were thirteen when that happened- well, Olly was fourteen. He’s due out in a couple of months I believe. I just hope that when he does get out, he’s the same guy he was before. It’s unlikely, but it’s a possibility.”

A quiet shit left me at this. That was fucked up. How the hell is Chad so carefree with all the crap that has happened to him? It made me realise something else as well. We were more alike than I realised. Is that how he knew some things long before I told Louis? Beforehand I always caught the odd look, but he never once questioned it. He must’ve spotted it as he hides these things in a similar fashion. It explained something else too. Chad was steadily getting more nervous about things considering his past is now hitting him in the face. His dad is due out soon, and now his mum is coming back in to his life possibly. This on top of a new love interest was clearly having a massive effect on him. I just hope that he isn’t like me, and doesn’t let it all get too much until he cannot turn back.


End file.
